Friday, March 24, 2017

Stupid Stories™: Alligator Shoes

When I was in my twenties (back when the Earth's crust was still cooling), I lived in Florida and worked at a shoe store, and I'll never forget one particular customer.

She was fairly good looking, which is an excellent memory aid all by itself, but the real reason she sticks in my head is because of how strongly she reacted when I told her how much the alligator shoes she was wanting would cost.

"HOW much?!!?" she screamed.

I repeated my clear, distinct reading of the price tag.

"That's ridiculous! Can't you give me some kind of discount? Isn't there a 'buy one shoe, get the second one free' thing going on?"

As calmly as possible, I replied, "I'm sorry, but no. That's the price I have to charge for those shoes."

She loudly announced that she would get her OWN pair of alligator shoes, spun around, and left in a huff. (It was a late model Huff; had a dark cherry red finish with a spoiler on the rear.)

My route home ran along a levee, and as I was enjoying the view to my right, I noticed the cranky customer, standing knee-deep in swamp water, holding a shotgun.

"Good NIGHT!" I thought, "She's really trying to get alligator shoes do-it-yourself style!"

Well, I just HAD to see this, so I pulled over to the side of the road, got out, leaned against my car's fender, and watched.

It wasn't long before I noticed a large alligator slowly swimming toward her from behind. I was about to warn her when she spun around, snapped the gun to her shoulder, and blasted the amphibian right between its eyes.

She waded over to the dead gator and pulled it to shore, where she huffed and puffed and grunted and strained to get it out of the water. Then she dragged it over to where, I just noticed, there were three or four other alligators, all belly-up in the grass.

She got down on her knees and shoved the beast onto its back, took one look at it, raised her face to the sky and screamed, "You've gotta be kidding me! THIS one is barefoot, too!"

Friday, March 17, 2017

Observed Absurdities™ 28 - He's Got a Point There

Now that I've noticed how Stephen Colbert has kind of a Spock thing going on with his right ear, I can't not see it. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

This Is Keeping Me Awake

I may be opening a can of large, unwieldy worms here...

I do not want this space to become politicized or militarized or pasteurized, but I've got an honest question about an extremely controversial, sensitive, potentially-explosive issue.

I am not joking.

What with all the gender-fluid, "I don't agree with my birth certificate", love-is-love-no-matter-what, stop-being-a-neanderthal stuph going around, I am absolutely and honestly confused about something.

What if someone identifies as the gender opposite to what his/her genitals would indicate AND is homosexual?

Friday, March 3, 2017

Pardon My Tweet

One never knows what one will see tweeted by @deweyroth, does one?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Actually drove in to the office today...not 2B confused with driving into the office.

My #Subway sandwich artist didn't know what the B in BLT stands for. #justsaying

#newchristmascarols He sees U when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake/He ought 2B arrested/Just like my Uncle Jake

Trying to care about my #twitterfeed ... still trying ... Nope! Can't do it

The only thing missing is U, #StarTribune proofreader. Ack!

“@UberFacts: There are cryovolcanos which spew molten ice like volcanos do molten rock, on Pluto.” Isn't molten ice know...water?

#ForeverIsALongTime #Duh

#FullDisclosure The only thing that kept me awake in church 2day was the pain in my thighs from Saturday yard work.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Friday, February 17, 2017

Harry Potter and the Hard Day's Night

It was just another episode of #TuesdayTrivia at the Almost the TruthTM:Publishing Facebook page. The question: On November 9, 1967, who became the first artist to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine? (Initial hint: He WASN'T a member of The Rolling Stones)

The answer came quickly, from one Stephanie NotZimbalist. She wrote "John Lennon?"

In spite of her tentativeness, she was correct and was awarded a VirtualPrize ("No actual prizes are harmed in the playing of #TheMorningGames") of "a pair of round spectacles." (See what I did there? Lennon is well-known for wearing round eyeglasses, so that became the...yeah, you got it.)

It was then that things began to go catty-whumpus...

Inspired by her inhuman level of Pottermania, Stephanie responded to the announcement of her prize with the words "and a lightning bolt scar?" Which got me contemplating the Beatles/Harry Potter mash-up suggested by the above title, which eventually led to the question "What if the Beatles were contracted to create a 'Music Inspired by Harry Potter' album?", which led to the following song list, created by yours truly and the spousal team of Stephanie NotZimbalist and NotPaul Newman. (Stephanie and Matt Newman...SHOUT OUT!)

  • I Am the Horcrux
  • I Saw Hermione Standing There (But Then She Threw On a Cloak of Invisibility)
  • All You Need Is Amortentia
  • Mean Mr. Voldemort  -  "Such a mean old death-eater!"
  • Here Comes the Stun
  • Dumbledore on the Hill
  • Privet Drive  -  "Privet Drive, a wizard stirs another potion pot; a pretty witch is selling butter beer from a tray"
  • Quidditch Pitches Forever
  • I Want to Hold Your Wand
  • Eleanor Weasley
  • While My Hippogriff Gently Weeps

Friday, February 10, 2017

Acronyms Create Laughing Undertakers (ACLU)

One of the sandwich artists at my local Breadway Sandwich Shoppe recently gave me a chuckle when he had to ask what the "B" in BLT stood for.

But then I realized that I have been ordering the Italian BMT for years without knowing whether BMT stood for "Best Meat Today" or "Buy More Tacos".

At which point, as long-time readers might expect, my mind went on a free-association trip into the Twilight Zone...

  • FBI  -  Find Bullies Immediately
  • CIA  -  Can't Initiate Amore
  • YMCA  -  Your Mother Caresses Apes
  • SOB - Somewhat Obnoxious Brit
  • CPR - Canadian People Rock
  • PTA - Parents Terrorizing Academics
  • MRI - Men R Ignorant
  • ETA - Eternal Teenage Angst
  • FYI - Forget Youthful Inpetuousness
  • ATM - Access The Money
  • ETC - Expect Total Chaos
  • CBS - Cranky Bald Sissies
  • ABC - After Better Choices
  • NBC - Nice Big Checks
  • CNN - Cause Nobody's Nice
  • TLC - Talking Laughing Chewing
  • FML - Find More Licorice
  • LOL - Large Old Loser
  • HMO - Hundreds of Morticians Overjoyed
  • SMH - Sharting My Hanes