Becoming Fine in 2009, Part Five

This is the fifth and final installment of Almost the Truth's skewering of U.S.News & World Report's "50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2009." [Insert sounds of a celebratory crowd here]


41. Visit the last American frontier...which, in the editors' way of thinking, is the great state of Alaska. It's kind of interesting that Vice Presidential nominee, Sarahcuda, has brought so much attention to Alaska at the same time that it celebrates its 50th anniversary. At the same time, it's kind of messing with my mind to think that I am 1 year, 5 months, and 1 day older than a state. I really am, officially and beyond question, older than dirt.

42. Geotag your trip pics. It's bad enough that I have to remember where in the computer I filed my picture of the kids recreating Mount Rushmore...now I'm suppose to put the latitude and longitude in the photo's file, too? I really am, officially and beyond question, ready to find the goons that come up with these things and lay hands on them...hard, fast, and repeatedly.

43. Give pottery a spin. This is exactly what my life needs...something else for me to spend money on that will result in proving I am inept.

44. Teach your kids to cook. Sure...rub my face into the sad-but-true Truth that all four of our children are so far out of the nest that they very rarely even see the tree anymore. However, Beloved is living out this "suggestion" on bettering our lives. Whenever AngelFace calls, it's usually to ask how to cook something. So in a way, having not taught our kids to cook when they were growing up is increasing our opportunities for interaction and relationship-nurturing now that they are adult-like creatures.

45. Listen to Kind of Blue. "In 2009, 50 years will have passed since a young trumpet player named Miles Davis and his band walked into Columbia Records' East 30th Street recording studio..." ZZZzzzzzzzzz...

46. Learn to play bridge. ZZZzzzzzzzzz...

47. Take a "staycation." Here's an idea whose economic time has come! Instead of spending the truckload of cash it takes to fly to some exotic location, get to know the places in your hometown area that folks who "aren't from around here" would pay money to come visit. Needing to save even more money than what airline tickets would cost, I'm stretching this idea even farther. This June, Beloved and I are spending a week walking to our mailbox and back. I'll post the pictures!

48. Play that funky music. This piece sings the praises of the video games Rock Band and Guitar Hero. I admit that these diversions are probably healthier than the blood-splattered shoot-'em-ups that usually fly off the shelves. My only issue with them is that I've never heard of any of the songs they dare me to duplicate. The most-recent pop music album I own (and, yes, I'm talking vinyl record here) is Billy Joel's 1981 classic, The Stranger. From that point on, I mostly gave up on pop radio. That decision saved me from a decade of synthesized drum-like sounds, but it left me totally ill-equipped to rise to the challenge of singing along with the Flaming Hot Chili Bowlers.

49. Watch Let It Be. I would really, really love to obey this command, but this Beatles movie is out of print. Do we have to wait for a 50th anniversay DVD in 2019? C'mon, Paul and Ringo, you've done everything else to keep pulling income from your long-gone heydays...make this happen!

50. Read the book first. This annual list ends with a whimper as U.S.News & World Report breaks the amazing news that there are movies being released this coming year that are based on books. Their next investigative report will focus on the recent discovery that the sky tends to get brighter when the sun is above the horizon.