Friday, December 2, 2016



Out on the WorldWideWackfest!

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's the exact opposite of an earlier post about removing a letter to create a new movie!

  • The Godfarther  -  An organized crime boss wins an idol-tossing competition.
  • The Empire Strikes Black  -  A massive power outage on Tatooine
  • Raiders of the Lost Park  -  Indiana Jones searches for a playground in Atlantis.
  • Slaving Private Ryan  -  Human trafficking during World War II
  • The Green Smile  -  Documentary about extreme dental cases
  • Black to the Future  -  Eddie Murphy experiences time travel.
  • Dine Hard  -  A New York cop can't get a reservation in an L.A. restaurant.
  • 12 Hangry Men  -  A judge refuses to feed a jury until they come up with a verdict.
  • The Good, the Bard, and the Ugly  -  A mysterious man, a petty thief, and William Shakespeare set off to find a pot of gold.
  • This Is Spinal Tape  -  Instructional video on new surgical closure technologies
  • Walk the Liner  -  The biography of a boy who delivers makeup
  • Some Like It Shot  -  Not everyone prefers large glasses of alcohol.
  • Jawas  -  The secret life of droid scavengers
  • Troy Story  -  An animated retelling of the Trojan Horse
  • Rebar Window  -  A man confined to a wheelchair watches life from his prison cell.
  • Singing in the Train  -  A big musical set in the subway
  • Jurassic Spark  -  The creation of fire
  • The Princess Bridge  -  The royal dentist saves a smile.
  • Gone with the Wined  -  A group of drunken friends gets lost.
  • Stare Trek  -  Exploring the universe without blinking
  • Return of Them Jedi  -  The Force awakens in Kentucky.

Friday, November 25, 2016

From the Mouths of Babes

Grandsons have a way of keeping one's ego in check.

And one's sense of reality finely tuned.

Almost recently, our oldest child, AngelFace, was having a discussion with her youngest son, MisterSquishy, about her new haircut. They were commenting on how it was shorter and how it curved around her face.

This led to a general discussion about how everybody has hair.

AngelFace:  Does Daddy have hair?

MisterSquishy:  Yes!

AngelFace:  Do you have hair?

MisterSquishy:  Yes!

AngelFace:  Does Grampa Dewey have hair?

MisterSquishy:  [Scrunching up his face and tilting his head sideways]  Not that much.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Isn't It Odd That...?

...women want you to pick the restaurant to go to, as long as it's not the first three you mention? four-way stops, people act like they want you to go first until you actually start moving? can taste so good in my mouth but look so nasty on my shirt?

...those nights when you're really, really tired are the same nights you can't get to sleep...and have to be up early the next morning?

...the phrases "right on" and "left off" have nothing to do with each other?

...there is no discernible difference between Strawberry Twizzlers and Cherry Twizzlers?

...there is no discernible difference between Twizzlers and rubber tubing?

Friday, November 11, 2016

Almost Post-Election Analysis

Here we are...the Friday after the election.

The ballots are tallied. The celebrants and the mourners have all gone home.

Almost half the nation is thinking "How in the farnsworth could that have happened?!? If only there had been a better turnout. Man...I never imagined it was going to come to this."

The spin doctors are whirling feverishly.

The protesters are protesting.

The pundits are...uh...pundificating.

And Canada is thinking of building a wall.

Did I mention that I actually wrote this on October 27?

Friday, November 4, 2016

Scarier Romance, The Sequel

While doing research for last week's post (you can revisit Scary Romance by clicking here), I found some romantic movie titles that didn't have to be changed at all in order to sound like they could actually be a horror or suspense flick. Another example of how your attitude, or what your expectations are, can influence your perceptions.

This is kinda funny...and scary.

  • The Seven Year Itch
  • Baby Boom
  • Mannequin
  • Overboard
  • The Cutting Edge
  • While You Were Sleeping
  • Two Weeks Notice
  • Along Came Polly
  • Monster-in-Law
  • What Happens in Vegas
  • Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
  • The Proposal
  • Exit Strategy
  • Playing for Keeps
  • Bad Sister
  • Waiting to Exhale
  • 50 First Dates (Now THAT would freak me out.)

Friday, October 28, 2016

Scary Romance

With Halloween coming up in just a few days, it seems that every movie theater and cable channel in the world is showing movies full of horror and suspense. So much so, the supply is rapidly running short.

In an effort to keep the screams coming, I've been commissioned to remake some popular romantic comedies into scary movies. Here's my list of projects:

  • Lifeless in Seattle
  • Bridget Jones's Diary of Death
  • Moulin Gouge!
  • There's Something About Manson
  • My Best Friend's Wedding Massacre
  • How to Kill a Guy in 10 Days
  • Under the Tuscan Soil
  • 13 Going on 30: Serial Killer on the Loose
  • Nick and Norah's Infinite Hitlist
  • The Wedding Slayer
  • Pretty Dead Woman
  • You've Got a Mail Bomb
  • When Harry Stabbed Sally
  • My Big Fat Zombie Wedding

Friday, October 21, 2016

STAR WARS a la DocumentCzar

I recently constructed a dummy document to use as a demonstration on how to do some stuph at DocumentCzar that doesn't really matter and you wouldn't really care about except that it resulted in the following totally-fake procedural instructions.

9.  Implement Phase

9.1  A New Hope
     9.1.1  Prepare the Droids for Transport

          1.  Insert plans for Death Star into R2D2.

          2.  Record poor-quality hologram message.
          3.  Get shot by the only storm trooper in the whole Evil Empire who can actually hit the broad side of a barn.

     9.1.2  Droid Capture and Blog Download

          1.  Get transported to Uncle Owen’s Moisture Farm.
                a.  Leave a crashed escape pod, with spare parts from your self-repair kit, in plain view for storm troopers to find.
                b.  Wander through sand dunes; forgetting that, according to prequels, you can fly.
                c.  Find a band of fly-infested scavengers and let them electrocute you.
                d.  Shut down and enjoy the ride.
          2.  Download funny blogs from the WorldWideWackfest:
                a.  Determine which article is desired.
                Note: There may be a long pause before understanding particular jokes.
                b.  Right-click on the webpage, click Save as in the pop-up menu, and blah, blah, blah.
                Note: (Download will take some time to complete.)
          3.  Once the download is complete:
                a.  Hear your Uncle Owen call for you.
                b.  Trot out across a barren landscape while your heroic theme plays in the background.
                c.  Whine some nonsense about power converters.

9.2  The Empire Strikes Back
     9.2.1  Justifying Mark Hamill’s Damaged Face

Because Mark Hamill was in a serious car crash between the filming of A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, his face was roughed up a bit.

          1.  Invent an ice-cave monster.
          2.  Indicate Luke’s growing compatibility with The Force by having him telekinetically retrieve his lightsaber just in time to free his feet, but not soon enough to spare his face from a good slashing.

     9.2.2  Do More Stuff But Stop in the Middle of the Story So You End Up with a Trilogy

          1.  I love you.
          2.  I know.

9.3  Return of the Jedi

Ewoks are not applicable.