Friday, February 23, 2018


One more round of television almosting...

Steers  -  You wanna work on a ranch where everybody knows your name

Different Stokes  -  Things get crazy in the boiler room when two brothers can't agree on the best way to shovel coal.

The Fax of Life  -  Original concept for what later became The Office

The Golden Corral Girls  -  Miami senior citizens discuss life and love while working part-time at their local buffet restaurant

Where's the Boss?  -  Nobody's in charge in this slapstick sitcom

Full Mouse  -  Mickey can't eat another bite of cheese

Hill Street Blues Clues  -  "Who's that at the door of the precinct? Why, it's Lt. Buntz with his latest drug bust!"

L. A. Flaw  -  The San Andreas fault finally casts Los Angeles into the Pacific

Growing Stains  -  Black mold slowly overtakes a family's house

Miami Slice  -  Crockett and Tubbs open a pizza parlor; Crockett is forced to wear socks

Saved by Taco Bell  -  A homeless man secretly lives in the restroom of a California Taco Bell restaurant...which never gets cleaned

Sign Fell  -  The show about nothing...except poor billboard construction

Friday, February 9, 2018

Dogs Will Eat ANYthing

I need to just stop paying attention to what dogs will gladly put in their mouths.

It's bad enough that the canines currently remodeling our house in Early Hairball have decided they need to expand the neighborhood's recycling efforts by ingesting the poopcicles they themselves have deposited in the winter wonderland of our backyard. They also have somehow created a market for critter innards that has resulted in some of the strangest things I've ever seen being on the shelves of PetCo.

While it's true we recently purchased a selection of pig ears for the chewing enjoyment of our dynamic doggies, what we passed up was truly

You know the phrase "Don't put that in your mouth; you don't know where it's been", right? Well, I'm pretty sure I know exACTly where that cow hoof has been, and that is all the greater reason to not want it within 12 yards of my mouth. But dogs? Oh, bring it!

And then there's the "Hackberry Log Smoked Turkey Tendon":

     1.  I've never heard of a hackberry log before, but it doesn't fill me with confidence.
     2.  How many years of culinary training goes in to being able to so carefully prepare such a delicacy?

Nothing like a good ol' knuckle bone to gnaw on, I always say, but that sounds fairly normal compared to the "Dehydrated Beef Trachea". I pity the poor cow walking around who has to hold a hoof over the hole in their throat in order to moo.

Friday, February 2, 2018


Time to cheekily modify some more television classics...

George of the Jungle Gym  -  A dim-witted guy in a loincloth spends FAR too much time at the playground

The Bod Couple  -  Conjoined twins learn to cope when one has insomnia and the other is narcoleptic

The Braidy Bunch  -  Many children; one hairstyle

Ball in the Family  -  The first non-scripted reality show; documents the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Spaulding

Charlie's Angles  -  A sitcom based on the humorous happenings in Charlie Weaver's Geometry class

Hoppy Daze  -  Laverne & Shirley get a little loopy from doing too much product testing at the brewery

Kansas Five-O  -  Detective Steve McGarrett is hot on the trail of a young girl who killed two sisters over the disputed ownership of a pair of ruby slippers

M*A*S*H  -  Hawkeye Pierce is the focus of the fun at the 4077th Maracas And Saxophone Hootenanny

The Muppet Shower  -  London is inundated with ping pong balls and pieces of felt

Welcome Back, Carter  -  An exasperated Marine sergeant goes back to school for anger management classes

Friday, January 26, 2018

You Couldn't Miss With A Clue Like This

Beloved and I were playing Password with some dear friends and it was the boys vs the girls.

You remember Password, don't you? One player from both two-member teams is shown a word, then they take turns trying to get their team member to guess the word by giving one-word clues. (It's kind of like in high school when you try to deduce whether a particular girl will answer "yes" if you ever get up the courage to ask her out.)'s not hardly like that at all.

It was my option whether to try to get my partner (who we'll call Rick, because that's his name) to guess the word on the first clue or to pass that first-clue opportunity to Beloved and her partner.

The word was mallet.

Now, the first word I thought of when I saw mallet was in, "The television is acting wacky. Time to administer some percussive maintenance with a rubber mallet." The problem with that is, if I had decided to go first and just said rubber, Rick could not be reasonably expected to come up with mallet instead of ducky.

So, I passed the first-clue duty to Beloved, in hopes that she would say something like hammer or club, and her partner would say something like club or hammer, and I could wield the death blow on my turn by saying rubber.

Beloved thought for a moment, her face in a painful-looking grimace. Then she swallowed hard, squared her shoulders, looked her partner in the eyes, leaned slightly forward and calmly intoned, "Mallet."

It had been a while since any of us had laughed that hard.

Friday, January 19, 2018

Stuph U May Not Kno Bout Me

One of those List-O-Questions has been making the rounds on FaceBook recently. I've decided I should almost answer them.

1. Favorite smell? Beloved
2. Last time I cried? During our Christmas celebrations, there was a controversy around whether Grandma Bertha's cinnamon rolls should be put away...
          ActorBoy: Wait! Don't put those away! I haven't had any!
          KayJay: Oh! You didn't have one?
          ActorBoy: Well, I had ONE.
I have no explanation, but when that rapid-fire exchange took place, it cracked me up. Then, a few minutes later, when telling someone who hadn't been in the room why I was laughing, it sent me into a raging fit of giggles that put my back into spasms and my eyes into fire-hose mode.
3. Favorite pizza? Papa Murphy's AllTheMeats
4. Favorite flower? Seriously? about this:

5. Favorite animal? Lions. Pretty cool how the female makes the kill and then the male gorges himself.
6. Did you go to college? If yes, what did you study? Yes. Studied Theater and Communications, and then earned my degree in English Bible.
7. Untie your shoes when taking off? Mostly
8. Roller coaster? Absolutely! Just keep me away from spinning thingies. 
9. Favorite ice cream? Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream

10. Shorts or jeans? Jean shorts, but not too short. You know, where the denim is dark and the legs cover my powerful thighs.
11. What are you listening to? The sound of my keyboard spewing forth humor
12. Favorite TV show? Dick Van Dyke and/or M*A*S*H
13.Tattoos? I only know one.

14. Hair Color? Flesh-tone
15. Eye Color? Green
16. Height? Almost six feet
17. Favorite food to eat? Skyline Chili
18. Favorite holiday? Billie
19. Beer or Wine? No, thank you.
20. Night owl or morning? I generally think of myself as more of an 11 AM to 1 PM type of guy. I am on FIRE at lunchtime!
21. Favorite day of the week? Sunday. (church + good dinner + nap + popcorn = perfection)
22. Do you have a nickname? Dewey IS my nickname, though some people do call me Mr. Awesomeness.
23. Favorite season? Baseball
24. Favorite place to get away? Movie theater
25. Missing someone? Yes, but my aim is getting better.
26. Dream vacation? Hawaii
27. Regrets? I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention.
28. Middle name? Danger
29. Ocean or lake? Billy or Veronica
30. Words of advice? Wherever you go in there.

Friday, January 12, 2018


Last week's post got me to thinking about television shows of days long gone by...

Stir Trek  -  To boldly go where no spoon has ever gone before

Gilligan's Aisle  -  The merry mix-ups of a clumsy grocery store stock boy

The Cartridge Family  -  A single mom teaches her many children how to shoot, change the printer's ink, and listen to 8-track tapes

I Lose Lovey  -  Every week, Thurston Howell III misplaces his wacky wife

Twilight Cone  -  A local Dairy Queen that only opens in the early evening

Ice Cream of Jeannie  -  Spin-off of Twilight Cone; blond girl from the Middle East takes orders amazingly fast

Adam-13  -  A veteran cop and his rookie trainee are very unlucky

The Heavenly Hillbillies  -  Jed Clampett whittles at the Pearly Gates

Father Knows Chest  -  What it's like growing up with a dad who publishes pin-up posters

Leaf It to Beaver  -  Jerry Mathers stars as a cute kid with big dreams of running his own lawn care company

Sister Ed  -  A transgender nun reneges on her vow of silence