Friday, December 25, 2015

A Visit from Saint Enough

'Twas the morning of Christmas, and all through the place
A smile was plastered on each youngster's face
The stockings were filled with lip balm and treats
And iTunes would soon be cranking out beats
The children were ripping the gift wrap apart
Not knowing its price had stopped their dad's heart.

With Mom in her flannels and I in my fleece
At least we were warm while we longed for some peace
'Cause out by the tree there arose such a clatter
I was sure our snow globe was destined to shatter
Out to the family room, both of us ran
Stepping on Legos, tipping over a fan

There, on the back of our newly-bought couch
Sat Son Number Two, a loud, thrashing grouch:
"I want more chocolate, or something that's sweet!
Why'd I get socks too big for my feet?!?"
With this one-man riot losing his cool
I feared in a moment he might start to drool

More rapid than eagles, his curses they came
Bellows and slanders that I dare not name
"How come I never get things that I like?
Like iPhones, or xBox, or even a bike?
To heck with these PJs, who would want these?!?
These jeans are ugly, this shirt makes me sneeze!"

Like a hole in the bottom will soon drain a sack
I let this tsunami just roll off my back
And up to the attic I fairly flew
Returning with packages: Christmas Part Two
And then in a twinkling, I heard from our child
A sigh of relief; he stopped being wild

As I brought in the presents and was setting them down
Off the couch came our Jimmy with one pint-sized bound
So he unwrapped his iPad, his face full of glee
And thanked us by asking, "You got this for me?"
A bundle of games was opened up next
(The speed of his fingers, it just left me vexed)

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how deep!
And none of his siblings had dared make a peep
Their dear little mouths were gaping with awe
Hardly believing the next thing they saw:
A dump truck with real working engine and brake
And the smoke it encircled our heads like a snake

And then, a broad smile on his little round face
Broke into laughter which filled the whole place
This joy was worth the loss of our wealth
And hugs were exchanged 'tween my spouse and myself
A wink of my eye and a step toward the pine
Soon had the others feeling just fine

For I spoke not a word, but made sure they knew
They each had plenty of great presents, too
And laying a kerchief aside Jimmy's nose
I wiped away what was left of his woes
Then they sprung to their feet, to their mom gave a kiss
And away they all flew, overflowing with bliss

But I heard Jim exclaim, in almost a shriek
"I can hardly wait for my birthday next week!"

Friday, December 18, 2015

Almost the Truthlets the Tenth

And now ladies and gents, without further ado, a recap of stati (isn't that the plural of status?) from the Almost the Truth (TM) Publishing FaceBook page. No need to save your applause until the end.

  • Her butt is so big, it has its own backmosphere.
  • Biscuits and gravy are a sure sign that God wants us to be happy…and unable to run away from Him, apparently.
  • Eat your vegetables. Do unto others before they do unto you, you know?
  • Blessed are the geeks for they shall save the hard drives of the earth.
  • I love you forever...I like you for always...I'm a creepy stalker who won't leave you alone.

  • Shirley Temple and Lucy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the past forever.
  • If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you once! #Truth
  • When the going gets tough, consider adding more fiber to your diet.
  • When a man’s an empty kettle, Tony Stark must be taking a break from superhero-ing.
  • Previously on Big Bang Theory, the smartest person in the room pouted like a baby while the beautiful neighbor showed far too much cleavage and wondered why people never looked her in the eyes.
  • When in doubt, don’t. When in a fight, duck. When in a duck, quack up.
  • On this day in history…no wait…THIS day HAS no history. Today is today and that’s all today is. THIS day is presentry, not history. Now, if you want to talk about this DATE…well…that’s another thing entirely.
  • Almost Thanksgiving: We gather together to put on some poundage.
  • That sound in the distance you hear is the crinkle of my hardening arteries.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Observed Absurdities™ 21 - Inaction Figure

I just may have intimated before in this space that, perhaps, I might have slightly mixed feelings about my part-time job at JesusInc. Selling books that claim to be Christian when they're merely benign isn't my idea of "providing spiritual resources to help transform lives."

My latest bit-o-wincing came when I saw this display in the Kids' section of our store:

Just to make sure you are correctly interpreting what you are seeing in this picture, let me spell it out for you. That is a four-inch long piece of soft plastic shaped like Larry the Cucumber from VeggieTales in his LarryBoy superhero outfit.

It has no other costumes...not even sold separately.

It has no moving parts.

It makes no noise.

It doesn't even squeak when you squeeze it.

It's an action figure with no action.

And not much of a figure, now that I think about it.

Happy Holidaze...

Friday, December 4, 2015

I Was Putting Up Christmas Lights And BANG!

You wouldn't think the simple act of wrapping some indoor Christmas lights around your curtain rod would end up requiring stitches, would you?

I know the thought never occurred to me.

And as I used a small stepladder to reach the curtain rod, the thought also never occurred to me that our family room has a low ceiling...until it was too late.

That's using your head, Dewey...for something it was not intended for.

True Truth: It didn't really require stitches. Thanks for asking.