flesruoY tcepseR

 

The 462nd-greatest song of all time, according to Rolling Stone, is "Respect Yourself," recorded by The Staple Singers in 1971.

At first glance, you'd think this would be a positive, uplifting, encouraging message of truth, brotherhood, and the American way...but at SECOND glance...uhhhh.

The title implies the song is going to encourage the listener to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, and don't mess with Mister Inbetween, but just look at some of the lyrics:

If you don't give a heck 'bout the man with the Bible in his hand

Just get out the way and let the gentleman do his thing

You the kind of gentleman that want everything your way

Take the sheet off your face, boy, it's a brand new day

If you're walking 'round thinkin' that the world owes you something 'cause you're here

You goin' out the world backwards like you did when you first come here

Oh, you cuss around women and you don't even know their names

And you dumb enough to think that'll make you a big ol man

Respect yourself, respect yourself...

Translation: Respect yourself, you atheistic, narcissistic, foul-mouthed, breech-born, ignorant racist.

Peace and love, man. Peace and love.

Questionable Q Words

A squinch of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Qaid (adj)  -  What actors Dennis and Randy would be without you

Qi (n)  -  The vital life force of many a Scrabble^® player

Quaalude (n)  -  The vital life force of many a harried parent

QUACK (acronym)  -  Quick, Use Alternate Communication Know-how!

Quacker (n)  -  A thin, quisp wayfuh, often queated to enjoy wiff cheese and uhthuh savuhwhee toppings

Quackiest (adj)  -  Having the most fissures

Quadrant (n)  -  The violent declaration of a golf foursome

Quadratical (v)  -  When an octopus uses half its arms to make someone laugh

Quadrilateral (n)  -  In football, a play when the ball is tossed sideways four times

Quadrisyllabic (irony)

Hoping to See These Headlines in 2021

 

With 2020 finally behind us, perhaps there's an inkling of a minute chance of possibly seeing one or two of these imagined headlines in print...

God Announces a Do-Over of the Past 12 Months (Notice...this does NOT mean a REPEAT of the past year!)

Yeah...that's it. Who could ask for anything more?

Almost the Nativity

 (For those who arrived late, this is a reprint from 2009...and 2011.)

I view the Bible as being 100% truthful and reliable...however...it doesn't always report 100% of what actually happened. At times, it uses figures of speech and poetic language and just plain leaves some things out. For example, what really happened between Luke 1:26-56 and Matthew 1:18?

Following the angel Gabriel's announcement to Mary that she would give birth to the Messiah, and Mary's hasty, three-month visit with her kinswoman, Elizabeth, she returned to Nazareth and her betrothed, Joseph.

"Joseph?" Mary inquired, as she entered the carpenter's shop.

"Is that the voice of my turtle dove?" laughed Joseph as he picked Mary up and swung her around in joy.

"Careful, you glorified lumberjack." Joseph was a little confused about needing to be careful, so Mary continued: "I've got some wonderful news, oh hubby-to-be! I am expecting a child."

"That's a wonderful, positive attitude, my basket of flower petals. I, too, expect that our God will be gracious and grant to us the blessing of being parents." (Joseph was not the sharpest chisel in the toolbox.)

"You don't understand, my muscular ox. I am, even now, at this very minute, expecting a child."

Joseph tilted his head to one side, squinted, and slowly said, "Yea, verily...me, too."

Mary slipped her hands up Joseph's arms and cupped his face. "Let me speak plainly, oh He Who Is Strong of Arm and Thick of Skull. I'm preggers."

The light dawned excruciatingly slowly in the carpenter's mind: "Heyyyyy...what were you doing for the last three months, anyway? I thought you were visiting your cousin Elizabeth. Is there something in the water up there?"

"Joseph," Mary calmly interjected, "I am not pregnant by the effort of any man. God has placed this child within me."

"Riiiiiiiight."

Christmas Threats

It's funny what a simple typo can lead to.

When I saw this sign...

...who would have guessed it would have resulted in these thoughts?

• You don't EVEN want to know what this candy cane is capable of.
• ♪♫ Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Wrapped around your throat!
• If I don't get some quiet around here, there's going to be more than CHESTNUTS roasting on an open fire!
• I'm going to put you away in a manger.
• Rudolph, if you don't get your nose outta my business, I'm gonna delight you.

If the Eagles Ever Made a Christmas Record...

 

...it would probably include songs like this:

BAKE IT CHEESY

Well I'm a-runnin' down the road, got a party to go to

Seven cheesecakes in my car

ITCHY WOMAN

Ooh, itchy woman, she's so scratchy everywhere

Ooh, itchy woman, she's got the woolen underwear

LYIN' DOWN

We can't help but be lyin' down

The meal's so big when you come around

PEACEFUL, EASY EGG NOG

And I got some peaceful, easy egg nog

And it feels so good goin' down

HOTEL AT THE NORTH POLE

Welcome to the hotel at the North Pole

Such a snowy place

With a tiny race

Yeah, there's plenty of elves at the hotel at the North Pole

At this time of year

You'll see Santa here

TAKE IT TO THE FAT MAN

You know I've always been a dreamer

(Hopin' for things to own)

And it's so hard to wait

(Can't seem to get a loan)

But the dreams I've seen lately

Need to be mapped out 'cause I'm so tapped out

I guess wishing is my fate

So drive me to the mall now

And put me in line

I'm gonna take it to the fat man one more time

Apparently, the Worst of the Best of the Beatles Catalog

"Rain" is the lowest-ranking Beatles song on the "500 Greatest Songs of All Time" list published by Rolling Stone.

It also happens to be Ringo's favorite Beatles song. Go figure.

It includes one of the earliest uses of backward tape. Beatlephiles would want us to believe this was a creative epiphany that erupted from the musically-genius John Lennon or maybe George Martin. The #TrueTruth of the matter is that Lennon was stoned and accidentally put the tape on the machine wrong.

I'm not joking!

I'm also completely serious when I inform you that the MetroLyrics website must have thought they were being clever when they listed the lyrics of the backward section as:

Sdeah reiht edih dna nur yeht

Semoc niar eht fi

(Rain)

Niar

(Rain)

Senihs nus

I'm not joking!

It all kind of makes me want to tie a rope around a chicken before it can cross the road.

I'm joke knotting!