Friday, August 31, 2012

You...you bag! You stupid, stupid bag!

A tip-o-the-hat to failblog.cheezburger.com for the following picture, which led my mind to the verbal jabs that follow the following picture...ya follow?


You're so ugly...ugly people cover you up with pictures of themselves.



What are you even MADE of? Hot dogs refuse to be put inside you.



You're about as useful as pre-popped bubble wrap.


When you get filled with air and popped...nobody even flinches.


Everything you rhyme with is negative: gag, hag, lag, nag, sag...


Those Fandango ads you star in really blow chunks.


You're so wimpy...you couldn't punch your way out of yourself...even if you were wet.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Business Plan for Success

I've got a great new idea for becoming financially independent. It doesn't demand a lot of physical labor (a top priority for me), nor is it dependent on an ongoing involvement on my part. It's clean, simple, and almost assuredly legal. And I have the following photo to thank for the concept.

I've decided to take that concept and turn it to a greater advantage.

I'm going to sell my vintage 1977 Marvel Special Edition Star Wars comic book (#1) at the never-before-advertised price of only five million dollars.

Okay, okay, okay...calm down. I know that's a fairly big asking price...but I only need to sell one.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Y U No Good Looking?!!?

I recently entered the Publishers Clearinghouse "$5,000 a week Forever" sweepstakes. (Hey...give God every available option for testing my ability to handle wealth, right?)

One piece of the forest-felling collection of ads and offers and Official Certificates that is part and parcel of a Pub C-House mailing was a flyer ordering me to go online to see if I had won $25,000 instantly. Being the obedient sort, I went to the appropriate website, instantly found that I wasn't an instant winner (shock and awe!) and then was led through a collection of electronic ads and offers and Official Certificates.

Of interest is that, online at least, Publishers Clearinghouse actually offers discounted magazine subscriptions. (File that tidbit in the same folder as "MTV played a music video.") One such offer was for Gentleman's Quarterly, commonly referred to as GQ.


I look at that face on that cover and think, "Are you kidding me? Is that supposed to entice me to subscribe? Is that now the standard of rugged handsomeness to which I'm supposed to aspire? Firstly, comb that mop of hair into some semblance of a style, okay? Secondly, get some sleep in an attempt to cure those sunken, baggy eyes. And for the love of everything righteous and true, either grow a beard or shave, you lily-skinned,  indecisive mongrel you."

By the way, did I mention I just renewed my membership in GROUCH (Global Ranks Of Unedited Curmudgeons & Hacks)?

Friday, August 10, 2012

Almost the News XVII

Leader Wants to Restart Nuclear Plants
Japan Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda said he plans to begin with the radioactive rhododendron and  move on to uranium-rich nasturtiums later in the year.

New DWI Tester Called Flawed
In related news, the marketing manager for the company that produces the new tester was summarily fired today.

Man Critical After Gunshot to Head
"He used to be so friendly and positive," said the man's wife, "Always looked on the bright side of things, you know? But ever since he got shot in the head, it's one complaint after another."

Australia Creating World's Largest Marine Reserves
Apparently, the plan is to feed them chocolate shakes, french fries, and double portions of red meat, coupled with very little physical activity.

Board Member Raps Scouts' Gay Policy
"Well I'm talkin' 'bout the Scouts and the things they're standin' for
Some stuff you gotta know if you're comin' through our door
We be manly men, yeah, you hear what I say
If you wanna be a Scout, then you can't be gay"

Republican Legislators Take Ritchie to Task
Apparently, he couldn't call a taxi or anything.

Troubled New York Hospitals Forgo Coverage for Malpractice
In a joint press conference, hospital administrators said, "We had a hard choice to make. We couldn't provide both coverage and malpractice. We had to choose one or the other, so we went with what we're better at."

China Sends First Woman Into Space
...however, it is still a mystery as to how they obtained Eve in the first place.

Obama Seen Bouncing Back from Tough Stretch
Now THERE'S a photo opportunity!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Attack of the Doobie Brothers

A particularly frustrating collection of the mental soundtracks that drew me into wakefulness for the past three months.





MAY
1 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers)
3 – Battle Hymn of the Republic (with, of course, the alternate lyric involving perpetrating violence against an educational professional)
6 – Nothing But the Blood of Jesus
7 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers) I’m sure my atheist friends are chuckling at the juxtaposition of this with “Nothing But the Blood of Jesus.”
8 – Today is the Day (“Today is the day You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it…”)
11 – I Wanna Be Your Man (Oh my! I haven’t heard the Beatles in my head since December 21, 2011! http://almostthetruth.blogspot.com/2012/02/hello-earworm-my-old-friend.html)
14 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers…again)
15 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers…and again)
16 – What a Fool Be–oh for cryin’ out loud!
18 – Kiss Me (Sixpence None the Richer) Ahhhh…relief…
19 – Oh How He Loves
21 – Save the Country (Fifth Dimension)
23 – What a Fool AAAAAAUUUUUGH!
25 – What a Fool Believes – Somebody get me an ice pick! I need to dig this tune out of my brain! What is the DEAL?!? I’ve been listening to other stuff, but nothing has taken the place of hearing Michael McDonald’s voice pulling me toward wakefulness.
28 – Feels So Good (Chuck Mangione)
29 – My Old Man (Smothers Brothers) Never hurts to wake up with a chuckle!
31 – Psalm of HOPE (Debbie Roth) Written by KayJay, Beloved, & Me; on Beloved’s 4th CD, “living letters of HOPE” (http://www.restinhimministry.com)

JUNE
1 – Unless the Lord Builds the House (Keith Green)
3 – If You Wanna Be Happy (Jimmy Soul) “If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. So, from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.”
6 – 101 Uses for Spam (This isn’t even a completed song yet, and already it’s banging in my head! Explanation: I’m co-writing and co-directing the Dakota Chautauqua this year [Big tent show at the Dakota County Fair, August 6-12, 2012] and this is the 2nd song I’ve written for it so far. Eric Peltoniemi will be doing the music for my lyrics, but I did have a tune in my head for the chorus, and it decided to inflict itself upon me this morning.)
9 – Holly Holy (Neil Diamond)
12 – Hooked on a Feeling (B. J. Thomas)
13 – It’s Alright (Matthew Ward) For the 98% of you wonderful readers who will have never heard this suhWEET tune from the early days of Jesus Music:
14 – Down in the Boondocks (Billy Joe Royal)
27 – Backfield in Motion (Mel and Tim…yeah no, I had to look it up)
28 – Crackling Rose (Neil Diamond, with his second appearance on the charts this month!)
29 – What a Fool Believes (I’ve got a bad feeling about this.)
30 – What a Fool Believes (Seriously?!?)

JULY
2 – What a Fool… I NEED THERAPY!
3 – I Will Follow (Chris Tomlin) Sang this song in worship Sunday morning and at a women’s prison Monday night. Great way to leave the Doobie Brothers behind!
8 – Go Away Little Girl (Donny Osmond)
15 – I am stuck on Band-Aid, ‘cause Band-Aid’s stuck on me…
20 – Africa (Toto)
21 – Your Mother Should Know (John, Paul, George, and Ringo)
23 – Call Me Maybe (Carly Rae Jepsen)