Friday, March 16, 2018

Observed Absurdities™ 36 - Mmm-Ch-Ch Church Musick

First, you need to know that my current LeadPastorPreacherGuy, DeeBee McWordNerd, has a son who used to play lead guitar in a Christian rock band that used to be wildly popular: Audio Adrenaline. #TrueTruth

Second, it's important for you to know that, since the demise of Audio Adrenaline, the aforementioned LeadGuitaristSon (LGS) has been busy doing studio work, touring, and making television appearances with several different musical artists, both faith-based and not-so-faith-based.

Third, sometimes, when LGS is home for a while in the Twin Cities, he gets hired to play in the worship band of a couple of the larger churches.

Now...I said all that so I can make this observation...

Sometimes the worship leaders of big churches think they're a little bigger than they really are.

And DeeBee McWordNerd has given me a couple examples involving LGS that not only prove my point, but make me chuckle.

Example 1:

During worship rehearsal, the church's video guy pulled LGS aside and asked if he could take off the jacket he was wearing: "The fabric really doesn't work well on camera."

I don't think LGS actually SAID anything, but he at least thought to himself, "That's funny, because it worked fine when I wore it on The Tonight Show the other day."

Example 2:

Worship Leader to LGS: I like what you're doing, but do you think you could play it a little more like what's on the record?

LGS to Worship Leader: This is exactly what I played on the record.

Friday, March 9, 2018

The Fattest Hits of the 1950s

It's only appropriate for a decade that gave us Fats Domino to also be the source of some of the fattest songs ever recorded.

Peggy Stew  -  "I love you, Peggy Stew; your beef broth is rare and true"

Whole Lot of Milkshakes Goin' On  -  Sung by Jerry "Sarah" Lee Lewis

All I Have to Do Is DreamWhip  -  "When I want you on my pie, when my apple crisp is kinda dry, whenever I want to, all I have to do is DreeeeeeamWhip"

Smoke Gets In Your Baby Back Ribs  -  "They...asked me how I to barbecue..."

The Great Pretenderizer  -  No joke, this is sung by The Platters

Eat Up, Little Susie  -  The Everly Brothers channel a Jewish mother

Blueberry Pie Hill  -  "I found my thrill..."

The Batter of New Orleans  -  Jimmy Horton sings about Long John Silver's secret recipe

Love Me Tender  -  "Love me tender, love me rare, love me grilled or fried"

Sixteen Tons  -  "I weigh sixteen tons, and brother, you bet; a trip to the grocer just leaves me in debt"

(Let Me Be Your) Gummi Bear  -  A big hit for Elvis Pretzley

Mack the Butter Knife  -  "Oh the shark fin soup...isn't sweet, dear...but the dinner soft and hot"

Rock Around the Buffet  -  "When the clock strikes one, we'll walk right in, and fill our plates again and again"

Friday, March 2, 2018

Wait'll You Hear What Indiana's State Drink Is

First of all, what's the big deal with there being a state drink? Or a state ANYTHING, for that matter?

Do states get kickbacks from companies when they say a product of theirs is the "State Product of That Type"? You know, like selling naming rights for a sports stadium or something? If they name The Mighty Oak as their state tree, does someone send the legislators cases of acorns?

Maybe if they declared state diseases...we could cure some of the nasty stuff going around. "It's time to wipe out toenail fungus; the state disease of Florida!"

I ran across a list of state drinks, some of which were no surprise at all. The state drink of Florida is orange juice. Makes total sense, because they grow oranges there. California's state drink is wine. Again, this seems right because California produces so many alcoholics.

Being a native of Indiana, I was interested to find out what distinctive beverage my home state had claimed as its own. What with Johnny Appleseed being buried in Fort Wayne, I was pulling for apple cider.

There we were, right after Illinois and before Iowa. My eyes followed the dotted line over to...the word...water.


I mean...How lame can one state BE?!?

"Okay, everybody, before we get to that budget thingy, we need to nail down the issue of our state drink. So what's it gonna be, folks? What form of liquid refreshment is there that encapsulates the true character of our people...the strong backbone of what Indiana stands for?"
" about...I don't know...water? We got plenty of that."
"Yeah, sure...whatever. That's fine. Is it time for lunch yet?"

I was feeling pretty bad about it all until I saw that the state drink of Nebraska is Kool-Aid.

Friday, February 23, 2018


One more round of television almosting...

Steers  -  You wanna work on a ranch where everybody knows your name

Different Stokes  -  Things get crazy in the boiler room when two brothers can't agree on the best way to shovel coal.

The Fax of Life  -  Original concept for what later became The Office

The Golden Corral Girls  -  Miami senior citizens discuss life and love while working part-time at their local buffet restaurant

Where's the Boss?  -  Nobody's in charge in this slapstick sitcom

Full Mouse  -  Mickey can't eat another bite of cheese

Hill Street Blues Clues  -  "Who's that at the door of the precinct? Why, it's Lt. Buntz with his latest drug bust!"

L. A. Flaw  -  The San Andreas fault finally casts Los Angeles into the Pacific

Growing Stains  -  Black mold slowly overtakes a family's house

Miami Slice  -  Crockett and Tubbs open a pizza parlor; Crockett is forced to wear socks

Saved by Taco Bell  -  A homeless man secretly lives in the restroom of a California Taco Bell restaurant...which never gets cleaned

Sign Fell  -  The show about nothing...except poor billboard construction

Friday, February 9, 2018

Dogs Will Eat ANYthing

I need to just stop paying attention to what dogs will gladly put in their mouths.

It's bad enough that the canines currently remodeling our house in Early Hairball have decided they need to expand the neighborhood's recycling efforts by ingesting the poopcicles they themselves have deposited in the winter wonderland of our backyard. They also have somehow created a market for critter innards that has resulted in some of the strangest things I've ever seen being on the shelves of PetCo.

While it's true we recently purchased a selection of pig ears for the chewing enjoyment of our dynamic doggies, what we passed up was truly

You know the phrase "Don't put that in your mouth; you don't know where it's been", right? Well, I'm pretty sure I know exACTly where that cow hoof has been, and that is all the greater reason to not want it within 12 yards of my mouth. But dogs? Oh, bring it!

And then there's the "Hackberry Log Smoked Turkey Tendon":

     1.  I've never heard of a hackberry log before, but it doesn't fill me with confidence.
     2.  How many years of culinary training goes in to being able to so carefully prepare such a delicacy?

Nothing like a good ol' knuckle bone to gnaw on, I always say, but that sounds fairly normal compared to the "Dehydrated Beef Trachea". I pity the poor cow walking around who has to hold a hoof over the hole in their throat in order to moo.

Friday, February 2, 2018


Time to cheekily modify some more television classics...

George of the Jungle Gym  -  A dim-witted guy in a loincloth spends FAR too much time at the playground

The Bod Couple  -  Conjoined twins learn to cope when one has insomnia and the other is narcoleptic

The Braidy Bunch  -  Many children; one hairstyle

Ball in the Family  -  The first non-scripted reality show; documents the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Spaulding

Charlie's Angles  -  A sitcom based on the humorous happenings in Charlie Weaver's Geometry class

Hoppy Daze  -  Laverne & Shirley get a little loopy from doing too much product testing at the brewery

Kansas Five-O  -  Detective Steve McGarrett is hot on the trail of a young girl who killed two sisters over the disputed ownership of a pair of ruby slippers

M*A*S*H  -  Hawkeye Pierce is the focus of the fun at the 4077th Maracas And Saxophone Hootenanny

The Muppet Shower  -  London is inundated with ping pong balls and pieces of felt

Welcome Back, Carter  -  An exasperated Marine sergeant goes back to school for anger management classes