Friday, December 15, 2017

Observed Absurdities™ 34 - Frasier Crane PG-13


In terms of geological epochs, it was not so very long ago that a good deal of my time on Netflix was spent watching episodes of the 1993-2004 Kelsey Grammer-starring sitcom, Frasier.

My jaw nearly hit the floor when, somewhere mid Season 5, I finally noticed a picture hanging on Dr. Crane's fridge.



Was there any kind of hubbub about this at the time?

Friday, December 8, 2017

Suffering at Subway


[Too lazy to read this? Watch ME read it below, or by clicking HERE.]


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I was on assignment to get a salad from Subway for Beloved. I was uncharacteristically confident, as I had successfully completed identical assignments in the past.

I know the saying is "Curiosity killed the cat," but I'm thinking maybe it should be "Confidence."

The first bump in the road was walking into Subway and finding there were five people in line already. It is at times like that when you realize Subway should NOT be listed as "fast food".

Seriously.

What with people who have NO IDEA what kind of sandwich they want...even though they've been standing in line for a half hour...and Sandwich Artists who need to hear things three times before their brain sends any messages to their hands, five people in line in front of you translates to roughly 90 minutes before you're given a chance to repeat your order three times to the pimply-faced sloth that Corporate has entrusted a knife to.



Since I had some extra time, I started perusing the menu board and noticed something I had never seen before...


"Make any 6" sub a salad: $1.75 additional"

And I'm thinking to myself, "What the farnsworth? The only difference between a six-inch sub and a Subway salad is the absence of a bun and the presence of an extra handful of lettuce. If anything, a salad should cost LESS...unless, of course, a handful of lettuce costs twice what six inches of bread does."

I whined about this on Facebook...no wait...I offered this up as a discussion topic on Facebook and one of my so-called friends suggested the upcharge was because of the extra labor involved in creating a salad. And it's true, the Sandwich Artist/Sloth (SAS) does take the time to manually chop the meat and cheese before tossing the lettuce and other pre-chopped veggies into a bowl. But does the SAS get paid more for doing it? Does Subway Corporate actually incur more expenses because of it? 

I. Think. Not.

No. We all know the real reason for charging more is BECAUSE THEY CAN. The Powers That Be have conditioned the yearning masses to think that eating healthily will naturally cost more. It goes along with the whole warped and evil idea that we must suffer in order to deserve something good.


SUFFER
SOMETHING GOOD
Pay More
Better Health
Behave Properly
Heaven
Five Months of Minnesota Winter
Two weeks of perfectly warm days and cool evenings in September

Oh...and if we're still talking about eating healthily, let's not forget that most of it tastes like a dusty cardboard box somebody found in their grandmother's attic.

Under a damp blanket from when the roof leaked.

Or was that a squirrel that leaked?


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Friday, December 1, 2017

Name a Song That...Vol. IV


The 4th and final installment. A peek into my subconscious. Remember to drop bread crumbs so you can find your way back.




A song by a band you wish were still together

A song by an artist no longer living

A song that breaks your heart

A song by an artist with a voice that you love (Beloved!)

A song that reminds you of yourself

Friday, November 24, 2017

Black Friday Blues


This may come as a shock
But back at Plymouth Rock
The Pilgrims never strolled through shopping malls
Instead of a season of giving
They scratched out a meager living
And spent their evenings cleaning oxen stalls
In praise of them paying their dues
To bargain shop, I refuse
I'll just sing the bleak, Black Friday Blues

Instead of brotherly love
Today, folks scream and shove
Because they want that "Buy One, Get One Free"
They camp all night at the store
To grab what they're lusting for
And to claim their Right to everything they can see
Yeah, they argue and kick and bruise
But not me; no, I'd rather choose
To sing the low-down, nasty, bleak Black Friday Blues

I know some folks long for the thrill
To stalk and pounce and kill
But not me; this guy will never know why
People don't stay home and chill

All the way from Key West to Nome
Folks gather at home, sweet home
Thankful for their food, family, and friends
And then, with blinding speed
Motivated by covetous greed
The sales begin and all thought of thankfulness ends
Well, by now you know my views
So this shouldn't be breaking news
I'll just sing the bleak, Black Friday Blues

I'll sing the low-down...
Nitty gritty, stuck in the city
Used to be funny, but now it's not pretty
The low-down
Nasty
Bleak Black Friday Blues





Friday, November 17, 2017

Name a Song That...Vol. III


Still working my way down a list of prompts and remembering my disc jockey days with fondness.




A song that played at your wedding

A song you would sing a duet with on karaoke

A song from the year you were born

A song that makes you think about life

A favorite song with a person's name in the title (Note: Changed this to "Debbie" and sang it to Beloved in our wedding)

Friday, November 10, 2017

My Favorite Mission Trip Story


When leading a group of teenagers on a trip to a country that's well-known for its fertility gods, there are certain preparatory instructions one must relate:

  • Talking about cross-cultural sensitivity
  • Reminding the teens that respect for another country's culture doesn't necessarily mean we agree with it or think it's right
  • Begging them not to giggle and point and make a scene


As prepared as we could be, we four adults and however many teenagers flew to Montego Bay, Jamaica, schlepped our luggage through customs, piled into a small transit bus/van/tin can, and drove several hours through the Dry Harbour Mountains to Kingston.

The mood was light. We were filled with anticipation for what God had in store for us. Many animated conversations were overlapping throughout the vehicle.

While slowly making our way on the narrow, winding, mountain "road", we passed by a trailside stand that, instead of selling papaya nectar and coconuts carved to look like monkey-heads, was selling several versions of the local male fertility god, all with very prominent ...um...organs of gender.

To give our teens the credit due them, nobody went crazy or laughed or screamed. In fact, quite the opposite happened. They stopped their conversations and did their best to be mature and discreet.

The thing is...one of the adult leaders, who is short and blond and looks so much like Beloved that she is called BelovedBookend, wasn't looking out the window at the time. She was engrossed in her conversation with her seatmate, and just as the rest of the van fell silent, she loudly effused, "Cool!"

THAT'S when the vehicle windows were blown out by the force of our laughter.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Name a Song That...Vol. II


Spinnin' all the platters that matter from my mighty stacks of wax. Time to get down with the big sound. These are the grooves that move, baybay!




A song to drive to

A song that makes you happy

A song that makes you sad

A song you never get tired of

One of your favorite 80's songs