Friday, May 18, 2018

What IS It with Good-Looking Women?!?

In my part-time pursuit of economic solvency at my local FastStop convenience store/gas station/cigarette emporium, I've noticed something both curious and disturbing.

Well, maybe I should back up a little and get a running start at this.

First, you should know that  -  in a certain way of thinking  -  I tend to temporarily fall in love with each of my customers. I mean, I am absolutely focused on them and their needs. My sole reason for existence in those few moments between "How can I help you?" and "See you next time!" is to do whatever is best for that person.

And that's an awful lot like love.

Second  -  and this may be more of a confession than an informational statement  -  some members of the female segment of human society make it easier to fall into that temporary state of love/infatuation than others.

There, I said it. There are certain combinations of bone structure, poise, coloring, hairstyle, confidence, and positive attitude that end up being more attractive than others.

But here's something I've discovered, and it confounds me.

Almost without fail, when someone walks up to my register who elicits the internal response of "this right here is an attractive woman", she will want to purchase some cigarettes. And THAT, my gentle readers, is definitely a turn-off for me. To think of a beautiful set of teeth clenching a rolled-up wad of burning tobacco sets my gag reflex dial to eleven.

Maybe it's God's not-so-subtle way of keeping me on the straight and narrow. (Thank you, Beloved, for having stopped smoking LONG before we met.)

Friday, May 11, 2018

Observed Absurdities™ 36 - The Long Arm of the NO FARNSWORTH WAY, MAN

As Johnny Cash once sang, "I been everywhere, man, I been everywhere."

And of course, I haven't. But if I had, I'm pretty sure I still would never have seen anyone anatomically-equipped to be able to use this rest room effectively.

Maybe this is why women always take someone with them when they "go."

Friday, May 4, 2018

May the Fourth Be With You

Well it's one day a year
And you may think it's queer
But lots of things have happened on the fourth
A single day in May
But I'll gladly shout "Hooray!"
'Cause now I've got a blog post, of courth!

1415 - Religious reformers John Wycliffe and Jan Hus are condemned as heretics at the Council of Constance

1783 - Herschel reports seeing a red glow near lunar crater Aristarchus [Jim Beam reports seeing a red glowing nose in the middle of Herschel's face]

1814 - Bourbon reign restored in France [Not to be confused with a bourbon rain. Not sure what Jim Beam would think about that.]

1869 - Cincinnati Red Stockings play their first official game as the sport's first professional side against the Great Western Base Ball Club winning 45-9

1904 - United States begins construction on the Panama Canal

1904 - Umm Kulthum, Egyptian singer, born [I have no idea who this is. I just like imagining the scene in the hospital: "It's a boy! Congratulations! What's his name?" Ummm...]

1932 - Al Capone enters Atlanta Penitentiary convicted of income tax evasion

1944 - Gaslight, starring an 18-year-old Angela Lansbury in her film debut, is released [And was she ever a saucy young thing. You really should see it!]

1957 - Alan Freed hosts "Rock n' Roll Show" 1st prime-time network rock show

1959 - First Grammy Awards: Perry Como & Ella Fitzgerald win

1962 - Tracy Vaccaro, playmate (October, 1983), born in Glendale, California [Now hold on a minute. While I'm grateful to for being the source of all these important historical events, is this really a birthday of worldwide importance?]

1975 - Moe Howard [Moses Horowitz], American actor and comedian (The 3 Stooges), dies at 77 [Later that month, during my high school graduation, as a tribute, we all poked each other in the eye.]

1977 - Lispers everywhere are given a pun for the ages

1979 - Margaret Thatcher becomes the first woman to be elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

1984 - Dave Kingman's fly ball never comes down: stuck in Metrodome ceiling

2008 - Seth MacFarlane reaches an agreement worth $100 million with Fox to keep Family Guy and American Dad on television until 2012, making MacFarlane the world's highest paid television writer [A day that will live in infamy]

Friday, April 27, 2018

My Barista Knows Bupkes About History

Caribou Coffee owes me ten cents.

I don't know about the overpriced, oh-so-precious coffee emporium you frequent, but here in the Bold North, Caribou Coffee locations post a daily trivia question that, if you answer correctly, gets you ten cents off your overpriced, oh-so-precious coffee. The question they were asking the last time I went in for my Hot Apple Blast ended up raising my hackles:

"How many U.S. presidents signed the Declaration of Independence?"

If you're like me, well, first off, you should enlist a team of prayer warriors to lift you up before The Throne. But secondly, if you're like me, your first thought at reading that question is "Zero. There were no U.S. presidents in existence to be able to sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776."

The thing is, zero was not one of the choices for this multiple choice question.

When I explained this deficiency in the question to my barista, she first expressed confusion and then assured me the answer was two: Thomas Jefferson and John Adams.

When I informed her that they were not U.S. presidents at the time of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, she said, "Well, the question doesn't say they had to actually be president when they signed it."

I gave up, forced a laugh, picked up my drink, walked to my car, shook my head, and thought, "With that logic, they could have asked 'How many dead people signed the Declaration of Independence?' and the answer would be 'All of them'."

It's a good thing I'm not a stickler for things like this.

Really...I'm not.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Not Feeling Like Myself Lately

You see, doctor, I've been thinking about my true identity for years now. People say, "Be yourself! Be yourself!" but who IS that? I mean...really.

"Well, the 'About Me' section of your blogger profile says that you're a former pizza-maker, McDonald's crewmember, disc jockey, actor, Tupperware dealer, box office manager, youth minister, substitute teacher, proofreader, and technical writer."

But that's really just a list of things I've DONE. That's not who I really AM.

"That's true."

So anyway, I decided to approach the fountain of all knowledge.


No, Google.

"Same difference."

Whatever. So I did a search on my name, but then I REALLY got confused!

"How so?"

Well, according to the Social Security Administration, I'm not even ALIVE! And not only that, I was born in the 19th Century! So there's no NEED for me to wonder about who I am, because I'm not even here right now. Here! Look at this!

"You realize I'm still going to charge you for this session, right?"

Friday, April 13, 2018

SweetCheeks and the Funny Hunger

We had SweetCheeks for an impromptu overnighter not very long ago. As per usual, she woke up for her day of snuggling Marco SansPolo at about the same time I woke up for my day of pretending to accomplish things for DocumentCzar from my home office.

So, at 6:30 AM, we sat together at the dining room table; she with her SnapCracklePop and me with my TwoScoopsOfRaisinsInEveryBox.

Flash forward three-and-a-half hours. Beloved has now arisen for her day of changing the closet to spring and summer. She and SweetCheeks are in the kitchen together, and I hear SweetCheeks winsomely whine, "Gramma? I'm hungry."

BELOVED: Yeah, I guess you didn't eat very much for breakfast, did you?

SWEETCHEEKS: Can I have something to eat?

BELOVED: What would you like?

SWEETCHEEKS: Can I have lunch?

Maybe this falls into the category of "You Had To Be There", but my laughter rattled the toy teacups.

Friday, April 6, 2018

I Married a Winner

I've got to brag about my Beloved just a bit. Not only has she proven to be brave, daring, and unrelenting in her stick-to-it-iveness by remaining married to me for almost 4 decades now, but every once in a while she actually pulls off a witty statement that makes me laugh.

We needed to pick up some prescriptions and decided to use the drive-through pharmacy service at our local drugstore. We pulled around to the back of the building and there were two lanes: one marked "Drop-Offs" and the other "Full Service".

Without missing a beat, Beloved said, "Full service? Are they going to check the oil and wash our windshield?"

Yeah...I think I'll keep her.