Dewey needs...

One of the latest things to hit Facebook (and you know that I am all about the latest things) is a little exercise in narcissism wherein the practitioner does a Google search on the World Wide Wackfest (www) for the words "Practitioner'sName needs" and then posts the phrases found floating in the Ethernet for all the world to see.


And so, here are the top results for "Dewey needs..."


...shoes
...a home for the holidays
...to regain the pace he once had and develop a step rather than trying to run over everyone
...a glass of water to help him relax but instead discovers marijuana
...a lot of freedom in his close one-to-one relationships and he may experiment with nontraditional forms of relationships
...to win to surpass Donato Hanover’s single season TROTTING earnings record of $233,6190 set in 2007
...to get his act together, lose the frat-boy persona, and learn how to teach
...just four assists to move into the UIndy all-time top ten
...sleep
...to be corrected and modified and brought up to date
...to find a job, and as fate would have it, he decides to take Ned’s
...some schema information for labeling
...shelter only John can provide
...a social life.
..to place a call to Burt Hooten and ask for advice in getting Wandy straightened out
...a win Friday in order to still be playing on Week 11
...Emersonian nudgings to help learn the value of the nonconformist within society
...to abstain from sex for the entire weekend, and if he does, his prize is Jay's virginal Jesus freak sister
...a watch
...to be held properly accountable for failing to pay explicit attention to the specific nature of the power relations surrounding him
...to be mentioned as a leader in education
...to be saved
...all the energy she can muster
...to take a physics class
...money, and desperately wants to enter the local battle of the bands competition
...a ride to the arcade
...a little training (but learns quickly!) and is quite energetic - he'd make a great outdoor companion
...to be replaced
...a full-time team of translators with a language and library background and some input from specialists
...a haircut
...not only to be studied but to be emulated
...a gazebo and money needs to be raised so it can be built
...fired and Davis needs voted out
...to swab a lot of decks
...no defense for his action, certainly
...to be even cooler than me, 'cause he has all that Husky hair
...extra gear for the annual burn convention
...comforting
...to alter five feral cats who are living under a trailer next to her
...your help now
...more than the vet
...to try and pull up a picture on that camera phone, and say, “Dang, I run my own business, but I can’t operate my cell phone!"
...you
...to save all of his friends from an evil baron who wants to pollute the world
...to come up with a hit song
...a ratings boost
...a written report from each person
...to be on quality senior feed as well as hay pellets due to the fact that his teeth are worn down with age
...to be outside by himself in order to go
...miles and an owner with time to spoil him; he was an orphan so he is accustomed to lots of attention from people
...camera lessons
...a biblical lecture from Glenn Dickey
...a plan
...no introduction
...to understand that we no longer live in the 1970's
...a new blog entry [Ah-HA! So THAT'S what this was really all about!]

The Return of the Earworm

Last Wednesday morning, I inexplicably woke up with an old, old, old Pepsi jingle running around in circles in my head. (Not that it was inexplicable that I woke up. In fact, it was quite understandable that I woke up...what with my alarm ringing and all.)

"Taste that beats the others cold...Pepsi pours it on."

After I had unsuccessfully exhausted all attempts at purging the nasty earworm from my consciousness, I started wondering, "Whatever happened to the Cola Wars?" Back in the 1980s, there was a series of commercials spewing forth from Pepsi and Coke that were basically attack-ads aimed at each other. There was some pretty funny stuff, including nursing home residents sucking on Cokes but being transformed into young, hip party-ers when someone delivers Pepsi to them instead. ("The choice of a NEW generation.")

But I realized that I hadn't seen anything even approaching a Cola War ad for a long time. To be more exact: a very long time.

But then I realized that I hadn't seen any cola TV commercial for a very long time.

But then I realized that I hadn't seen any television ads at all in a very long time.

And then I remembered..."Oh yeah...I don't watch TV much anymore." Most of my boob tube entertainment infiltrates my sphere of awareness via either DVD or www.hulu.com. (A moment of silence, please, for "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.")

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

While doing the exhaustive research necessary to keep this post historically accurate, I found that the Cola Wars have been reignited. This was posted by the news service, Reuters, on January 22nd of this year:

Coca-Cola Co. and PepsiCo Inc. are reigniting the long-smoldering "cola wars" with new marketing, hoping to stem a 3-year U.S. sales decline of carbonated drinks.

Coke is launching a global marketing campaign this week for its iconic cola brand, weeks after Pepsi introduced new marketing and overhauled the logos of its soft drinks, including its flagship cola.

"I don't think we've seen this kind of head-to-head competition from the cola giants for probably a decade or so," said John Sicher, publisher of industry newsletter Beverage Digest. "In my view, the cola wars are back on in a very intense and dramatic way."

Yeah...so intense and dramatic that none of us was aware it was happening. But then again, I've already established that even though my best friends while growing up were Captain Kangaroo and Gilligan, my television awareness in the recent past is comparable to my skill with power tools. ("Back away from the reciprocal saw, Dewey.")

But then I realized that this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Headline Tango

I am inflicted with a strange disease that doesn't allow me to read a newspaper without twisting the headlines to my own warped way of thinking. Observe . . .

When I read the headline, Alleged Mobster Gets Sucked In, I immediately imagined Al Capone as part of the Kirby video game.

Outcry Over Ship Named After Nazi. It's not enough to name hurricanes and tropical storms? Now we're keeping track of outcries by giving them names like Adolf and Himler?

I understand that the writer of the headline Cretin Crushes Lakeville South may have been a Lakeville fan, but that's no reason to start name-calling.

Retired Teacher Charged Over Sex Acts With Student. I'm sure he was, but I'm pretty disgusted by it myself.

The headline reads TV Anchor Slaying Suspect Tied to Rape, but is it talking about someone who is suspected of slaying a TV anchor or a TV anchor who slayed a suspect?

Defense Hit with Computer Warfare. Apparently, these new-fangled computer warfare games really, really like the idea of defense instead of offense. Why that's a news item, I'll never know.

Teen Accused in Fatal Beating by Pipe to be Tried as Juvenile. I'm confused. Since when were pipes given the right to accuse anyone of anything?

Only one of those flamboyant, swishy hosts of a cable fashion show would be upset with the news that Protesters Clash with Police in Capital.

Franken Loses Bid to Toss Out Coleman Suit. I've got no problem with this. I think a man ought to be able to clean his own closet. Let everybody else mind their own business.

God Our Fodder

One day this past week, as part of the Useful Breath Bible-reading schedule (hop aboard at www.usefulbreath.com), I read a passage in Jeremiah, Chapter One, wherein God is showing the prophet different object lessons to teach him some truths. Two verses jumped out at me (scaring me just a bit, while waving their arms and shouting, "Booga-booga!"):

Jeremiah 1:11-12...
The word of the Lord came to me: "What do you see, Jeremiah?"

"I see the branch of an almond tree," I replied.

The Lord said to me, "You have seen correctly, for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled."

A thinking person's first question might very well be, "What the farnsworth does the branch of an almond tree have to do with God being the Father-up-above-who-is looking-down-in-love-so-be-careful-little-hands-what-you-do?"

A footnote in my Bible has the answer: "The Hebrew for watching sounds like the Hebrew for almond tree."

So...God is a punster! He likes to play with words. And He uses the humor in such wordplay as a memory aid for the prophet Jeremiah. It would be like if He showed me a picture of Benedict Arnold and said, "I am a trader; taking your sins and giving you abundant life."

Okay, maybe not a whole lot like that.

The valid point to make here is that God was infinitely wise to do this whole thing with Jeremiah, the Junior Woodsman/Horticulturist, and not me. If He had asked me, "What do you see, Dewey?" I would have said, "A tree branch," and the whole object lesson would have been lost.

Page 56, Sentence 5

I haven't a clue (what's new?) who started it, but there's a quirky little thing going around Facebook wherein a person is instructed to grab the book closest to them, turn to page 56, and use the fifth sentence as their status statement. It's easy and random and the results are sometimes eerily appropriate. Like this morning, when I grabbed the New International Version Bible sitting next to me and found "He too will become a people, and he too will become great." (Yeah...really fits me...whatever.)

It got me to thinking (a noteworthy experience in itself) that it might be interesting to collect the fifth sentence on page 56 from a series of books. It might just turn out to be easy and random and eerily appropriate. And so, here they are, from Harry Potter and the...

Sorcerer's Stone
Brought yeh ter this lot.

Chamber of SecretsMr. Weasley took Harry's glasses, gave them a tap of his wand, and returned them, good as new.

Prisoner of Azkaban
I just--lost control.

Goblet of Fire
Front page of the Daily Prophet, I expect, cauldron leaks.

Order of the Phoenix
Give it another quarter of a mile!

Half-Blood Prince
"Well, Harry...time for us to be off," said Dumbledore at last, standing up and straightening his long black cloak.

Deathly Hallows
But the owl lay motionless and pathetic as a toy on the floor of her cage.

Easy? Yep. Random? Except for the fact that it was the same page and sentence in each book, sure. Eerily appropriate? Uhhhhh...not so much.

Becoming Fine in 2009, Part Five

This is the fifth and final installment of Almost the Truth's skewering of U.S.News & World Report's "50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2009." [Insert sounds of a celebratory crowd here]


41. Visit the last American frontier...which, in the editors' way of thinking, is the great state of Alaska. It's kind of interesting that Vice Presidential nominee, Sarahcuda, has brought so much attention to Alaska at the same time that it celebrates its 50th anniversary. At the same time, it's kind of messing with my mind to think that I am 1 year, 5 months, and 1 day older than a state. I really am, officially and beyond question, older than dirt.

42. Geotag your trip pics. It's bad enough that I have to remember where in the computer I filed my picture of the kids recreating Mount Rushmore...now I'm suppose to put the latitude and longitude in the photo's file, too? I really am, officially and beyond question, ready to find the goons that come up with these things and lay hands on them...hard, fast, and repeatedly.

43. Give pottery a spin. This is exactly what my life needs...something else for me to spend money on that will result in proving I am inept.

44. Teach your kids to cook. Sure...rub my face into the sad-but-true Truth that all four of our children are so far out of the nest that they very rarely even see the tree anymore. However, Beloved is living out this "suggestion" on bettering our lives. Whenever AngelFace calls, it's usually to ask how to cook something. So in a way, having not taught our kids to cook when they were growing up is increasing our opportunities for interaction and relationship-nurturing now that they are adult-like creatures.

45. Listen to Kind of Blue. "In 2009, 50 years will have passed since a young trumpet player named Miles Davis and his band walked into Columbia Records' East 30th Street recording studio..." ZZZzzzzzzzzz...

46. Learn to play bridge. ZZZzzzzzzzzz...

47. Take a "staycation." Here's an idea whose economic time has come! Instead of spending the truckload of cash it takes to fly to some exotic location, get to know the places in your hometown area that folks who "aren't from around here" would pay money to come visit. Needing to save even more money than what airline tickets would cost, I'm stretching this idea even farther. This June, Beloved and I are spending a week walking to our mailbox and back. I'll post the pictures!

48. Play that funky music. This piece sings the praises of the video games Rock Band and Guitar Hero. I admit that these diversions are probably healthier than the blood-splattered shoot-'em-ups that usually fly off the shelves. My only issue with them is that I've never heard of any of the songs they dare me to duplicate. The most-recent pop music album I own (and, yes, I'm talking vinyl record here) is Billy Joel's 1981 classic, The Stranger. From that point on, I mostly gave up on pop radio. That decision saved me from a decade of synthesized drum-like sounds, but it left me totally ill-equipped to rise to the challenge of singing along with the Flaming Hot Chili Bowlers.

49. Watch Let It Be. I would really, really love to obey this command, but this Beatles movie is out of print. Do we have to wait for a 50th anniversay DVD in 2019? C'mon, Paul and Ringo, you've done everything else to keep pulling income from your long-gone heydays...make this happen!

50. Read the book first. This annual list ends with a whimper as U.S.News & World Report breaks the amazing news that there are movies being released this coming year that are based on books. Their next investigative report will focus on the recent discovery that the sky tends to get brighter when the sun is above the horizon.

Becoming Fine in 2009, Part Four

Almosting the list of "50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2009," from U.S.News & World Report:

31. Study the life of a great leader. The specific "suggestion" from the bossy-pants editors is to commemorate the 200th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's birth (February 12, 2009) by reading some of the over 40 books either recently published or about to be printed. As much as I support the memory of Honest Abe, I'm still waiting for the commemoration of other great leaders like the guy who first came up with the revolutionary thought to squeeze that bag hanging between a cow's rear legs and drinking whatever came out. There's brave leadership for you.

32. Eat your own spinach. Eat my shorts.

33. Line dry your laundry. Mind your own business.

34. Switch to a push mower. Switch this!

35. Don't drive distracted. I'm sorry...what? Did you say something?

36. Help others and yourself. I'm at the point now with this list that I really can't bring myself to read the whole article, but contrary to how the headline reads, I doubt that they're actually recommending shoplifting as a means of self-improvement.

37. Swap paper for screens. "Reading online helps the planet because it reduces your carbon footprint." In addition to my general feeling of wanting to put a size 12 carbon footprint squarely across the seat of the pants of anyone who uses the phrase carbon footprint, I am positively in shock that a magazine...printed on paper and distributed by trucks...would actually publish this self-defeating piece of advice.

38. Spread tolerance. I can't stand intolerant people.

39. Buy laptops for kids. Don't you have to be at least 18 to go the the places where they do those personal dances?

40. Try to hypermile drive. Hypermiling is a blanket term for certain techniques used to get really, really good gas mileage: coasting whenever possible, turning off the engine instead of idling for over 30 seconds, attaching your winch to the rear bumper of a semi going your way...

The fifth and final fraction follows...