Friday, November 27, 2015

AlmostBCs of Thankfulness

Angus Beef - Yummmm...
Black Friday - Thankful for being able to avoid this silliness (until my evening shift at JesusInc.).
CornNuts - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves
Don Rickles - Making sarcasm hilarious since 1953
Eagles - I can't tell you why, but when life in the fast lane takes away my peaceful, easy feeling and I need to take it easy...and that can happen on any one of these nights...I just look my witchy woman in her lyin' eyes, pop in an Eagles CD, and I feel like a new kid in town.
FredBassetMustDie - So very happy that SOMEbody recognizes that this "comic" strip is way past its expiration date. Just wish the newspaper would, too.
Gorillas - They remind me of my dad, FlatulenceKing.
Hot Dr Pepper - Thank you, Dick Clark, for turning me on to this soothing elixir of WeDon'tNeedNoCoffee.
Intellectual Conversa-BAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAA! Sorry. I couldn't even type it with a straight face.
Jukeboxes - Gotta keep those jukes contained, you know
Kansas City - Where everything's up to date.
Last Crusade, Indiana Jones and the - One of the five best movies of all time

Marshmallows - Roasting on an open fire; Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Noses - Glad our nostrils open earthward instead of skyward...can't imagine walking in the rain or taking a shower otherwise.
Orange Juice - Especially when enjoyed with a huge bowl of...
Popcorn - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves
Queen - The rock group that got me interested in science: "GALILEO! Galileo!"
Richard Dawkins - Proof that not all narrow-minded, bombastic jerks are Christians
Sex - I've been trying and trying to think of something else I'm thankful for that starts with S, but really...without this, none of us would be here.
Triscuits - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves
Undulate - The only word that does with Motion what words like splash and click do with Sound
Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl...need I say more?
Winks - That little sign assuring me the horrible thing you just said to me was just a joke
Xylophones - They remind me of lazy Sunday afternoons, making music at a friend's house...wait...that was a marimba...crud.
Y - Y knot?
Zebras - The best salty-crunchy snack . . .

Friday, November 20, 2015

Farewell to the Films

For the past 76 weeks, the Almost the Truth Publishing FaceBook page (See it HERE!) has been posting movie quotes on Monday mornings as part of #TheMorningGames (Read about it HERE).'s all come to an end.

There are no quotable movies left in the world, so Mondays are changing to #MondayMirth, when a short video clip (or some such nonsense meant to make a person grin) will appear at 7:30 AM Central.

In saying farewell to #NameThatMovie, I read through the list of 76 quotes. It's kind of a...well...weird experience; a mental montage of some of the most memorable words ever spoken for the benefit of a large group of people gathered in a darkened room.

The normal thing to say here would be "Enjoy!", but I think I'll go with "Experience this!"

  • A few hours ago, you were giving chai for the phone walahs.  And now you're richer than they will ever be.  What a player! – Slumdog Millionaire
  • Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy? – Stand by Me
  • Alright, Sparky, here's the deal. If you wanna court the little lady ya gotta be a straight-shooter, do ya got it? – Aladdin
  • And this... well, this is where I live.  It's got a disco, it's got a dune buggy, and a whole room just for trying on clothes – Toy Story 3
  • Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? – Monty Python & the Holy Grail
  • Are you watching closely? – The Prestige
  • Charging a man with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500 – Apocalypse Now
  • Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs... – Die Hard
  • Cut me, Mick. – Rocky
  • Do you have the slightest idea what a moral and ethical principle is? Do you? – The Shining
  • Do...or do not.  There is no try. – Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back
  • Excuse me, stewardess, I speak jive – Airplane
  • Foreign contaminant! – WALL•E
  • Get off my plane! – Air Force One
  • God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm. – Bruce Almighty
  • Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! – The Truman Show
  • He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr, and suits so fine, they made Sinatra look like a hobo. – Anchorman
  • Here, picture this: A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet – Beauty and the Beast
  • He's more machine now than man. – Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
  • Hey, I know a joke!  A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead."  Ha!  It is funny because the squirrel gets dead. – Up
  • I can't carry it for you...but I can carry you! – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
  • I didn't spend six years on evil medical studies to be called "mister", thank you very much! – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
  • I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. – The Silence of the Lambs
  • I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. – Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  • I draw...people smiling, dogs running, rainbows.  They don't have meetings about rainbows. – The Sixth Sense
  • I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
  • I love the smell of napalm in the morning – Apocalypse Now
  • I must be crazy to be in a loony bin like this. – One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • I never wanted any of you to die for me. – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
  • I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask." – Dumb & Dumber
  • I work for senor psychopath now – Aladdin
  • I would have followed you, my brother... my captain... my king. – The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
  • I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve. – The Dark Knight
  • If it's truth you're looking for, Dr. Tyree's philosophy class is right down the hall. – Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
  • I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no". – Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
  • I'm your density. – Back to the Future
  • In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns. – The Godfather
  • Is there anyone alive out there? Can anyone hear me? – Titanic
  • It's only when we wake up that we realize how things are actually strange. – Inception
  • Kiss me as if it were the last time. – Casablanca
  • Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. – Monty Python & the Holy Grail
  • Love is too weak a word for what I feel.  I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two Fs. – Annie Hall
  • "Love the jet.” “Wait’ll you see the car.” – M:I 4 Ghost Protocol
  • Never again will I allow our political self-interest to deter us from doing what we know to be morally right. Atrocity and terror are not political weapons. And to those who would use them, your day is over. We will never negotiate. We will no longer tolerate and we will no longer be afraid. It's your turn to be afraid. – Air Force One
  • No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how. – Gone with the Wind
  • Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you.  Ain't I something? – Finding Nemo
  • Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today. – Groundhog Day
  • On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of His true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job? – The Green Mile
  • Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. – Alien
  • Plastics – The Graduate
  • Pop quiz, hot shot. – Speed
  • Po-tay-toes!  Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. – The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
  • Put that thing back where it came from or so help me... – Monsters, Inc.
  • Say hello to my little friend! – Scarface
  • So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. – Jaws
  • Stern, if this factory ever produces a shell that can actually be fired, I'll be very unhappy. – Schindler’s List
  • Stop trying to hit me, and hit me. – The Matrix
  • Strange, isn't it?  Each man's life touches so many other lives.  When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? – It's a Wonderful Life
  • The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. – The Usual Suspects
  • The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997.  Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. – Terminator 2: Judgment Day
  • These walls are funny.  First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em.  Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them.  That's institutionalized. – The Shawshank Redemption
  • "Thirty years of this, and you get a tidy pension and a cheap gold watch.” “Cool.” – Speed
  • To begin with, this case should never have come to trial.  The state has not produced one iota of medical evidence that the crime Tom Robinson is charged with ever took place. – To Kill a Mockingbird
  • Tuesday night's plastic corrosion awareness meeting was, I think, a big success. – Toy Story
  • We all end up dead, it's just a question of how and why. – Braveheart
  • Well the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot. And the baboons are going ape over this. – The Lion King
  • Well, from my way of thinking, sir, this entire mission is a serious misallocation of valuable military resources. – Saving Private Ryan
  • What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? – Wizard of Oz
  • "What’s the matter with you?”  “I can’t swim.”  “Are you crazy?  The fall will probably kill you.” – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
  • When I got tired, I slept.  When I got hungry, I ate.  When I had to go, you know, I went. – Forrest Gump
  • Whether or not what we experienced was an According-to-Hoyle miracle is insignificant.  What is significant is that I felt the touch of God.  God got involved. – Pulp Fiction
  • Why does the floor move? – Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels. – Fight Club
  • You just watch yourself.  We're wanted men.  I have the death sentence on twelve systems. – Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope
  • You know what FINE stands for: Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional – The Italian Job
  • Your emperor is pleased to give you the barbarian horde! – Gladiator

Friday, November 13, 2015

Leaf Wars

There's an annual game in my neighborhood. Well...maybe "game" is too tame a word. Perhaps "competition" would be better.

No. Still not enough.

There's an annual war in my neighborhood.

And I am consistently listed among the defeated.

You see, a nice little perk here in the Minnesota suburbs is when the street cleaner comes through and sucks up all the leaves that we've raked from our front yards to curbside. The conflict revolves around me getting my leaves to the curb before the totally unannounced and completely random suck-up day.

Last year, the combination of a late fall and early winter had me raking leaves and shoveling snow at the same time...and the leaf removal didn't happen at all.

The year before that, the street cleaner went through sometime in late August...just a little too early for me to have climbed up my trees and plucked the leaves off.

But this year...oooooh...this year, I got the upper hand. My normally-delinquent hickory...the one tree that holds on to its leaves until February...gave up its bounty of golden leaves during an early fall windstorm and I got my whole yard raked clean before the municipal marauder came through.

Yes! Victory at last!

As I drove home from work yesterday, it was apparent the sweeper had been through our neighborhood. The curbs and gutters were pristine...

...until I rounded the corner and saw the street in front of our house.

The leaf-sucker had clearly driven up to our property line, swung the rig to the left, avoided my leaf pile, then snuggled back up close to the curb at the neighbor's property line.

I am not kidding.

Next year...expect an escalation into shock and awe territory.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Heart Attack To Go, Please

Sometimes, it's a good thing when McBurgendy's takes an unusually long time to fill your order.

Why, you ask?

Because sometimes, when McBurgendy's takes an unusually long time to fill your order, the manager not only hands you your order, but also a nifty little card entitling you to a free value meal.

I speak from experience.

And then, if the planets have aligned just perfectly, something happens to you like what happened to me when I used my nifty little card entitling me to a free value meal.

I bravely approached the counter (I avoid using the drive-thru whenever possible, if only as a protest against its spelling...or lack thereof.), ordered my Double 4-Ouncer with Cheese, and gleefully awaited the arrival of two-days'-worth of sodium and fat.

Soon, my order arrived, but alas, the requested absence of pickles and onions was muffed.

And the second attempt had no pickles nor onions...but also lacked cheese.

As the McBurgendy's employee approached me the third time, she had a smile on her face and TWO paper bags in her hands.

That's right, Almosteteers, I left the place with two small drinks, two orders of fries, and two Double 4-Ouncers with Cheese...a full pound of heart-stopping deliciousness.

And oh of those beefy boulders also had bacon on it.

Jesus loves me, this I know.