What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the second 25... The Godfarter (1972) - An origin story on methane emissions. Forrest Lump (1994) - A mentally-challenged man gets breast cancer. Merry Pop-ins (1964) - Four separate storylines about happy, unplanned visits. Crease (1978) - An homage to those carefree days of being a tailor in the 1950s. Marvel's The Extenders (2012) - A group of superheroes finds a way to stretch a single idea into several full-length features. Black Panter (2018) - An homage to those stress-filled days of being an African-American tailor in the 1950s. Blunderball (1965) - A collection of James Bond bloopers: "Shaken, not slurred." The Dark Night (2008) - Ninety minutes of extremely underexposed film. The Jungle Hook (1967) - The highly-anticipated sequel to Peter Pan where Captain Hook and the crew move inland. Weeping Beauty (1959) - Prince Charming is unfaithful to Aurora. Avengers: Infinity and Beyond War (2018) - The crossover blockbuster where Marvel meets Pixar.
Post-rusters (1984) - The horror-comedy about former SNL stars trying to keep full-bladdered dogs away from metal posts. Shuck 2 (2004) - The ever-popular green ogre returns; this time, he learns how to prepare ears of corn for boiling. Butch Cassidy and the Undunce Kid (1969) - Professional tutoring in the Old West. Glove Story (1970) - An old-money Harvard man woos and weds a no-money, dying music student who never lets him see her hands. Spider-Han (2002) - Harrison Ford stars as a space cowboy who gets bitten by a radioactive arachnid. Independence May (1996) - How the U.S. might be different if the Declaration of Independence had been signed two months earlier. Comb Alone (1990) - The sad tale of a barber with no customers during the Christmas holiday. Storm Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Weathercaster (2017) - Luke Skywalker predicts his final rain of terror. P. N. O'cchio (1940) - An Irish puppet turns into a real boy.
Flee, oh Padre! (1963) - Elizabeth Taylor stars as a beautiful Egyptian priest running from snakes. Beverly Hills Mop (1984) - Eddie Murphy goes from swabbing the floors of Detroit bars to a high-class mansion-cleaning service in California. Inedibles 2 (2018) - The continuing story of superheroes that normal people just can't swallow. Coldfinger (1964) - James Bond battles a villain who kills his victims by freezing. Hairport (1970) - A wacky comedy set in the world's busiest beauty salon.
What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the first 25... Groan With the Wind (1939) - A talkative stand-up comic from the South isn't really all that funny. Vatican Wars: Episode IV - A New Pope (1977) - "The Force be with you." "And also with you." The Sound of Mucus (1965) - ♫ "My nose is aliiiiive, and it's pretty runny." ♪♫ E. H. The Extra-Hysterical (1982) - A large-headed, turtle-with-no-shell throws a big fit. TiePanic (1997) - A haberdasher stops at nothing to get his men's accessory samples off a sinking ship. The Ten Condiments (1956) - A tasty movie about mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, chutney, Nutella, olive oil, salsa, soy sauce, horseradish, and jalapenos. Jews (1975) - Unusually large Holocaust survivors wreak havoc in a New England beach resort town: "You're gonna need a bigger yarmulke." Doctor Chicago (1965) - The exciting prequel to Doctor Detroit. The Extra Cyst (1973) - A young Linda Blair is tortured by a closed, bladderlike sac: "Mother! Make it pop!" Betty White and the Seven Dorks (1937) - Iconic American actress is befriended by a group of social misfits.
Star Bars: Episode VII - The Martini is Shaken (2015) - Sean Connery's favorite watering hole knows exactly how he likes his cocktails. 101 PalMartians (1961) - A pair of very friendly aliens have 99 offspring. Ball Wars: Episode V - The Umpire Hikes Back (1980) - After a spirited interchange at home plate, a baseball official takes a long walk to the dressing room. Ben-Her (1959) - A slave in ancient Israel becomes the world's first transsexual. Avatart (2009) - A genetically-engineered Na'vi body operated by the brain of a remotely-located human is quite the saucy wench. Star Warts: Episode VI - Return of the Papomavirus (1983) - Luke Skywalker discovers a strange bump on his bionic hand. Jurassic Prank (1993) - A rogue T-Rex pulls a practical joke on its unsuspecting victims. Star Bore: Episode I - The Circadian Menace (1999) - Unending talk about midichlorians and politics puts everyone to sleep. Pretenders: Endgame (2019) - Large group of big-name actors becomes too expensive to continue popular film franchise. The Lying King (1994) - A politician will say whatever it takes to retain power.
The Sling (1973) - Newman & Redford star as a couple of conmen pretending to have been injured in a minor accident. Raters of the Lost Ark (1981) - Siskel and Ebert give Noah's boat two thumbs up. The Gradually (1967) - It takes a while, but Dustin Hoffman eventually realizes Mrs. Robinson is on the prowl.
Fan Asia (1940) - Temperature regulation goes old-school from China to Vietnam, all set to classical music. Jurassic Whirled (2015) - Dinosaurs take over a theme park and get sick riding the octopus.
I'm told by those who should know that The Drifters didn't just drift into recording the 1964 Number 4 hit, "Under the Boardwalk" (#487 of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time). It was, no doubt, a slow and purposeful walk into the studio that day. Why? Allow me to quote Rolling Stone:
Released in June 1964 and replayed on beach-town jukeboxes every summer since, "Under the Boardwalk" evokes the carefree sounds of the shore. But its recording was no day at the beach. Johnny Moore was drafted to sing lead because the track's original singer, Rudy Lewis, died of a heroin overdose in his hotel room the night before the session.
Oh, when the sun beats down and the cops chase you from the roof You've gotta hide your stash so the Man won't find him any proof Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah Under a blanket on the sand is where it'll be (Under the boardwalk) Clean out of sight (Under the boardwalk) Gotta bury it right (Under the boardwalk) Coppers searching above (Under the boardwalk) When push comes to shove Under the boardwalk, boardwalk Go ahead. YOU try to make people grin about a heroin overdose.
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale A tale of a fateful trip That started at the start, of course, When Bill said, "Let 'er rip!" The engines roared; the tires squealed The air was filled with smoke The cars lurched forward but soon found The whole thing was a joke "A Race Across the Country!" Said the posters and the pins But it stopped just as it started And Bill said, "No one wins!" The angry crowd arose as one Demanding satisfaction To save his life, Bill soon became A daring man of action He ran, he jumped, he stole a car He soon was out of sight And no one ever heard from him Not then, nor any night One would hope a tale like this Would end with some grand point But hey, it's made up on the spot In hopes you'd fill this joint And yes, you've come, you've read, you've groaned And, no doubt, now repent Of ever having opened this And all the time you've spent
Who could ever have predicted it would have come to this? "Not I," said the little pig. "Not I," said the brown dog. "Not I," said the blogger, wondering if anyone else remembers Captain Kangaroo reading The Little Red Hen.
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It's actually, factually true...this is the 600th piece of nonsense posted under the title Almost the Truth. Having begun on Christmas Eve of 2007, that means I've averaged 1.008403361344538 posts per week for almost 11.5 years. (And yes, I'm pretty sure that 99.44% of you did not bother to actually read that statistic. I know I wouldn't have.)
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Just in case you're wondering, as of this week, the most-read post in all that time has been "Pictures Inappropriate for History Books." (I think we all know what that implies about the casual World Wide Wackfest surfer.) The subject I've written about the most is Pop Culture, with 221 posts bearing that tag. But holy shamoley, that's a pretty wide-reaching, generic "subject", am I right? Of far more personal importance to me are the 13 posts declaring that Fred Basset must die. Seriously...why the farnsworth hasn't that hashtag taken over the world?
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Many thanks to the few, the proud, the masochists who have come along on this journey. I hope you've been given some moments of mirth along the way. That really is what it's all for. If laughter is the best medicine, Almost the Truth is dedicated to healing the world...one grin at a time. Thanks for Liking, Following, and Sharing the joy.
I had to do a little research on the backstory on the 488th greatest song of all time (according to Rolling Stone), "Rhiannon (Will You Ever Win)". Not that I wasn't familiar with the song, but I had never heard the legend that Stevie Nicks based it on. The brain trust at Wikipedia says:
Rhiannon is a major figure in the Mabinogi, the medieval Welsh story collection. She appears mainly in the First Branch of the Mabinogi, and again in the Third Branch. She is a strong minded Otherworld woman, who chooses Pwyll, prince of Dyfed, as her consort, in preference to another man to whom she has already been betrothed.
Sure that's pretty confusing and weird, but have you ever looked at the song lyric?!!? Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night and Wouldn't you love to love her? (No, I would love to have her stop calling me all night long. I'm trying to get some sleep!) Takes to the sky like a bird in flight and Who will be her lover? (Apparently, it needs to be somebody else who can fly.) All your life you've never seen A woman taken by the wind (True that...except for Dorothy Gale from Kansas.) Would you stay if she promised you heaven? (Stay? Stay where? Rhiannon is off flying around and I'm expected to just hang around where I'm at?) Will you ever win? (Doubt it.) She is like a cat in the dark and then She is the darkness (Look! She's a bird! She's a cat! She's darkness! Kinda hard to nail down this free-spirited Otherworld woman.) She rules her life like a fine skylark (Aaaaaand now she's a passenger car by Buick. Enough already!)
It was dark and a little windy. I was slightly disoriented. It seemed like I was in a familiar place, but everything was just a little off. I was looking around, my anxiety level rising, trying to plant my eyes on something familiar and comforting, but failing miserably. A small bunny - or was it a squirrel? - creeped out from under some shrubbery and looked at me. My first reaction was "oh, cute!" but then its body tensed, claws extending from its front paws, and its eyes turned a flaming red just before it lunged at me.
Well...what would you do in a moment like that? Would you instinctively kick at the demon rodent in an attempt to spare yourself some kind of rabid attack? I know I did. And that's when I woke up. And that's also how Beloved got the bruise on her ankle. And that's also why I spent half the night last night in the guest bedroom.
