Friday, September 15, 2017

Pictures Inappropriate For History Books!


Look over your shoulder before you look at these historic pics! Let there be no doubt about it...you'll never see any of these pictures published publicly except for right here and right now.


The guy in the lower right with the white hair is my great-grandfather, the coopersmith who came to the U.S. from Germany. Rumor has it that the twinkle in his eye is because he just let one rip.

Sexual harassment by SweetCheeks!

KayJay, ActorBoy, and AngelFace: Obviously members of a bee-worshiping cult

First Grade held no excitement for me.

SkittleKid's mind is blown by the thought that the cute little kid in the previous picture could have become the brute he's riding on.

Too. Much. Hair.

So. Little. Hair. (Except for that guy in the middle...sheesh.)

Proving once again that it IS possible to have too much of a good thing.


Friday, September 8, 2017

#I'mSoOutOfIt


...I think Game of Thrones has something to do with multiple toilets

...when I hear muffin top, my mouth waters and I look for some butter

...by the time I get to the store with a coupon for grapes, I have to use it on raisins

...I'm doing bird imitations when I tweet

...when someone mentions Taylor Swift, I think, "Good. I need my suit altered pronto."



...I'm pretty sure a cell phone is what people in jail use to call their lawyers

...I think sick actually means something or someone is not well

...the answering machine for my dial phone uses a cassette tape

Friday, September 1, 2017

The ABCs of What to Write When You Don't Know What to Write


There you sit, having committed to posting SOMEthing every Friday morning. But what do you do when you've just...got...nothing?



You've got to Accept the Beautiful Challenge of Doing Everything you've promised to do. Failure is not an option.

Good Healthy Humor Is Infinitely Justified.

Keep Learning, Moron.

Never Oppose Personal Quality.

Religiously Seek To Undermine Very Wimpy Xylophonists. Yes! Zealously!

Friday, August 25, 2017

Thoughtless Poem


'Tis a dangerous thing
When I sit to write
Not having a thing to say
No story to tell
No gripe to air
No insight to brighten your day

No picture to show
No comic to steal
No tale from my long-buried past
No print ad to tweak
No headline to skewer
Nothing to leave you aghast

'Tis risky, I say
To just let words flow
Unfiltered, straight out of my brain
That's surely the time
The world will find out
I'm kinda  -  a little  -  insane


Friday, August 18, 2017

E.R. Visit Almost Killed Me


Going to a hospital's emergency room is supposed to help a person, right?

I mean...really...the whole "first, do no harm" opening phrase of the Hippocratic Oath applies in the E.R., doesn't it?

I have to ask, because I took Beloved to our local emergency room last month and I almost didn't walk out alive.


The catalyst for the visit was Beloved's right eye that had declared war on her. Could have been an abrasion from trying to get a foreign object out (those durn foreigners!). Could have been a viral infection like what causes cold sores. For all anybody knows, it could have been a Communist plot to influence the next election.

Whatever the cause, I was there solely for moral and transportational support. I shouldn't have been in any danger.

Shouldn't have been...however...

I almost had an aneurysm as my brain tried to sort itself out from a series of loops and spins because of a single statement made by the resident eye doctor: "I usually mispronounce things wrong."



Friday, August 11, 2017

Observed Absurdities™ 31 - Toilet Tissue Issue


I've a COUPLE problems with this note that was taped to the back of the rest room stall I recently visited...


1)   I don't know about you, but I generally tend to flush things OUT of a toilet. When it comes to things going INTO a toilet, I might toss, drop, deposit, or plunk...but I definitely don't flush.

2)   Only toilet paper , eh? Well see...um...what the farnsworth am I supposed to do with the reason I visited the toilet to begin with?!!??


Friday, August 4, 2017

You've Almost Got a Friend


With apologies to Carole King (and James Taylor)...

♫♪♪♫ 
When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothin'...oh nothin' is goin' right
Quitcher belly achin'
No one really cares
To hear you
Whining all through the night

When you call out my name
My stomach turns into a knot
I get nauseous
When you're in a spot 
Summer, fall, winter, and spring
You always want the same old thing:
"Gimme more! Gimme more! Gimme more!"
But I will not



If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
That's nothin' that nobody else has seen
The world isn't ending
And it's not ganging up on you
So grow up
Stop bein' a drama queen

When you call out my name
My stomach turns into a knot
I get nauseous
When you're in a spot 
Summer, fall, winter, and spring
You always want the same old thing:
"Gimme more! Gimme more! Gimme more!"

Hey, you need to know the meal train has stopped
Start using your own two feet
If I'm lyin'
I'm dyin'
I've cut you off, just forget it
If not, you'll regret it

If you call out my name
One more time, I'll give you a shot
You'll be needing
A burial plot
Summer, fall, winter, and spring
You always want the same old thing:
"Gimme more! Gimme more! Gimme more!"
But I will not

No, I will not
Let's just get this straight
I simply will not


*  *  *  *  *  *  *

You want to watch a performance of this?






Or just listen to it?



P.S.
ANYONE IN MINNESOTA...
Next week is the Dakota County Fair. Plan now to come enjoy the DAKOTA CHAUTAUQUA. I hope to see you there! https://www.facebook.com/DakotaChautauqua/