Friday, April 20, 2018

Not Feeling Like Myself Lately


You see, doctor, I've been thinking about my true identity for years now. People say, "Be yourself! Be yourself!" but who IS that? I mean...really.

"Well, the 'About Me' section of your blogger profile says that you're a former pizza-maker, McDonald's crewmember, disc jockey, actor, Tupperware dealer, box office manager, youth minister, substitute teacher, proofreader, and technical writer."

But that's really just a list of things I've DONE. That's not who I really AM.

"That's true."

So anyway, I decided to approach the fountain of all knowledge.

"God?"

No, Google.

"Same difference."

Whatever. So I did a search on my name, but then I REALLY got confused!


"How so?"

Well, according to the Social Security Administration, I'm not even ALIVE! And not only that, I was born in the 19th Century! So there's no NEED for me to wonder about who I am, because I'm not even here right now. Here! Look at this!


"You realize I'm still going to charge you for this session, right?"


Friday, April 13, 2018

SweetCheeks and the Funny Hunger


We had SweetCheeks for an impromptu overnighter not very long ago. As per usual, she woke up for her day of snuggling Marco SansPolo at about the same time I woke up for my day of pretending to accomplish things for DocumentCzar from my home office.

So, at 6:30 AM, we sat together at the dining room table; she with her SnapCracklePop and me with my TwoScoopsOfRaisinsInEveryBox.



Flash forward three-and-a-half hours. Beloved has now arisen for her day of changing the closet to spring and summer. She and SweetCheeks are in the kitchen together, and I hear SweetCheeks winsomely whine, "Gramma? I'm hungry."

BELOVED: Yeah, I guess you didn't eat very much for breakfast, did you?

SWEETCHEEKS: Can I have something to eat?

BELOVED: What would you like?

SWEETCHEEKS: Can I have lunch?

Maybe this falls into the category of "You Had To Be There", but my laughter rattled the toy teacups.

Friday, April 6, 2018

I Married a Winner


I've got to brag about my Beloved just a bit. Not only has she proven to be brave, daring, and unrelenting in her stick-to-it-iveness by remaining married to me for almost 4 decades now, but every once in a while she actually pulls off a witty statement that makes me laugh.



We needed to pick up some prescriptions and decided to use the drive-through pharmacy service at our local drugstore. We pulled around to the back of the building and there were two lanes: one marked "Drop-Offs" and the other "Full Service".

Without missing a beat, Beloved said, "Full service? Are they going to check the oil and wash our windshield?"

Yeah...I think I'll keep her.


Friday, March 30, 2018

Last Minute Ideas for April Fools Day


Let me confess something right up front and get it over with: I never think about April Fools Day until it's far too late to accomplish a prank with any epic qualities at all.

But if you're like that, too, then me being like that is, like, good news for you, because after years of being like that, I have accumulated, like, a list of not-entirely-horrible pranks that can almost be pulled off with, like, no prior setup...that you might almost like.

  • Do you have a sprayer at your kitchen sink? Put a rubber band around it, so the next person to use the sink gets a refreshing surprise.


  • Go to the closet and turn all your roommate's shirts inside out.
  • Tell everyone you've changed your name to BattalionLeader and don't respond to anyone unless they call you that.
  • Answer every question with "I don't know, but I'll check on it."
  • Cover the toothpaste tube with canola oil.
  • Best of all: Leave a note for your roommate/spouse/child wishing them a happy April Fools Day and assuring them that you have no intention to prank them. Then watch them spend the rest of the day worrying about when you're going to prank them.


Friday, March 23, 2018

Radio Hits of the 1960s...But Fatter


Chubby Checker wasn't the only one dealing with weight issues in the 1960s...



The Good Cholesterol, the Bad Cholesterol, and the Bulgy  -  A big hit for Huge Montenegro from the movie of the same name

Wedding Cake Blues  -  This is why the group needed a 5th dimension to spread out into

I Heard It Through the Helpline  -  "I bet you're wonderin' how I knew / they made the door bigger so you'd fit through"

Happy Together  -  The musical story of the mating of peanut butter and chocolate to create Reese's Cups

Ice Cream Believer  -  "...and a homecoming queeeeeeen."♫♪

Runaround Sue  -  If you're training for a marathon...because...she's like...really...big...yeah, you got that one...

Wendy's  -  "Who's serving up those juicy cheeseburgers, wrapped in some paper, dripping with grease? Who's reaching out to hand you some french fries? Everyone knows it's Wendy's."

Mashed Potato Time  -  No almosting here. This is an actual 1962 hit by Dee Dee Sharp!

Save the Last Doughnut for Me  -  "Don't forget who's takin' you home, and in his kitchen you're gonna be..."

Will You Still Feed Me Tomorrow  -  A hit for the Shirelles, but written by Carole "Kingsize" King

Old El Paso  -  "Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with s Mexican sauce."

Sugar Shack  -  Again, this joke is for real and recorded by Jimmy Gilmer & the Fireballs in 1963.

Return to Blender  -  When your smoothie isn't quite smooth enough

Sugar Sugar  -  Theme song for the Association of Dental Hygienists

Hey JuJus  -  "Hey, JuJus, don't let me down. Take a boring movie and make it better..."

To Sirloin With Love  -  This one is a lulu.

Are You Hungry Tonight?  -  Elvis invites a friend over for grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches

Friday, March 16, 2018

Observed Absurdities™ 36 - Mmm-Ch-Ch Church Musick


First, you need to know that my current LeadPastorPreacherGuy, DeeBee McWordNerd, has a son who used to play lead guitar in a Christian rock band that used to be wildly popular: Audio Adrenaline. #TrueTruth

Second, it's important for you to know that, since the demise of Audio Adrenaline, the aforementioned LeadGuitaristSon (LGS) has been busy doing studio work, touring, and making television appearances with several different musical artists, both faith-based and not-so-faith-based.

Third, sometimes, when LGS is home for a while in the Twin Cities, he gets hired to play in the worship band of a couple of the larger churches.

Now...I said all that so I can make this observation...

Sometimes the worship leaders of big churches think they're a little bigger than they really are.

And DeeBee McWordNerd has given me a couple examples involving LGS that not only prove my point, but make me chuckle.

Example 1:

During worship rehearsal, the church's video guy pulled LGS aside and asked if he could take off the jacket he was wearing: "The fabric really doesn't work well on camera."

I don't think LGS actually SAID anything, but he at least thought to himself, "That's funny, because it worked fine when I wore it on The Tonight Show the other day."



Example 2:

Worship Leader to LGS: I like what you're doing, but do you think you could play it a little more like what's on the record?

LGS to Worship Leader: This is exactly what I played on the record.


Friday, March 9, 2018

The Fattest Hits of the 1950s


It's only appropriate for a decade that gave us Fats Domino to also be the source of some of the fattest songs ever recorded.

Peggy Stew  -  "I love you, Peggy Stew; your beef broth is rare and true"

Whole Lot of Milkshakes Goin' On  -  Sung by Jerry "Sarah" Lee Lewis

All I Have to Do Is DreamWhip  -  "When I want you on my pie, when my apple crisp is kinda dry, whenever I want to, all I have to do is DreeeeeeamWhip"

Smoke Gets In Your Baby Back Ribs  -  "They...asked me how I knew...how to barbecue..."

The Great Pretenderizer  -  No joke, this is sung by The Platters

Eat Up, Little Susie  -  The Everly Brothers channel a Jewish mother

Blueberry Pie Hill  -  "I found my thrill..."

The Batter of New Orleans  -  Jimmy Horton sings about Long John Silver's secret recipe

Love Me Tender  -  "Love me tender, love me rare, love me grilled or fried"

Sixteen Tons  -  "I weigh sixteen tons, and brother, you bet; a trip to the grocer just leaves me in debt"

(Let Me Be Your) Gummi Bear  -  A big hit for Elvis Pretzley

Mack the Butter Knife  -  "Oh the shark fin soup...isn't sweet, dear...but the dinner roll...is soft and hot"

Rock Around the Buffet  -  "When the clock strikes one, we'll walk right in, and fill our plates again and again"