Friday, January 11, 2019

Desmond Tutu: Almost the 494th Greatest Song of All Time

"Desperado" was the first song that Don Henley and Glenn Frey collaborated on. Henley had started it five years earlier, but Frey took the rough beginning and gave it structure and, judging by these original lyrics recently unearthed, also contributed a degree of sanity.

Desmond Tutu, why don't you get colored lenses?
You been out wearing fezzes for so long now
Oh, you're a dark one
I know that you got genetics
But your robes, so pathetic
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you diss the queen of England, boy
She'll beat you, 'cause she's able
You know the Mississippi Queen is way more fun
Now it seems to me, you'll never steal
A role from old Clark Gable
In fact, I'm sure your acting gigs are done

Desmond Tutu, each day you're just getting older
Your good looks that smoldered, have been driven away
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just a word with seven letters
Your prison is better than a Motel 6 stay

Don't your feet grow mold in the summertime?
The wind won't blow and the rain don't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny when you blow your nose away?

Desmond Tutu, why don't you learn to speak German?
Come down from your Sherman, get out of your tank
It may be rainin', but you could do with a shower
You better use Dial's power (use Dial's power)
You better use Dial's power to get rid of your stank

Friday, January 4, 2019

Santa Priest

I know we're not in The Most Wonderful Time of the Year anymore, but I couldn't wait until December to tell this story.

This past December, I had my first experience of playing Santa. It was at a smallish real estate firm that was having a Christmas open house for their employees and clients. They offered free pictures with Santa (yours truly) and ornament making and coloring and cocoa and a snowblower giveaway and I had an absolutely fantabulous time.

Semi-interesting side note: The word "fantabulous" first appeared in print during the year of my birth. And by the way, I don't put a lot of stock in coincidence.

Different children have different reactions to seeing Santa up close and personal.

Some are in awe.

Some are in tears.

Some are shy.

Some are smitten.

And some consider it an almost religious experience, apparently. Case in point, the little gal pictured above planting a big one on my cheek. She came running up to me, gave me that kiss, settled into my lap, and got her official picture taken.

I then asked her if she had a special Christmas wish. She pulled her head down into her shoulders, leaned in close to me and practically whispered, "Sometimes, at school...(looking up into my eyes)...I pick my boogies."

I think she thought she was at her first confessional or something. And she wasn't done.

"And sometimes, even eat them!"

I told her to recite two Jingle Bells and leave me an extra plate of cookies.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Extra treat: my favorite picture of the morning...

Friday, December 28, 2018

Headlines to Hope For in 2019

What kind of happiness would be unleashed upon an unsuspecting world if we saw these headlines next year?

Calvin and Hobbes Makes Glorious Return to the Comics Page

Twitter Cancels President Trump's Account

CNN is Replaced by Animal Fails Channel

Movie Popcorn Prices Reduced to Only Cover the Actual Cost

Fred Basset Retires #FredBassetMustDie

Moratorium Declared on All 2020 Campaign Coverage Until, You Know, 2020

Walt Disney Thaws Out and Stops Production of All "Live Action" Remakes

Friday, December 21, 2018

Make a Non-Christmas Disney Movie Festive

The Hallmark Channel was so pleased with last week's Christmasization of non-Christmas movies, now the Disney Channel has asked for my help as well...

  • Snow White and the Seven Elves  -  The woodsman is replaced by an Inuit, who abandons Snow White somewhere near the North Pole.
  • Dumbo the Red-Trunked Reinephant
  • Cinderclaus
  • Alice in Bethlehem
  • 20,000 Grinches Under the Sea
  • Mrs. Claus and the Tramp  -  This one might actually be rated PG-13 and released through Touchstone Pictures.
  • The Sword in the Stocking

  • Merry Poppins
  • Honey, I Shrink-Wrapped the Kids
  • Beauty and the Figgy Pudding
  • The Lion King Wenceslas
  • The Fruitcake of Notre Dame
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Magi
  • Regifting Nemo

Friday, December 14, 2018

Make a Non-Christmas Movie Festive

I've been called upon to retool some popular movies to help fill up the gap in the Hallmark Channel's practically year-round schedule of Christmas movies...

  • Stars Wars: Episode I  -  The Fruitcake Menace
  • Star Wars: Episode II  -  Attack of the Amazon Drones
  • Star Wars: Episode III  -  Rudolph of the Sith
  • Star Wars: Episode IV  -  A New Ho-Ho-Hope
  • Star Wars: Episode V  -  The Elves Strike Back
  • Star Wars: Episode VI  -  Return of the Unwanted Gift
  • Star Wars: Episode VII  -  The Grandpa Awakens
  • Star Wars: Episode VIII  -  The Last Eggnog
  • While You Were Sleeping with Visions of Sugarplums Dancing in Your Head
  • Back to the Ghost of Christmas Future

  • Harry Potter and Santa's Stone
  • Harry Potter and the Chamber of Mistletoe
  • Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the North Pole
  • Harry Potter and the Yule Log on Fire
  • Harry Potter and the Order of the Magi
  • Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Pudding
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Off-Key Caroler
  • Raiders of the Lost Ornament
  • Indiana Jones and the Temple of PaRumPumPumPum
  • Indiana Jones and the Red Kettle Crusade
  • Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Creche

Friday, December 7, 2018

Click Bait: A Poem

I must admit
I'd like to quit
And stop this dogged, drudging, desperate deadline
I have to seek
Each stinking week
A happy, harmless, halfway-humorous headline

Some clever quip
More smart than flip
To make the masses move their mouse and click-click
An opening phrase
To clear the haze
Seducing several scrollers like a chick flick

It's getting harder
From an empty larder
To promptly pull out people-pleasing pun-puns
Especially when
Stuck in your den
Your mind has melted to a mass of month-old Funyuns

Trudge on, I do
Because of you
My faithful friends, all fortified by laughter
Along with hugs
Grins outlast drugs
Wide smiles are what I want; the wish I'm after

Friday, November 30, 2018

Observed Absurdities™ 41 - This Is NOT My Fault

Let me be perfectly clear.

I have nothing to do with what ads Google chooses to show you when you read this blog. While I suppose a particular blog's content may have a modicum of influence on what shows up at the bottom of each article, I suspect a larger percentage of the blame goes to whatever cookies or browsing history Google AdSense detects in your Worldwide Wackfest-browsing implement of choice.

I suspect this because as I was recently proofreading a future post, Google engaged all its wisdom, deduced that I'm in the middle of a search for full-time employment, and presented me the following ad:

What disturbs me about this is not the Big-Brotherosity of it all. I have made peace with the fact that there is hardly such a thing as a private life anymore. No, the thing about this ad that makes me think, "What the farnsworth?" is that there's apparently a disorder out there...

...a disorder that enough people suffer from that they need to be officially registered...

...a disorder that involves eating nurses.