Thursday, January 8, 2009

Becoming Fine in 2009, Part Three

And the hits just keep on coming . . .


21. Break down those walls at work. The editors of U.S.News & World Report are recommending that we pretend to be friends with our managers because "it's much more difficult to fire someone that you know personally." Kind of like How to Win Friends and Enhance Your Job Security. This flies directly in the face of the time-proven song lyric: "You only hurt the ones you love." So...what would happen if you took your manager out to a karaoke bar and sang that song? Which fully-endorsed idea would win?

22. Start a nonprofit. I've already got this one accomplished, too. It's called "The Roth Family Budget."

23. Watch TV free online. Absolutely free...if you don't take into account the cost of your Internet service provider and your computer and your marriage counseling because you're spending all your time glued to your computer monitor instead of cultivating your spousal relationship.

24. Unscrew that Riesling. Contrary to the snooty-patootie wine muckity-mucks that like to describe the way things taste with terms like impertinent and frisky, a wine doesn't have to be corked to be potable. Screw-caps are becoming increasingly acceptable. Of course, I was raised with a healthy fear of all things alcoholic and would die choking on a truckload of guilt if I so much as sniffed the bouquet of a fine merlot...but you go ahead...don't mind me...I'll be fine.

25. Build your own brand. Ahem...welcome to Almost the Truth, home of the digressions of Dewey Roth.

26. Slow down on spending. File this tip under "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging."

27. Choose Obama stocks. The experts are saying that the stocks of certain industries dealing with infrastructure, alternative energy, and healthcare are likely to perform pleasingly in the Obama presidency. What they fail to say is that X is the algabraic symbol for the unknown and that a spurt is a a pressurized drip of water, so an expert is just an unknown drip under pressure. Take what they say advisedly...and wear a raincoat.

28. Bank on safe accounts. In a short piece that directly contradicts Number 27 (which she also wrote), Katy Marquardt says we should put our money in low-risk investments like bank CDs and money market accounts. Let's see...if I earn 3.2 percent on the extra $3.27 that I've got this month...

29. Try out your new home. The Latest Thing in trying to cinch the sale in real estate is for potential buyers to actually stay in the house overnight. The best part of this trend is that I have arranged to consider making an offer on six different beach-front properties in Florida over spring break.

30. Recycle tired gadgets. There are websites Out There that will actually pay you legal tender for your unused cell phones and iPods. I'm just glad that this starts and ends with electronic devices, because when Beloved first heard this headline, she started looking at me with a peculiar glint in her eye.

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