Headline Tango

I am inflicted with a strange disease that doesn't allow me to read a newspaper without twisting the headlines to my own warped way of thinking. Observe . . .

When I read the headline, Alleged Mobster Gets Sucked In, I immediately imagined Al Capone as part of the Kirby video game.

Outcry Over Ship Named After Nazi. It's not enough to name hurricanes and tropical storms? Now we're keeping track of outcries by giving them names like Adolf and Himler?

I understand that the writer of the headline Cretin Crushes Lakeville South may have been a Lakeville fan, but that's no reason to start name-calling.

Retired Teacher Charged Over Sex Acts With Student. I'm sure he was, but I'm pretty disgusted by it myself.

The headline reads TV Anchor Slaying Suspect Tied to Rape, but is it talking about someone who is suspected of slaying a TV anchor or a TV anchor who slayed a suspect?

Defense Hit with Computer Warfare. Apparently, these new-fangled computer warfare games really, really like the idea of defense instead of offense. Why that's a news item, I'll never know.

Teen Accused in Fatal Beating by Pipe to be Tried as Juvenile. I'm confused. Since when were pipes given the right to accuse anyone of anything?

Only one of those flamboyant, swishy hosts of a cable fashion show would be upset with the news that Protesters Clash with Police in Capital.

Franken Loses Bid to Toss Out Coleman Suit. I've got no problem with this. I think a man ought to be able to clean his own closet. Let everybody else mind their own business.