Observed Absurdities™ 34 - Sneaky Bacon

I was sent on a grocery run by Beloved and was a bit befuddled when I tried to decide which bag of bacon bits to buy.

I can understand the brand wanting to charge the same price for 0.2 fewer ounces of product...but to have them both on the shelf at the same time??? 

Marketing Manager: You know...our customers aren't very bright. They probably won't even notice.

Somehow, it reminds me of Professor Marvel crying out, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"

Name a Song That...Vol. I

Three things have led to this particular post:

     1.  I ran into a list of prompts calling for songs that meet different criteria.
     2.  I was a little short on ideas for what to post this week.
     3.  I used to be a disc jockey (the radio kind, not the dance club variety) and this seemed like a way to relive the glory days of working at a little, independent, local radio station in Decatur, Indiana, and being able to pick out whatever I wanted to play and actually putting a record on a turntable and placing a needle in the groove with a satisfying ka-chunk...instead of the flavorless life lived by today's cookie-cutter promo-readers who push a computerized button to spew out whatever dreck the Corporate Suits have engineered to force down the public's collective gullet.

Did I say that out loud?

A song with a color in the title

https://youtu.be/_qqvdOwoN-Y

A song with a number in the title

https://youtu.be/HNjEPHvDxZQ

A song that reminds you of summertime

https://youtu.be/KcrbDYe4qL4

A song that needs to be played LOUD

https://youtu.be/Zc_JcGuH5Z8

A song that makes you want to dance (FAIR WARNING: Rated PG)

https://youtu.be/M1F0lBnsnkE

#ProsperityHymns

How would some of our well-known hymns be different if they were written by proponents of what is commonly referred to as the prosperity gospel? ("Name it and claim it." "Jesus wants you to be wealthy." "Riches are a sign of God's favor.")

Here's my take on that theme.

A Mighty Fortune
A mighty fortune giv'n by God; a bankroll never eh-eh-ending.

Be Thou My Nest Egg
Be Thou my nest egg, Lord, increase my worth. Bless my retirement like none else on Earth.

Tis So Sweet To Collect From Jesus
'Tis so sweet to collect from Jesus; just to get all that I want.

Just As I Name It
Just as I name it, I shall receive. All I need do is just believe.

I've Got a Mansion Just Under My Tax Shelter
I've got a mansion just under my tax shelter, in a gated community where I am secure.

The Gold Burnished Cross
I will cling to the gold, burnished cross and admire myself in its gloss.


I Come To The Cashier Alone
I come to the cashier alone, while my gift card's balance is soaring
And the things I buy reach up to the sky
And put a strain on the flo-o-ring

And...
he...
rings me up
And he bags my stuff
And he tells me how much to pay
And he smiles so hard as he swipes my card...

And tells me...
To have a...
Great day

Hallelu-WHAT THE FARNSWORTH?!!?

Leonard Cohen wrote it, Shrek made it popular, and everybody and their cousins' cousins have done their own versions of it.

People tend to sing it like a worship song. I mean..."hallelujah" literally means "praise the lord", right? (Right.) But holy guacamole, have you listened to the words?!!?

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
Well, according to Scripture, David played for King Saul to calm him down when he was in a manic phase, but I have a little problem with capitalizing "Lord" when it's not referring to...you know...THE Lord.

But you don't really care for music, do you?
Not sure who the "you" is, but if this statement is true, they probably aren't listening to the song anyway.

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah
Oh, so now David is no longer the shepherd boy soothing Saul, but the singer-songwriter-ruler?

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
This is what makes everyone think this is a hymn.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
So King David was thinking, "I'm pretty sure the neighbor gal is smokin' hot, but I need some confirmation"?

She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Pretty sure we're talking about Samson and Delilah now, though Sam didn't have a throne, and this makes it sound like he kinda enjoyed the bondage thing...should this really be in a "worship" song??? 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Gee...sure SOUNDS like a hymn.

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
If this IS a song of praise, then "you" would be God and this is an acknowledgement of our fallen state before coming to Him. Maybe Cohen is finally getting on track.

I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
For God so loved the world that He left us cold and unable to praise Him properly. Wait...that doesn't sound quite right.

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on with the next verse already.

There was a time you let me know what's real and going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you?
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dove was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah
To explain this verse in non-poetic terms would move this blog into the "adult" category. Not gonna do it. (And can you imagine your church's choir singing this?)

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
I can no longer take this seriously.

Maybe there's a God above
Maybe?

and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
There goes the whole "turn the other cheek" thing.

And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Way to end on a positive note, there, Leonard! Praise the Lord!

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Observed Absurdities™ 33 - Disaster Steps

I don't know who designed this carpet or who decided to use it for these stairs, but I want to apologize to anyone who is vulnerable to seizures.

And I'm thinking there ought to be a big, fluffy pillow at the bottom, with a MedAlert button to push.

#RuinTheBeatlesByOneLetter

Drop it, add it, or change it...do SOMEthing with one letter to ruin a Beatles song.

Across Thy Universe
Wait! This doesn't ruin it; just changes it into a hymn.

A Day Is The Life
The sad tale of a baby that only lived 24 hours

Lackbird
Just doesn't quite have everything it needs

Can't Buoy Me Love
I've got a sinking feeling about this relationship.

Chins
"Chins...my baby's got a whole lotta chins"

Day Stripper
Not as many tips before dark

Do You Want To Know A Secrete
I need a sanitary wipe, please.

Faxing A Hole
A celebration of office pranks

Cello Goodbye
No more orchestral music!

Hey Nude
Talking to the artist's model is rude.

I'm A Laser
"...and I'm shooting from a spaceman's gun."

Lovely Brita
My water is so pure now!

Magical Mystery Sour
You never know what flavor you'll get.

Norwegian Hood
Jah! Yust be given me yer doh, dair.

Nowhere Mane
Bald lions are so sad looking.

Penny Line

Please Lease Me
...for 50 bucks an hour.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Bland
Ho hum.

She Loved You
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bile
This song gives me heartburn.

The Long and Winding Toad
Hop to your own joke, if you really needit-needit.

Twist and Shoot
Not to be confused with "Pivot and Pull the Trigger"

We Can't Work It Out
Give up all hope.

With a Little Kelp From My Friends
"I'm fixing a salad that no one will like..."

Pictures Inappropriate For History Books!

Look over your shoulder before you look at these historic pics! Let there be no doubt about it...you'll never see any of these pictures published publicly except for right here and right now.

The guy in the lower right with the white hair is my great-grandfather, the coopersmith who came to the U.S. from Germany. Rumor has it that the twinkle in his eye is because he just let one rip.

Sexual harassment by SweetCheeks!

KayJay, ActorBoy, and AngelFace: Obviously members of a bee-worshiping cult

First Grade held no excitement for me.

SkittleKid's mind is blown by the thought that the cute little kid in the previous picture could have become the brute he's riding on.

Too. Much. Hair.

So. Little. Hair. (Except for that guy in the middle...sheesh.)

Proving once again that it IS possible to have too much of a good thing.