Rural Bankers Survey Now Points Toward Contraction
Specifically, the word can't.
Girl Honored by Lakeville Police for Helping Mother
Has it come to this? Is dusting the house before company comes such a big deal now that it gets noticed by the police?
Military Muscle on Display
Hundreds of curious patriots an hour are filing past the preserved bicep of General George S. Patton.
Mark Bellows to Run for Mayor
Tension was high during last night's City Council meeting when Councilman Mark raised his voice and argued, "The mayor should not have to run in the Race for the Cure! I'll do it for him, and I'll do it well!"
Petters Witness Found in Contempt
After being missing for five days, Larry Reynolds was found hiding in a rented storage facility in the small town of Contempt, Arkansas.
Man in Critical Condition After Stabbing
One of the staff nurses at Mercy Hospital is quoted as saying, "All that guy does is whine and complain."
Bear Who Mauled Caretaker Put Down
A bear that mauled a caretaker has been given what is locally referred to as "The Rudolph Treatment": all of the other bears laugh and call him names.