Friday, June 22, 2018

The 500th Greatest Song of All Time


On December 9, 2004, Rolling Stone magazine published its list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time".

Wow.

Were they receiving too many complimentary letters to the editor? Because...you know...a subjective list like this was bound to bring out everyone else's opinions to the contrary. Or maybe they were just desperate to come up with some content to fill the seven pages between all the ad copy they publish.



Why do I bring this up now? Well, two reasons:

1.  I just happened to discover the existence of this list while I was looking up something else. (I didn't know about it at the time, not being a subscriber to Rolling Stone.)

2.  I'm desperate to come up with some content.

I feel a little sorry for Number 500 on the list: "More Than a Feeling", by Boston. Sure, you're one of the greatest songs of all time, but you're at the very bottom of the list. If there were only 100 songs on the list, that would be fine, but they stretched this thing out to five hundred farnsworthing songs and you just BARELY got included!

Fun Fact: "More Than a Feeling" is actually a science fiction short story. Consider the first verse...

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone [Immediately sets this up in a post-apocalyptic landscape]
Turned on some music to start my day [Apparently, the writer's synthetic weather app responds to audio input.]
I lost myself in a familiar song [Accidental uploading of his digital essence]
I closed my eyes and I slipped away [Visual interface shut down, resulting in a random dispersion]

No wonder Marianne walked away. The guy's a geek.


Friday, June 15, 2018

#DrPepperPlotlines


What if The Powers That Be in Hollyweird were, like me, obsessed with Dr Pepper?

Dr Pepper Superstar  -  ♫♪ Dr Pepper...Dr Pepper...It's really cool how you cured that leper...Dr Pepper...Superstar...I am amazed how you raised the bar ♪♫

Dr Pepper of Oz  -  "Just take three gulps and belch 'There's no place like home'!"


Dr Pepper Wars: A New Formula  -  The evil Mr Pibb empire tries to overtake the soft drink market. "Dr Pepper, you're our only hope."

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Dr Pepper  -  An inter-school competition turns into a fight for life as Harry almost loses access to the soda fountain.

March of the Dr Pepper  -  A documentary on the making of The Wine of Waco.

The Count of Monte Pepper  -  Revenge never tasted so sweet.

Dr Pepper of the Lost Ark  -  Indiana Jones is in for a surprise when he opens his latest find.

Dr Pepper Runner  -  It's a dystopian future, indeed, when rural folks in Tennesee have to illegally transport their favorite soft drink.

Cool Hand Dr Pepper  -  "What we have here is failure to carbonate."

When Harry Met Dr Pepper  -  "Yes! Yes! Yes!"


Friday, June 8, 2018

What My Phone Thinks I Want to Say


It's called "predictive text" and when you let your phone do the typing, it's amazing / interesting / surprising / embarassing / confounding what gets written:


  • My first attempt to get my first job in a week and I got my own little league of cards.
  • Why would you want to make this happen to us if you don't think we are going to be able to make a good thing?
  • How often is this place in my head and the way to the church is the only way to go?
  • I'm sure you're not going through the rest of your weekend but I hope you're having a wonderful day.
  • If I had to come to the doctor this afternoon, would you like to come over and see what I have?
  • Maybe we should go get back with him or something.
  • Please pray for my recovery from your recovery.
  • Star Wars: I hope you're not feeling good about this
  • Nobody knows what to say about the new version of this one.
  • That's why I'm going through my Twitter with the same thing as a whole lot of the rest of the week.
  • When you're done with the rest of your weekend and you don't need a good day, try to get your stuff together.
  • My ex is a good guy but I'm going straight.



Friday, June 1, 2018

You'll Never Believe What I Heard About The Big Bang Theory!


You know those "Promoted Post"s that show up on your social media, promising to reveal stuph the producers of your favorite TV shows have tried to keep hidden? Yeah, those.

They are so disappointing.



Usually, the articles are not filled with shocking revelations at all. Usually, it's just a collection of trivia or the mentioning of inconsequential bloopers. Usually, I click on them in hopes that "this one will be different."

They never are.

A recent one focused on the sitcom, The Big Bang Theory, and included THIS shocking revelation.



Two things that hurt my feelings about this:

     1.  Of COURSE, the actor and the role he plays have differences. That's why it's called ACTING, you sad, strange, little twit.

     2.  How can someone be "different to" someone else? The word should be FROM, you sad, strange, little...person.


Friday, May 25, 2018

#MakeItBetterWithDrPepper


It has been well-documented in this space that I have a particular fondness for "The Wine of Waco," Dr Pepper (not a sponsor). Not only is it refreshingly refreshing when imbibed ice cold, but it also is deeply satisfying when sipped from a mug, steaming hot.



I've seen a few recipes that call for Dr Pepper to be added and it got me to thinking...

How might Dr Pepper improve things that are NOT eaten or drunk?


  • I started my scientific investigation by emptying a 2-liter bottle of my favorite soft drink into my car's gas tank. I cannot, with a straight face, recommend this as a fuel additive. However, for those few moments when the car was still able to produce exhaust, it smelled really good.
  • DP works well as a stain for wood floors. It also has the side benefit of tickling when you walk barefoot.
  • For personal protection, Dr Pepper will work in a pinch as a replacement for pepper spray. It doesn't really incapacitate the attacker, but it makes them feel disgusting enough that they rush home to take a shower.
  • Slathering on this nectar doesn't repel mosquitoes, but the caffeine jacks their tiny hearts into blow-out mode. The backyard becomes a miniature, biological fireworks spectacle.

Friday, May 18, 2018

What IS It with Good-Looking Women?!?


In my part-time pursuit of economic solvency at my local FastStop convenience store/gas station/cigarette emporium, I've noticed something both curious and disturbing.

Well, maybe I should back up a little and get a running start at this.

First, you should know that  -  in a certain way of thinking  -  I tend to temporarily fall in love with each of my customers. I mean, I am absolutely focused on them and their needs. My sole reason for existence in those few moments between "How can I help you?" and "See you next time!" is to do whatever is best for that person.

And that's an awful lot like love.

Second  -  and this may be more of a confession than an informational statement  -  some members of the female segment of human society make it easier to fall into that temporary state of love/infatuation than others.

There, I said it. There are certain combinations of bone structure, poise, coloring, hairstyle, confidence, and positive attitude that end up being more attractive than others.



But here's something I've discovered, and it confounds me.

Almost without fail, when someone walks up to my register who elicits the internal response of "this right here is an attractive woman", she will want to purchase some cigarettes. And THAT, my gentle readers, is definitely a turn-off for me. To think of a beautiful set of teeth clenching a rolled-up wad of burning tobacco sets my gag reflex dial to eleven.

Maybe it's God's not-so-subtle way of keeping me on the straight and narrow. (Thank you, Beloved, for having stopped smoking LONG before we met.)


Friday, May 11, 2018

Observed Absurdities™ 36 - The Long Arm of the NO FARNSWORTH WAY, MAN


As Johnny Cash once sang, "I been everywhere, man, I been everywhere."

And of course, I haven't. But if I had, I'm pretty sure I still would never have seen anyone anatomically-equipped to be able to use this rest room effectively.



Maybe this is why women always take someone with them when they "go."