Friday, June 8, 2012

Treeing Up the Wrong Bark

I made what was, arguably, a mistake this past winter. I bought a windshield cover that, it was reported, magnetically clings to one's car and prevents frost from forming. I wanted to be able to save myself from the several minutes of scraping it was taking to clear my windshield before the morning commute.

The purchase itself was not a mistake. Other than needing to tuck the edges of the cover into the car's doors to keep it from blowing away, it worked as advertised and saved me time and effort. The aspect of mistakedness to which I refer is that this single purchase seems to have opened my mailbox up to the receipt of a cornucopia catalogs of varying degrees of desirability and trustworthiness.

The reason all of this is arguably a mistake: I'm getting a gaggle of giggles from some of the blurbs in these things. Take, for instance, the following from Heartland America:

Barking dog keeping you up at night? Stop it with the Dog Bark Eliminator! Styled after systems developed by veterinarians, this device emits an ultrasonic frequency that's inaudible to humans, but dogs can't stand. Simply press a button and it immediately emits a tone to deliver a safe and harmless  -  yet amazingly effective  -  correction. Dog Bark Eliminator also can be used as a coaching device! Features expanded 50' range, audible control option, LED flashlight for walking your dog at night and wrist strap. '9V' batteries not included.

Why does this make me giggle, you ask? There are a few reasons:

1)  The Product's Name: We seriously couldn't come up with anything better than Dog Bark Eliminator? How about K-9 Kwieter? Or Bark-B-Gone?

2)  The Product's Likely Real Effect: Read the description again and tell me you don't believe the device will turn an irritatingly-barking dog into an irritatingly-whimpering dog.

3) The Headline for This Product: And I quote..."Stop any dog from barking safely, effectively, and humanely!" That's right, folks! Now we can ensure any dog will bark dangerously, in a way that will be ignored, and with a degree of cruelty unbecoming of humans!

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