Friday, December 25, 2015

A Visit from Saint Enough

'Twas the morning of Christmas, and all through the place
A smile was plastered on each youngster's face
The stockings were filled with lip balm and treats
And iTunes would soon be cranking out beats
The children were ripping the gift wrap apart
Not knowing its price had stopped their dad's heart.

With Mom in her flannels and I in my fleece
At least we were warm while we longed for some peace
'Cause out by the tree there arose such a clatter
I was sure our snow globe was destined to shatter
Out to the family room, both of us ran
Stepping on Legos, tipping over a fan

There, on the back of our newly-bought couch
Sat Son Number Two, a loud, thrashing grouch:
"I want more chocolate, or something that's sweet!
Why'd I get socks too big for my feet?!?"
With this one-man riot losing his cool
I feared in a moment he might start to drool

More rapid than eagles, his curses they came
Bellows and slanders that I dare not name
"How come I never get things that I like?
Like iPhones, or xBox, or even a bike?
To heck with these PJs, who would want these?!?
These jeans are ugly, this shirt makes me sneeze!"

Like a hole in the bottom will soon drain a sack
I let this tsunami just roll off my back
And up to the attic I fairly flew
Returning with packages: Christmas Part Two
And then in a twinkling, I heard from our child
A sigh of relief; he stopped being wild

As I brought in the presents and was setting them down
Off the couch came our Jimmy with one pint-sized bound
So he unwrapped his iPad, his face full of glee
And thanked us by asking, "You got this for me?"
A bundle of games was opened up next
(The speed of his fingers, it just left me vexed)

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how deep!
And none of his siblings had dared make a peep
Their dear little mouths were gaping with awe
Hardly believing the next thing they saw:
A dump truck with real working engine and brake
And the smoke it encircled our heads like a snake

And then, a broad smile on his little round face
Broke into laughter which filled the whole place
This joy was worth the loss of our wealth
And hugs were exchanged 'tween my spouse and myself
A wink of my eye and a step toward the pine
Soon had the others feeling just fine

For I spoke not a word, but made sure they knew
They each had plenty of great presents, too
And laying a kerchief aside Jimmy's nose
I wiped away what was left of his woes
Then they sprung to their feet, to their mom gave a kiss
And away they all flew, overflowing with bliss

But I heard Jim exclaim, in almost a shriek
"I can hardly wait for my birthday next week!"

Friday, December 18, 2015

Almost the Truthlets the Tenth

And now ladies and gents, without further ado, a recap of stati (isn't that the plural of status?) from the Almost the Truth (TM) Publishing FaceBook page. No need to save your applause until the end.

  • Her butt is so big, it has its own backmosphere.
  • Biscuits and gravy are a sure sign that God wants us to be happy…and unable to run away from Him, apparently.
  • Eat your vegetables. Do unto others before they do unto you, you know?
  • Blessed are the geeks for they shall save the hard drives of the earth.
  • I love you forever...I like you for always...I'm a creepy stalker who won't leave you alone.

  • Shirley Temple and Lucy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the past forever.
  • If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you once! #Truth
  • When the going gets tough, consider adding more fiber to your diet.
  • When a man’s an empty kettle, Tony Stark must be taking a break from superhero-ing.
  • Previously on Big Bang Theory, the smartest person in the room pouted like a baby while the beautiful neighbor showed far too much cleavage and wondered why people never looked her in the eyes.
  • When in doubt, don’t. When in a fight, duck. When in a duck, quack up.
  • On this day in history…no wait…THIS day HAS no history. Today is today and that’s all today is. THIS day is presentry, not history. Now, if you want to talk about this DATE…well…that’s another thing entirely.
  • Almost Thanksgiving: We gather together to put on some poundage.
  • That sound in the distance you hear is the crinkle of my hardening arteries.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Observed Absurdities™ 21 - Inaction Figure

I just may have intimated before in this space that, perhaps, I might have slightly mixed feelings about my part-time job at JesusInc. Selling books that claim to be Christian when they're merely benign isn't my idea of "providing spiritual resources to help transform lives."

My latest bit-o-wincing came when I saw this display in the Kids' section of our store:

Just to make sure you are correctly interpreting what you are seeing in this picture, let me spell it out for you. That is a four-inch long piece of soft plastic shaped like Larry the Cucumber from VeggieTales in his LarryBoy superhero outfit.

It has no other costumes...not even sold separately.

It has no moving parts.

It makes no noise.

It doesn't even squeak when you squeeze it.

It's an action figure with no action.

And not much of a figure, now that I think about it.

Happy Holidaze...

Friday, December 4, 2015

I Was Putting Up Christmas Lights And BANG!

You wouldn't think the simple act of wrapping some indoor Christmas lights around your curtain rod would end up requiring stitches, would you?

I know the thought never occurred to me.

And as I used a small stepladder to reach the curtain rod, the thought also never occurred to me that our family room has a low ceiling...until it was too late.

That's using your head, Dewey...for something it was not intended for.

True Truth: It didn't really require stitches. Thanks for asking.

Friday, November 27, 2015

AlmostBCs of Thankfulness

Angus Beef - Yummmm...
Black Friday - Thankful for being able to avoid this silliness (until my evening shift at JesusInc.).
CornNuts - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves
Don Rickles - Making sarcasm hilarious since 1953
Eagles - I can't tell you why, but when life in the fast lane takes away my peaceful, easy feeling and I need to take it easy...and that can happen on any one of these nights...I just look my witchy woman in her lyin' eyes, pop in an Eagles CD, and I feel like a new kid in town.
FredBassetMustDie - So very happy that SOMEbody recognizes that this "comic" strip is way past its expiration date. Just wish the newspaper would, too.
Gorillas - They remind me of my dad, FlatulenceKing.
Hot Dr Pepper - Thank you, Dick Clark, for turning me on to this soothing elixir of WeDon'tNeedNoCoffee.
Intellectual Conversa-BAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAA! Sorry. I couldn't even type it with a straight face.
Jukeboxes - Gotta keep those jukes contained, you know
Kansas City - Where everything's up to date.
Last Crusade, Indiana Jones and the - One of the five best movies of all time

Marshmallows - Roasting on an open fire; Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Noses - Glad our nostrils open earthward instead of skyward...can't imagine walking in the rain or taking a shower otherwise.
Orange Juice - Especially when enjoyed with a huge bowl of...
Popcorn - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves
Queen - The rock group that got me interested in science: "GALILEO! Galileo!"
Richard Dawkins - Proof that not all narrow-minded, bombastic jerks are Christians
Sex - I've been trying and trying to think of something else I'm thankful for that starts with S, but really...without this, none of us would be here.
Triscuits - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves
Undulate - The only word that does with Motion what words like splash and click do with Sound
Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl...need I say more?
Winks - That little sign assuring me the horrible thing you just said to me was just a joke
Xylophones - They remind me of lazy Sunday afternoons, making music at a friend's house...wait...that was a marimba...crud.
Y - Y knot?
Zebras - The best salty-crunchy snack . . .

Friday, November 20, 2015

Farewell to the Films

For the past 76 weeks, the Almost the Truth Publishing FaceBook page (See it HERE!) has been posting movie quotes on Monday mornings as part of #TheMorningGames (Read about it HERE).'s all come to an end.

There are no quotable movies left in the world, so Mondays are changing to #MondayMirth, when a short video clip (or some such nonsense meant to make a person grin) will appear at 7:30 AM Central.

In saying farewell to #NameThatMovie, I read through the list of 76 quotes. It's kind of a...well...weird experience; a mental montage of some of the most memorable words ever spoken for the benefit of a large group of people gathered in a darkened room.

The normal thing to say here would be "Enjoy!", but I think I'll go with "Experience this!"

  • A few hours ago, you were giving chai for the phone walahs.  And now you're richer than they will ever be.  What a player! – Slumdog Millionaire
  • Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy? – Stand by Me
  • Alright, Sparky, here's the deal. If you wanna court the little lady ya gotta be a straight-shooter, do ya got it? – Aladdin
  • And this... well, this is where I live.  It's got a disco, it's got a dune buggy, and a whole room just for trying on clothes – Toy Story 3
  • Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? – Monty Python & the Holy Grail
  • Are you watching closely? – The Prestige
  • Charging a man with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500 – Apocalypse Now
  • Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs... – Die Hard
  • Cut me, Mick. – Rocky
  • Do you have the slightest idea what a moral and ethical principle is? Do you? – The Shining
  • Do...or do not.  There is no try. – Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back
  • Excuse me, stewardess, I speak jive – Airplane
  • Foreign contaminant! – WALL•E
  • Get off my plane! – Air Force One
  • God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm. – Bruce Almighty
  • Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! – The Truman Show
  • He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr, and suits so fine, they made Sinatra look like a hobo. – Anchorman
  • Here, picture this: A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet – Beauty and the Beast
  • He's more machine now than man. – Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
  • Hey, I know a joke!  A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead."  Ha!  It is funny because the squirrel gets dead. – Up
  • I can't carry it for you...but I can carry you! – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
  • I didn't spend six years on evil medical studies to be called "mister", thank you very much! – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
  • I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. – The Silence of the Lambs
  • I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. – Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  • I draw...people smiling, dogs running, rainbows.  They don't have meetings about rainbows. – The Sixth Sense
  • I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
  • I love the smell of napalm in the morning – Apocalypse Now
  • I must be crazy to be in a loony bin like this. – One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • I never wanted any of you to die for me. – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
  • I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask." – Dumb & Dumber
  • I work for senor psychopath now – Aladdin
  • I would have followed you, my brother... my captain... my king. – The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
  • I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve. – The Dark Knight
  • If it's truth you're looking for, Dr. Tyree's philosophy class is right down the hall. – Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
  • I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no". – Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
  • I'm your density. – Back to the Future
  • In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns. – The Godfather
  • Is there anyone alive out there? Can anyone hear me? – Titanic
  • It's only when we wake up that we realize how things are actually strange. – Inception
  • Kiss me as if it were the last time. – Casablanca
  • Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. – Monty Python & the Holy Grail
  • Love is too weak a word for what I feel.  I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two Fs. – Annie Hall
  • "Love the jet.” “Wait’ll you see the car.” – M:I 4 Ghost Protocol
  • Never again will I allow our political self-interest to deter us from doing what we know to be morally right. Atrocity and terror are not political weapons. And to those who would use them, your day is over. We will never negotiate. We will no longer tolerate and we will no longer be afraid. It's your turn to be afraid. – Air Force One
  • No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how. – Gone with the Wind
  • Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you.  Ain't I something? – Finding Nemo
  • Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today. – Groundhog Day
  • On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of His true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job? – The Green Mile
  • Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. – Alien
  • Plastics – The Graduate
  • Pop quiz, hot shot. – Speed
  • Po-tay-toes!  Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. – The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
  • Put that thing back where it came from or so help me... – Monsters, Inc.
  • Say hello to my little friend! – Scarface
  • So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. – Jaws
  • Stern, if this factory ever produces a shell that can actually be fired, I'll be very unhappy. – Schindler’s List
  • Stop trying to hit me, and hit me. – The Matrix
  • Strange, isn't it?  Each man's life touches so many other lives.  When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? – It's a Wonderful Life
  • The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. – The Usual Suspects
  • The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997.  Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. – Terminator 2: Judgment Day
  • These walls are funny.  First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em.  Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them.  That's institutionalized. – The Shawshank Redemption
  • "Thirty years of this, and you get a tidy pension and a cheap gold watch.” “Cool.” – Speed
  • To begin with, this case should never have come to trial.  The state has not produced one iota of medical evidence that the crime Tom Robinson is charged with ever took place. – To Kill a Mockingbird
  • Tuesday night's plastic corrosion awareness meeting was, I think, a big success. – Toy Story
  • We all end up dead, it's just a question of how and why. – Braveheart
  • Well the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot. And the baboons are going ape over this. – The Lion King
  • Well, from my way of thinking, sir, this entire mission is a serious misallocation of valuable military resources. – Saving Private Ryan
  • What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? – Wizard of Oz
  • "What’s the matter with you?”  “I can’t swim.”  “Are you crazy?  The fall will probably kill you.” – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
  • When I got tired, I slept.  When I got hungry, I ate.  When I had to go, you know, I went. – Forrest Gump
  • Whether or not what we experienced was an According-to-Hoyle miracle is insignificant.  What is significant is that I felt the touch of God.  God got involved. – Pulp Fiction
  • Why does the floor move? – Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels. – Fight Club
  • You just watch yourself.  We're wanted men.  I have the death sentence on twelve systems. – Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope
  • You know what FINE stands for: Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional – The Italian Job
  • Your emperor is pleased to give you the barbarian horde! – Gladiator

Friday, November 13, 2015

Leaf Wars

There's an annual game in my neighborhood. Well...maybe "game" is too tame a word. Perhaps "competition" would be better.

No. Still not enough.

There's an annual war in my neighborhood.

And I am consistently listed among the defeated.

You see, a nice little perk here in the Minnesota suburbs is when the street cleaner comes through and sucks up all the leaves that we've raked from our front yards to curbside. The conflict revolves around me getting my leaves to the curb before the totally unannounced and completely random suck-up day.

Last year, the combination of a late fall and early winter had me raking leaves and shoveling snow at the same time...and the leaf removal didn't happen at all.

The year before that, the street cleaner went through sometime in late August...just a little too early for me to have climbed up my trees and plucked the leaves off.

But this year...oooooh...this year, I got the upper hand. My normally-delinquent hickory...the one tree that holds on to its leaves until February...gave up its bounty of golden leaves during an early fall windstorm and I got my whole yard raked clean before the municipal marauder came through.

Yes! Victory at last!

As I drove home from work yesterday, it was apparent the sweeper had been through our neighborhood. The curbs and gutters were pristine...

...until I rounded the corner and saw the street in front of our house.

The leaf-sucker had clearly driven up to our property line, swung the rig to the left, avoided my leaf pile, then snuggled back up close to the curb at the neighbor's property line.

I am not kidding.

Next year...expect an escalation into shock and awe territory.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Heart Attack To Go, Please

Sometimes, it's a good thing when McBurgendy's takes an unusually long time to fill your order.

Why, you ask?

Because sometimes, when McBurgendy's takes an unusually long time to fill your order, the manager not only hands you your order, but also a nifty little card entitling you to a free value meal.

I speak from experience.

And then, if the planets have aligned just perfectly, something happens to you like what happened to me when I used my nifty little card entitling me to a free value meal.

I bravely approached the counter (I avoid using the drive-thru whenever possible, if only as a protest against its spelling...or lack thereof.), ordered my Double 4-Ouncer with Cheese, and gleefully awaited the arrival of two-days'-worth of sodium and fat.

Soon, my order arrived, but alas, the requested absence of pickles and onions was muffed.

And the second attempt had no pickles nor onions...but also lacked cheese.

As the McBurgendy's employee approached me the third time, she had a smile on her face and TWO paper bags in her hands.

That's right, Almosteteers, I left the place with two small drinks, two orders of fries, and two Double 4-Ouncers with Cheese...a full pound of heart-stopping deliciousness.

And oh of those beefy boulders also had bacon on it.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Blighter's Rock

Feeling beat by this blank sheet
A field of white with nothing to write
Is there nothing within that might cause a grin?

Rubbing a beet on a bleating sheep
Will stain the wool, and that's no bull
Is there nothing to say to brighten the day?

I'll get off my feet and get some sleep
Some peaceful rest would surely be best
Is there nothing to print that's worth a squint?

Just look what I've done! No, not one!
Not one word that's not absurd
Is there nothing, I fear, existing right here
Between my ear...and my other ear?

Friday, October 23, 2015

Billy Graham Disses Evangelical Writers

It's hard to believe, but it's in writing...and published, oddly enough, on the back cover of a book by an evangelical writer.

In an unprecedented move, FaithWords, the publisher of the Philip Yancey book, What Good Is God?, has included a quote from Billy Graham on the back cover that would appear to degrade not only Yancey's book, but everything ever written in modern times by anyone other than Billy Graham himself.

Inexplicably under the heading "Praise for Philip Yancey", world-renowned evangelist Billy Graham is quoted as saying, "There is no writer in the evangelical world that I admire and appreciate."

Expect the shockwaves of reaction to hit our shores any minute now.

Wait...there's a sales sticker covering the last part of the quote. Let me take it off.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

"There is no writer in the evangelical world that I admire and appreciate more."


Never mind...

Friday, October 16, 2015

STAR WARS: Return of the Beatles

What if Lennon & McCartney were Star Wars fanboys?

  • Vader, You're a Half-Man
  • Eleanor Dooku
  • I Saw Her Standing There (Telling Obi-Wan He Was Their Only Hope)
  • Force Fields Forever
  • Nowhere Han
  • Yellow X-Wing
  • Got To Get You Into My Millennium Falcon
  • Eight Parsecs a Week
  • The Long and Winding Exogorth
  • She's Got a Speeder to Ride (Through the Forest)
  • Love Me Do (Yoda Version Acoustic)
  • All You Need Is The Force
  • I've Got a Bad Feeling About This
  • Can't Buy Me Clones
  • A Hard Day's Bantha
  • Hey Jedi
  • I Want to Hold Your Light Saber

Friday, October 9, 2015

That's Just Plain Looney

Because I can, and because if I can perhaps I should...and because some of the kids I'm performing with in Giant Step Theatre's latest production (Tom & Huck) have never watched a significant amount of Looney Tunes (I shudder to think what has happened to SocietyAtLarge)...this week's post is a celebration of Bugs Bunny and the gang that sprang from the Warner Bros. Studios' Termite Terrace.

Quotable Quotes (with thanks to the Looney Tunes SoundSource):

And because it would be wrong not to include an actual example of this animated greatness, here's one of my favorites. This "live" presentation is the only version of the complete "Rabbit of Seville" I could find, but the fact that even THIS is entertaining is witness to how wonderful Chuck Jones and Co. really were.

And the biggest "because" of all...this Looney tribute is here because I have absolutely nothing else to write about this week.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Observed Absurdities™ 20 - TMI

Sometimes there can be just a little too MUCH truth in advertising.

And "finger-lickin' good" has all of a sudden started sounding really gross.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Friday, September 18, 2015

Tweet It Again, Sam

Just in case you haven't been dialed in to the Twitter wonderosity known as @deweyroth, allow me to repeat some tweets you could have seen live and in person HAD you been...

UberFacts: Australia moves toward Asia 3 inches per year.” How long has this been going on? Because it hasn't run into Asia yet, right?

Martin Van Halen #AlmostThePrez

Richard M. Nikon #AlmostThePrez

#NewsFlash: Nobody cares what you had for dinner. #TrueTruth

Needless wordage. #NormalTweet

I probably ate at least a dozen Oreos in the employee breakroom last night. #GodIsGood

ChruchSecretary: Pie & Lattes > Pilates” #Truth

Just watched #BlackHawkDown and am disappointed it wasn't about a depressed bird.

UberFacts: The first recipient of a silicone breast implant was a dog.” until she got the!

UberFacts: In Finland, when someone earns their Ph.D., they are given a top hat and a sword.” That tears it! I'm moving!

UberFacts: Every second, you make 500 new skin cells.” No wonder #I'mExhausted

UberFacts: Women are more likely to duck into the men’s room than vice versa.” Because you CAN'T men into the duck room. #Duh

UberFacts: You are more likely to be killed by your sofa than by a terrorist attack.” I've never trusted my sofa. Now I know why.

Factsionary: There are 14 billion insects for every human on Earth.” Anybody can have mine, I don't want them.

Blathering in the #digital world

Just swam in a hotel pool in Jaynesville WI. Now showering off the #cheese residue.

Factsionary: Archeologists have found pots of honey thousands of years old in Ancient Egyptian tombs that are still edible.” #ediblepots

UberFacts: A feral pig in Australia stole 18 beers from a campsite, got drunk, and then tried to fight a cow.” O the evils of Drink

Friday, September 11, 2015

The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress

I can't stop thinking about Flip Wilson in a dress.

It's not Flip's fault. It's because of the Truth Is post earlier this week. Talking about how people blame the devil for things they do, it's only natural that this kid of the Seventies thought about "The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress."

And now, thanks to the timelessness of YouTube, you can think about it, too.

You are welcome.

Friday, September 4, 2015

For the Labor Force

As Labor Day approaches at its absolutely latest possible date, let me take the time to note that hardly anyone this side of a tombstone refers to just Labor Day anymore. Almost without fail, we talk about Labor Day Weekend.

Granted, this revelation falls far short of being revolutionary, intriguing, or surprising. It does, however, remind me of how our youngest daughter, KayJay, took the whole thing literally when giving birth to our granddaughter, SweetCheeks.

KayJay was not satisfied with having a few hours of labor. Even a day of labor wasn't enough. She stretched it out to a whole weekend...50 hours, to be exact.

And that, for those of you unfamiliar with the Norwegian ways of Minnesnowta, is what we call Uffdah.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Suburban Puma on the Loose!

I met a mountain lion on a walk through our neighborhood.

I was taking a late-summer stroll on one of the many well-groomed paths that snake through the suburbs south of the Minnesota River here in the Land of 10,000 Entitlement mind full of TV theme songs and quotes from Gilligan's Island...when the aforementioned meeting took place.

About 20 yards ahead of me, the big cat crossed the path and entered a wooded area to the left that sloped down to a small creek and back up to the back yards of several houses.

As I put my walk on hold, I thought, "Cool!" But then it got unbelievable.

I saw the mountain lion walk along the fence row, and then, with what looked to be an effortless leap, it jumped the backyard fence of a house...a house with a working barbecue grill on its deck. The cat bounded up the steps of the deck, knocked over the grill, picked up the thickest steak of the bunch, and started back down the steps.

About halfway down the steps, the beast did something you'll never believe. It turned around, went back up to the deck, popped open a cooler, snagged a six-pack with its right paw, and loped back down the steps, across the yard, over the fence, and into the trees...apparently on its way to a relaxing evening with friends.

It's at this point that I feel the need to remind you that this blog is called Almost the Truth.

However, it IS true that there's a path near our house with a wooded creek running beside it.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Half the Fun Is Getting There

The morning trip to the new workplace did NOT go as anticipated.

I had a couple checks I needed to deposit, so I left about ten minutes earlier than would have been necessary. (Do you remember checks? They are pieces of paper that one person or entity gives to another as a directive to the bank of the other person or entity to take a particular amount of money out of the giver's bank account and place it into the receiver's bank account. It's old tech in a new tech world.)

My normal mode of check depositation is to visit the Asset Taking Machine at my local convenience store/gas station/CornNuts dispensary. As I was pulling into said establishment, I decided to fill my three-quarters-empty gas tank. I sidled the car up next to the pumps, got out, opened the gas-cap-covering panel, unscrewed the gas cap, turned to the pump, and reached into my pocket to retrieve my plastic-bearing wallet.

Correction...I reached into my empty pocket.

"Oh crud," thought I.

I hopped back into my mighty motor vehicle and returned home as quickly as was legally possible.

When I got home, I bounded upstairs to where my wallet wasn't. That wasn't my initial plan, of course. I had intended to bound upstairs to where my wallet was, but that's not what happened.

Just as I started breaking into a sweat, I remembered that, the previous afternoon, I had put my wallet into the little glove-box-like thingy between the two front seats of MY CAR.

Yeah...I know.

At that point, I had eaten up those extra minutes I had started with, so there was no longer time to put gas in the car or make the deposit. I went to work. I went directly to work. I did not pass Go and I most definitely did NOT collect $200.

I did make an interesting discovery, though. When I got out of the car at work, I noticed that I had made the whole trip with the gas cap dangling from the side of my car.

Friday, August 14, 2015

A Little Privacy, Please

Alert readers with fairly good memory skills will recall that last week's post slipped in a tiny mention of the end of my job search...and the good news is, the search didn't end because I gave up, but because the incantations I pronounced over my resume and LinkedIn profile finally took effect and fooled some fool into hiring me.

For a while, at least.

Officially, this position with DocumentCzar will last nine months, but there's already talk about how the more amazing I am the more likely it will turn into a long-term gig.

No pressure there.

The biggest pressure for me, actually, is centered in the central area of my body...round about the bladder. Being back in the highly-processed air of an office environment, trying to keep hydrated by ingesting copious amounts of water, I find myself needing to make a few trips down the hallway to the men's room. (There IS a slightly closer rest room, but its door says "whoa men"...I'm not allowed to "go" there.)

At least it's a nice rest room: Touchless dispensers for soap and paper towels, aromatic oils, soft lighting....

The problem is, there's lots of people in this office. People who apparently have the same issue with bladder function as I do. It took me five trips before I got to stand at the grown-up's urinal. Until then, I was stuck trying to hit the mark at the Billy Barty Memorial Porcelain Pee Pot.

And don't even get me started on what happens when I need to do more than a stand-up job.

("Eww...can we move on to a different subject, please?")

Biggest perk so far: my manager keeps a bowl of chocolate on her desk; available for any and all raiders. I've already gained three pounds.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Birthday Blues

In memory of the recent anniversary of the day of my birth:

(To the tune of "Sixteen Candles")
Sixteen candles...
Times three point six two five
That's how long I've been alive
Can you believe this jive?!!?

Blow out my candles
It might take a crowd
And I'm not too proud
To ask you to sing loud

(To the tune of "You're 16 [You're Beautiful and You're Mine]")
I may be your worst nightmare
Losing my hair
But Mama didn't raise no fool
I'm 58
I'm balding
But I'm cool

I'm all wrinkled and plain
With major joint pain
I can't do laps in a pool
I'm 58
I'm balding
But I'm cool

(To the tune of "Sixteen Tons")
You live 52 weeks, and what will transpire?
You're one year older and harder to hire.
St. Peter, just call me; I'm ready to leave.
Unemployment's run out, but I will not grieve.

These gems were written before a late-July offer of full-time employment, with a start date the Monday after my last week of unemployment benefits...the day after my birthday. Nice present!