...And Now You Know

Thanks to the factoid gurus at Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, we all can go to bed tonight a little older and wiser...well...at least a little more informed.

• About 47 percent of New York City residents older than age five speak a language other than English at home.
• Giant Asian Squirrels are three feet long and can leap up to 20 feet.

• Not every Pez flavor has been successful. A couple failures: eucalyptus and chlorophyll. [Hmmm...go figger.]
• Mosquitoes are twice as attracted to pregnant women. [Apparently, pregnant men are safe.]
• In the U.S. alone, McDonald's sells about 17 Big Macs every second.
• The average American adult receives eight cards and four gifts on his or her birthday. [I already knew I was below average, but this is just rubbing salt in the wound.]
• 65% of test subjects had the urge to yawn after reading the word "yawn". [So...how are YOU doing right now?]
• Some scenes in Disney's Bambi (1942) are unused footage from Pinocchio (1940). [So THAT explains why Thumper has donkey ears and Flower's tail is held up by a string.]
• The odds are 1 in 100,000 that you will get stuck on your next elevator ride. [TRY not to think about that the next time you step into an elevator.]
• How to tell whether you have a cold or the flu: Colds make you sneeze; flus don't.
• There are 200,000 more people on Earth today than there were yesterday [But only a couple of them need to worry about getting stuck on an elevator.]
• In 2008, psychologists introduced a new diagnosis: Facebook Addiction Disorder. [Is it just a coincidence that spells "FAD"?] 

A Spoiled Wedding

And you thought YOUR mother-in-law was a wedding wet blanket.

For the actual/factual story behind this picture, click here.

Stand Back! He's Gonna Blow!

You know me, right? I'm generally a good-natured, laid-back kind of guy, aren't I? I try to keep things around here fairly light and friendly and positive, don't I?

Yeah...well...variety is the spice of life...so get ready for a temporary change of pace...

I left for work a few minutes early the other day so I could stop by the local big-box food retailer, formerly known as a Grocery Store, and return ActorBoy's already-two-days-late DVD of Jack Reacher to the Redbox kiosk just inside the doors.

Being fairly early in the morning, it was no surprise to see only two cars in the parking lot, both parked close to the entrance. I was merrily heading toward the next open spot, glad to be finding what we in the Roth Household call a "pull-through" (where you can drive into a parking spot and just "pull through" to the facing spot, making it possible to drive forward when you leave, instead of needing to back out).

However...

As I was pulling into the slot, and my line of sight passed the rear of the already-parked car, I saw that some idio - ahem - person left their grocery cart in the middle of what was supposed to have been my pull-through spot. Two parking spaces away from the cart corral, and some goomba with guacamole for brains couldn't be bothered to put their cart away before driving off; no doubt at an advanced rate of speed, with black smoke billowing from a non-muffled tailpipe attached to their gas-guzzler with twist-ties and chewing gum.

Not only that, but there were grocery carts blocking the next two spots as well, so I just parked right there and took the offending carts into the store with me; confident that I would still be able to pull forward through the now-empty parking spot my car was facing.

However...

23.4 seconds later, having returned the DVD, I left the store to see that some...one had parked in that slot, blocking me from my hasty departure. 387 other open spots in the lot, and this...individual had to park grill-to-grill with me?!!?

And then to top it all off, I bent my house key while doing a little detail work on the side of their passenger door.

Mismanage a Thrown Fur (More Fun with Anagrams)

Thanks to my favorite Internet anagram engine, I have found some hidden meanings in terms near and dear to my heart.

• Blog Writer = Bit Growler
• Skyline Chili = Ice Hilly Skin (apparently, medical instructions for any allergic reaction)
• Doctor Pepper = Drop Pot, Creep
• Almost the Truth = Halt Hotter Smut
• Earworm = Arrow Me
• Giant Step Theatre = Sight Pet Anteater (which is almost an aardvark; which is an inside joke for GST alums)
• Lord of the Rings = Short Log Finder
• Former Youth Pastor = Perform a Rusty Hoot
• Jesus Follower = Flee Sour Jowls; Jewels for Soul
• Debbie's Husband = Hide Snubbed Abs

If U R What U Eat, I Wanna B THIS

There's a restaurant chain, famous for their ice cream, named Friendly's, and while a person's arteries and heart might not think the name fits, I'm feeling particularly friendly about a particular sandwich they introduced in 2010.

Everybody loves a good old, all-American, celebrate-your-freedom cheeseburger, right? And it's practically perfect in every way...impossible to be improved upon, right?

Wrong.

Friendly's took gastronomic ecstasy to a whole new level by replacing their cheeseburger's bun with grilled cheese sandwiches. That's right, I said sandwiches, as in two...one for the top and one for the bottom.

This bad boy weighs in at 1,500 calories, with 79 grams of fat. That's almost a full day's worth of calories and 122% of what any sane person's fat intake should be.

If this is nutritional torture, chain me to the wall!

Old News Is Gold News

Right off the bat, let me just state that this post is not my fault. The Minneapolis Star Tribune started it by publishing the following as a headline: "Payouts May Be Near in Suits Against De Beers."

What else could I do, my mind "working" the way it does, but to consider how the poet who wrote that headline may have treated notable news items from the past?

• Surprise Hebrew Escape Plan: Red Sea Becomes Dry Land
• Caesar Left in Dark; Cleo Chooses Marc
• Babylon Breaches Walls; Jerusalem Falls
• Lincoln Takes Lead in the Head
• North Atlantic Panic: Sinking of the Titanic
• Lovely Night in June for a Walk on the Moon
• Private Info Taken in Watergate Break-in

And my personal favorite...

• Early Headline Screwy; Truman Beats Dewey

 

World Records Aren't All They're Cracked Up 2 B

It was in the Minneapolis Star Tribune, so it must be true:

Arboretum Tree-Huggers Embrace Record
Tree-huggers of all ages flocked to the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum in Chanhassen on Friday, and it appears their efforts at a Guinness World Record for the World's Largest Tree Hug paid off. The arboretum's Judy Hohmann said that 935 huggers participated in the event from noon to 1 p.m. in the shade tree exhibit.

The previous record was 702, set in Cheshire, England, in 2011. In order to be counted, each participant registered at the site and was required to hug a tree for a minute within the designated time frame.

First of all, don't people understand the term tree-hugger was not meant to be literal? It originally just meant someone who was particularly eco-friendly. When did it turn into an actual Public Display of Affection? [My best guess: about the same time gay stopped meaning carefree and happy.]

Second of all, I wonder if I'm the only one who found it...um...awkward...that one of the pictures accompanying the short piece showed a woman actually kissing a tree with her arms passionately wrapped around its trunk. That's just taking a misunderstanding to a whole new level.

Third of all...and to tell the True Truth, third of three...since when is having the organizational skills necessary for registering a lot of one-minute tree-hugging idio--ahem--people worthy of garnering a World Record?

I can understand giving international recognition for most-miles-traveled-by-walking-on-hands or longest note sounded on a didgeridoo, but hugging trees? Or worse yet, and this is an actual-factual record, recognized by Guinness, Most Steps Walked Down By A Dog Facing Forwards Balancing A Glass Of Water. I mean, how many dogs are even in the running for that?!?

I've decided I'm going to create a world record of my own, and let the world shower me with the appropriate adoration, respect, and gift cards. I'm pretty sure I've already got this one locked up: Most Games of Electronic Solitaire Played by a Balding Former Hoosier While Sitting in a Workplace Restroom.