Friday, September 28, 2012

How Many Is Several?

The following is an actual conversation between my only son and me.

ActorBoy: I'm supposed to give them several available dates and long as it's in these four days. [Pause] I don't think I can fit "several" dates in that amount of time.

Me: Sure you can. Three is "several."

ActorBoy: Three is "a few."

Me: Okay...let me think...two would be "a pair," three is "a few" about four? Four could be "several."

ActorBoy: I would call that "some." I've always connected the number twelve with "several."

Me: Well, sure, twelve would be several, but it doesn't take that many to be "several." I could have dinner with eight friends and say "I had dinner with several friends."

ActorBoy: I would call that "a bunch."

[Much laughter]

ActorBoy: You should write this down!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Almost the Truthlets, the First

At the alarming rate of "every so often", on the Almost the TruthTM Publishing FaceBook page, which you can find by clicking here, I post small snippets of almost-truth as "status updates". To fill you in on what you may have been missing, and encourage you to go to the aforementioned Almost the TruthTM Publishing FaceBook page and "Like" it, I herewith provide for you a compendium of said postings.

Please hold your applause until the end.

  • 2 + 2 = 3.87
  • Four score and six years ago...
  • One brick shy of a Happy Meal
  • Away out west they got a name for wind and rain and fire: the rain is Wet, the fire Glows, and they call the
  • A fool and his money...yeah, that about covers it for me...except for the money part.
  • When the moon hits a guy, but he doesn't die...that's amazing.
  • Oscar speech: I'd like to thank all the little people who mindlessly devour the drivel Hollywood produces.
  • A bird in the hand is not such a great idea...
  • Don't look a gift horse in the...never mind.
  • Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your rebate in Menard's.
  • What doesn't kill you makes you weaker and more vulnerable to the next attack.
  • "I am," I said, to no one there. And no one heard at all—well, duh.
  • Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason is because you're stupid and make bad decisions.
  • Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You're black.
  • Betcha can't imagine the following without at least grinning: Kangaroos on a trampoline.
  • C' can do it! It's not rocket surgery.
  • If you can't beat 'em, mercilessly make fun of 'em.
  • Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me Mister Tibbs!
  • The early bird gets the worm...not that that's much of an incentive to be early.
  • If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will retire and live on a great pension.
  • Who put the “bop” in the “I’m gonna bop you one”?

Friday, September 14, 2012

Names of Biblical Proportions

When contemplating what to name a newborn child, parents have many options. They can search through family records to find either a close or distant relative's name that "jumps out" at them. (Boo Radley comes to mind.) They can scour websites and books dedicated to listing possible names...maybe basing their choice on the name's meaning. (Take "Dewey," for instance, which means "all wet.")

Perhaps the most widespread help for finding names is also one of the oldest: the Bible.

It's a great source for finding some very popular names, such as: Adam, Benjamin, Daniel, David, Jacob, Joel, John, Joseph, Martha, Mary, Nathan, Ruth, Timothy, and of course, for my Hispanic readers, Jesus.

There are even some second-tier possibilities for the truly faithful: Abraham, Isaac, Jeremiah, and of course, for my Amish readers, Zedekiah.

But there are some Biblical names that I honestly believe have passed their expiration dates and we will probably not see in contemporary birth announcements: Amminadab, Elizaphan (isn't that the stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?), Nogah, and Uzziel.

My favorite unusable Biblical name...the shortest man who ever lived...Bildad the Shuhite. (Now, that's pretty darn short! Even though it would work well for when someone asks a bride, "Who's paying for this?" The answer: "Bildad.")

Friday, September 7, 2012

Saying It With Music

Depending on how new you are to these parts, you may or may not be aware that my weekday morning status updates on FaceBook are trivia games with different themes, depending on the day of the week. Thursday mornings are Name That Tune Day, and for the past year, unknown to the world at large, rather than just posting random lyrical quotes, I've been carefully selecting what words from what songs to use...all so it would result, when read from start to finish, in the glory that follows.

Does anybody really care?  If so, I can’t imagine why1 he got a 32 gun in his pocket for fun.2
I think I’m gonna be sad.Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard!4  I’ve been cheated; been mistreated.5  I’ve been drivin’ all night; my hand’s wet on the wheel.6  All this science, I don’t understand.7  Don’t know much about geography.8  I was lost and blind ‘til a friend of mine came and took me by the hand.9  But if I really say it, the radio won’t play it.10
All the leaves are brown11 and they wither with the wind and they crumble in your hand.12..Don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky.13  Long as I remember, the rain’s been comin’ down.14  Hangin’ around, nothing to do but frown,15 and just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed, nothing seems to fit.16  Just like Pagliacci did, I try to keep my sadness hid.17  
I hope I didn’t wake you, but there’s something that I’ve just got to say:18  “B-b-b-baby,19 rah-rah, ah-ah-ah! Rom-mah, rom-mum-mah!20  Nah, nah-nah, nah-nah-nah, nah.21  Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean:22  They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don’t have pre-wrapped bacon.23 
There’s my friend from Chicago.24  He's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy.25  He had a woman he loved in Saigon.26  He said, “You don’t need no strength, you need to grow up, son.27  You better take care if I find you been creepin’ ‘round my back stairs.28  ’Cause I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I’m a sinner.29  I get knocked down, but I get up again.30  I’m New York City, born and raised, but nowadays I’m lost between two shores31 with no direction home; like a complete unknown.” 32
I awoke last night to the sound of thunder.  “How far off?” I sat and wondered.33  I’ve been thinking that I should stop disc jockeying and start that record store.34  The time to hesitate is through.35  I don't claim to be an "A" student, but I'm trying to be.36  Want to move ahead, but the boss won’t seem to let me.37  Maybe I’m a lonely man who’s in the middle of something that he doesn’t really understand.38
Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?39  His blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul.40  I don’t care what they may say.  I don’t care what they may do.41  Satan is an evil charmer; he’s hungry for a soul to hurt.42  And the three men I admire most – the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost43 –maybe be just like the Beatles: melodic rockin’ heavyweights.44 
When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change.45  Don’t go trying some new fashion.46  You’re everything I hoped for.  You’re everything I need.47  Come on, baby, don’t say maybe.48  Take my hand.  Take my whole life, too.49  Once I get you up there where the air is rarified, we’ll just glide starry-eyed.50  Or would you rather be a mule?51 
I guess what I be saying is there ain’t no better reason to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons.52 
 *  *  *  *  *  *  *
1) Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?   2) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown   3) Ticket to Ride   4) Call Me Al   5) When Will I Be Loved?   6) Radar Love   7) Rocket Man   8) Wonderful World   9) The Rock That Doesn’t Roll   10) I Dig Rock and Roll Music   11) California Dreamin’   12) Leaves that are Green   13) Stormy Weather   14) Who’ll Stop the Rain?   15) Rainy Days and Mondays   16) Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head   17) Tears of a Clown   18) I’ll Have to Say I Love You in a Song   19) You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet   20) Bad Romance   21) Hey Jude   22) Your Song   23) If I Had a Million Dollars   24) On the Tequila   25) Piano Man   26) Born in the U.S.A.   27) Authority Song   28) Sundown   29) The Joker   30) I Get Knocked Down   31) I Am, I Said   32) Like a Rolling Stone   33) Night Moves   34) WOLD   35) Light My Fire   36) Wonderful World   37) 9 to 5   38) Maybe I’m Amazed   39) The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald   40) Leader of the Band   41) Jesus Is Just Alright   42) Shut De Do   43) American Pie   44) Never Gonna Be As Big As Jesus   45) Just the Way You Are (Bruno Mars)   46) Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)   47) You Are So Beautiful   48) Take It Easy   49) I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You   50) Come Fly With Me   51) Would You Like to Swing on a Star?  52) I’m Yours (Jason Mraz)