Friday, March 15, 2019

Not That I'm Needy or Anything, But...


Dusty Springfield.

What kind of name is that?

Brings to mind a deadly bout of allergies.

But I digress. The reason her name has come up at all is because of her 1966, number-4-on-the-charts hit, "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me". It's 491 on Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, and it had a bit of a journey getting there.

This symphonic pop song started out its life as an Italian ditty titled "Io Che No Vivo Senza Te" (literal translation, "I will not live without you"). It was written by Giuseppe Donaggio and Vito Pallavicini, who probably were not members of the Mafia, no matter what you might be thinking.

British pop diva, Sneeze Inducer  -  er  -  Dusty Springfield, heard the song and asked TV producer Vicki Wickham (say that over and over until you giggle) to write some English lyrics for it. The manager of the Yardbirds, Simon Napier-Bell, helped out and "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" was born.



And a more pathetic, pleading, clinging, Fatal Attraction soundtrack has never been written:


When I said, I needed you
You said you would always stay
It wasn't me who changed, but you
And now you've gone away

Don't you see that now you've gone
And I'm left here on my own
That I have to follow you
And beg you to come home

You don't have to say you love me
Just be close at hand
You don't have to stay forever
I will understand
Believe me, believe me
I can't help but love you
But believe me, I'll never tie you down

Sounds EXACTLY like you want to tie me down and keep me wrangled. Run away, Vito! Run away!



Friday, March 8, 2019

Not That I'm Complaining, But...


You know how when people say "To make a long story short" it doesn't really result in making their story any shorter? Yeah, well, this is kinda like that.


Not that I'm complaining, but...

...when the weather forecast changes every four hours, it doesn't make any sense to worry or whine about what the weather app on your phone says is going to happen a week from now.

...convenience store employees that don't know how to smile or use complete sentences ought not to be convenience store employees.

...trying to use a coupon that expired 18 months ago and getting upset when it doesn't work should be grounds for a slap upside the head.

...people really need to start doing the zipper merge, and that includes when a lane ends just beyond a traffic light. And in the same vein...

...picking up your baggage at the airport would be a lot less stressful for everyone if all the wise, thoughtful people would just stand the farnsworth back a couple feet instead of crowding up to the carousel like a bunch of pigs at a trough. Everyone could see down the whole carousel and be prepared for their piece of luggage, instead of having a 10-inch window of opportunity to recognize your bag, elbow past the Yorkshire crowding the carousel, grab your luggage, and be dragged through the next four Herefords while trying to unwedge your Samsonite from under some sow's set of skis.

Just sayin'.

Friday, March 1, 2019

Almost Definitions I


From The Almost the Truth Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean:

Abandoned (v)  -  Allowed a formerly forbidden activity
Abominable (n)  -  An explosive device that can't explode
Adapts (n)  -  Smartphone software that creates merchandising messages
Baccalaureate (n)  -  A sack of leftovers from Laurie's meal
Balladeer (v)  -  Form a sphere with a buck or doe
Cablevision (n)  -  Electronically-charged particle in a taxi driver's blue jeans
Dangly (adv)  -  In a not-quite-damning manner
Declassifiable (clause)  -  A possible answer when asking a student with a sprained ankle where they are going
Earthly (v)  -  Lithening to thomething thecretly
Eavesdropped (clause)  -  What happened when the edge of the roof collapsed
Eclipse (v)  -  What a male barber does when a customer sits in is chair.






Friday, February 22, 2019

This Song You Keep Singing...I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means


Just because you really like a song and it makes you feel a certain way doesn't mean the song means what you think it means.

Know what I mean?


Case in point, "Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne. According to Rolling Stone, it's the 492nd greatest song of all time.

I would personally put it higher on the list (which would give it a lower number, if I'm not confusing you). I mean, I even wrote about this particular song in my inspirational blog, Truth Is.... (Honest! I really did. Click here to read it.)

Lyrics like "Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive / Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive" really make it seem like the song is an important coming-of-age artistic expression.

And then I go and read Rolling Stone's write-up:
The track was actually written when Browne was driving back and forth to the studio each day to make The Pretender. "I was always driving around with no gas in the car," he said. "I just never bothered to fill up the tank because -- how far was it anyway? Just a few blocks."

Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.

Friday, February 15, 2019

Musical Gas Pumps


Some people will do practically anything to make their work situation more fun.

I am some people.

At the FastStop convenience store/gas station/cigarette emporium I work at part-time, when authorizing the pumping of fuel without the use of a payment card at said pump, my co-workers are satisfied with a quick, bland, and boring "Go ahead, Pump 4," or "Pump 5, you're cleared for inside payment."

To which I say, "Zzzzzz...."

When the mic is in my control, all heaven breaks loose.


They
Asked me how I knew
You were on Pump 2
Ohhhhhhh
I of course replied
When you come inside
To pay me what is due

(Toni Basil's "Hey Mickey")
Hey Pump 9
You're so fine
See you in the checkout line
Pump 9!
Oooooh Pump 9!

("Cheek to Cheek" and in a French accent)
Seven
You're on Pump 7
Please come inside to pay when you are done
To drive away would not be too much fun
The rest of your life would be spent on the run

And we'll have
Fun on Pump 1
If you come inside to pay

Hello Pump 12 well it's time for fuel
Doo doo-n-doo doo
You chose FastStop which proves that you're no fool
Doo doo-n-doo
I'd hate to chase you down
Just for some dough
So come inside
To pay
Before you go

Ohhhhhhh
The weather at Pump 3 is frightful
But you chose FastStop, that's delightful
I've got one more thing to say
Don't forget
To come in-
Side to pay

Friday, February 8, 2019

Observed Absurdities™ 43 - Not Sure What This Is Saying


I know it's probably hard to believe, but sometimes even I get confused.

I was in a local restaurant's restroom...minding my own business...when I was confronted at the towel dispenser with this symbol.



I think it's probably meant to tell me to wave my hand in front of the towel dispenser in order to get the towel dispenser to dispense towels, but there are other possibilities:

  • Hi, there!
  • Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't understand.
  • High five!
  • The hand is being pulled back in a slingshot and is about to be released.
  • For audio instructions, place palm here.
  • Greetings, Earthling. I come in peace.


Friday, February 1, 2019

And Then He Assaulted Me


In July of 1963, the #MeToo movement wasn't even a shadow of a consideration of a possibility of a thought.

Not that sexual harassment and assault wasn't happening in 1963. It was happening, but according to the 493rd greatest song of all time, "Then He Kissed Me," it was "a consummation devoutly to be wished."

I know, I know...that Shakespearean quote is 1) out of context, and 2) too literal to be used in this age of political correctness and sensitivity.

But check it out. This whole song is the story of a girl being absolutely giddy about being approached by a good-looking stranger and then overcome by the romance of the dancing and the stars.



Observe verse one:


Well, he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance
He looked kinda nice and so I said I might take a chance
When we danced he held me tight
And when he walked me home that night
All the stars were shining bright
And then he kissed me

Verse two is an example of the dangers of combining Stockholm Syndrome, a lack of creativity ("didn't know just what to do"), and verbal catchphrases:


Each time I saw him I couldn't wait to see him again.
I wanted to let him know that he was more than a friend.
I didn't know just what to do
So I whispered I love you
And he said that he loved me too
And then he kissed me

According to the song's bridge, this fella had skills, though:


He kissed me in a way
that I've never been kissed before
He kissed me in a way
that I wanna be kissed forevermore

Then the third verse ends the tale with an example of the sad, sad truth that men will pretend love in order to get sex, and women will give sex in order to get love:


I knew that he was mine so I gave him all the love that I had
And one day he took me home to meet his mom and his dad
Then he asked me to be his bride
And always be right by his side
I felt so happy I almost cried
And then he kissed me

But hey, it's got a good beat and it's easy to dance to. [Holds fingers in ears and chants "La la la! I can't hear you!"]