Monday, November 30, 2009

Thanksgiving: Let there be Skyline Chili!

The recently-passed Thanksgiving weekend was positively swell for several reasons, not the least of which was seeing a great niece be baptized with water from the Jordan River. (How cool is that?!!?) It was also far more glorious than grand to have all my siblings together for the first time in three years and indulge in an obscene amount of food.

But I must confess, with a slight bit of shame, that the most enjoyable repast of the weekend didn't happen at Clarence and Georgina's table, surrounded by children young and old. The best meal of all didn't consist of deep-fried turkey and sweet potato casserole. No, my friends, the food that found me smiling the broadest was enjoyed in the company of AngelFace and KayJay in a shiny vinyl booth at an eatery in Anderson, Indiana...72 miles from my folks' place.

Behold, if you will, the sumptuousness that is Skyline Chili:

For those who are fans of Skyline Chili, I apologize for making you drool while so close to a computer.
For those who are repulsed by Skyline Chili, may God have mercy on your soul.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Let a professional do it

The current fear of swine flu or pigs flying or whatever it is has gotten completely out of hand. It's to the point where McDonald's doesn't trust us mere amateurs to properly wash our hands.

I was stuck in the rest room for 47 minutes, waiting for an employee to show up.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Almost the News V

At Ford, UAW Braces for Still More Concessions
Dearborn, Michigan-based Ford Motor Company is the center of a new controversy with the United Auto Workers, as an over-abundance of hot dogs, nachos, and popcorn soaked with artificially-butter-flavored oil by-products is said to be heading toward the lunch room.

Reward Offered in McDonald's Holdup
A $1,ooo reward is being offered to the perpetrators of a daring, daytime robbery of a local McDonald's. Says McDonald's manager, Ray Onions, "It was just such a perfectly planned and executed robbery, we think their excellence deserves extra recognition."

Rude Behavior Increases in College Courses
Excellent grades are being earned in Flipping the Bird 101 and Advanced Cinema Cell Phone Use.

Dip in Jobless Claims a Surprise
Workers in the Labor Department were curious as to why the Secretary of Labor had requested that paper copies of all new unemployment benefits applications be piled into an empty swimming pool. Their curiosity turned to utter surprise when the Secretary took a running jump off the diving board and cannonballed into them.

Woman Hit by Transit Bus in Critical Condition
Of course, the question still remains: If the bus was in such bad condition, why was it in operation in the first place?

Woman Sought in Bank Robbery
An unusual note was passed to a teller at the TCF Bank inside Lexington Avenue's Cub Foods: "Fill this bag with tens and twenties, and can you tell me where Judy is?"

Health Care Bill Clears the House
Apparently, legislators were so appalled at the rampant spending included in the latest version of the health care bill that when it was introduced everyone ran out of the building.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The early bird gets the earworm

A quarterly round-up of those annoying songs that forced themselves into my head upon my waking from a perfectly good night's sleep.

8 – Key Largo (Bertie Higgins)
9 – Fill My Cup, Lord (Debbie Roth) Starts with the old hymn, but then breaks into a suhweet, swampy, can’t-keep-from-clapping thang.
20 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers)
21 – Baby, I Love Your Way (Peter Frampton)
26 – Nowhere Man (Do I really need to say who the artist is on this one? If so, you have no business following this blog, you sniveling, ignorant piece of flotsam, you.)
31 – Soften Your Heart (Keith Green) Hmmm…after what I just wrote about those who may not be familiar with the Beatles’ catalogue, perhaps I really needed the message of this song.

1 – Take Me to the River of Living Water (Debbie Roth) The slightly spooky factual fact is that, when I cranked up the car to go to work this morning, guess what song started playing?
4 – We Look to You (Debbie Roth) This preponderance of songs by Beloved showing up in my head is understandable: her third CD, drenched in HOPE, has just been released, and I’m working on my parts to sing with her…apparently, even in my sleep.
8 – All the Earth (Worship song that we sang two days ago, so maybe it makes sense that it’s still in my head)
24 – Can’t Buy Me Love (yep…the Fab Four, once again)
28 – Coffee in a Cardboard Cup (from the musical, 70, Girls, 70)
29 – You’re the One that I Want (John Revolting & Olivia Neutron Bomb)

1 – Don’t Pull Your Love Out on Me Baby (Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds)
8 – Starlight Starbright (2nd Chapter of Acts)
9 – My Little Town (Simon & Garfunkel) Don’t remember it? Click this out:
13 – Wells Fargo Wagon (from the musical, The Music Man)
21 – I Just Want to be Your Everything (Andy Gibb) And curse you, Pier One and your Muzak, for planting this in my brain last night.
23 – Dancing Queen (Abba)
25 – Whenever I Call You Friend (Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks) When I heard this on the radio last night, I was all “Oh, wow! I haven’t heard this for years!” Now, I’m not quite as excited.)
29 – If You Love Me Let Me Know (Olivia Newton John)

Monday, November 2, 2009

You had to be there...

...and even then, you wouldn't have laughed as hard as I did.

Allow me to explain:

I was watching an episode of The Time Tunnel at Not familiar with The Time Tunnel? It was a one-season, hour-long drama that originally aired in 1966 with the futuristic plot (it all happens in 1968!) of two guys trapped in a mostly-malfunctioning time machine that hurls them into a different historical event (and sometimes, into the future) where they either learn or teach An Important Lesson For Us All.

Sidetrack: Why does the time machine always plop them into the middle of something historically significant? For example, in the first episode, they found themselves aboard the Titanic. In another show, they wound up trying to stop Lincoln's assassination. I mean, if the time machine took them to 1492, it would be a sure bet that they would be tossed onto the deck of either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. No way would they spend an episode in Greece tending sheep.

Anyway, I was watching the episode where our intrepid time travelers were trying to keep a young bugler from riding to the Little Big Horn with General Custer. It was all very super-serious and who's really the savage here?

The young bugler, named Tim, had just made some kind of suggestion about something and the taller, older, scientist-from-the-future looked him directly in the eyes and seriously intoned, "I don't think so, Tim."

Well, I've seen far too many episodes of Home Improvement to hear that phrase and not picture Al Borland trying to keep Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor in line.

I laughed...really hard...all by myself.

And yes, I know, even if I had been in a room full of people watching the same thing, I still would have been the only person laughing.