Duck and Cover Girl

The way I figure it, women must be pretty fierce.

Tough.

Fearless warriors, who refuse to run away from a challenging situation.

Here's what I'm talking about...the other evening, Beloved and I were strolling through a big box retailer where all the associates wear red polo shirts. We were in the aisle for eye makeup (a good place to be, because Beloved was wanting to purchase some eye makeup) and I noticed what Covergirl has chosen to call some of its offerings.

If you're in the market for mascara, some of your choices are fairly violent, if you ask me.

Lashblast Fusion...sounds like something Han Solo would use to neutralize a greedy bounty hunter.

Plumpify Blastpro...I can hear this being shouted in a munitions development lab. "Prepare to plumpify Blastpro!"

A third name just makes me cringe in sympathetic pangs of pain...Clump Crusher.

And the ladies are using these things right next to their eyeballs! Amazing bravery!

One particular eyeliner caught my attention as well...Liquiline Blast.

I'm almost certain it takes an extra person to help apply this; standing about 20 feet away: "Alright! Brace yourself! I'm going to blast the left one first! One...two..."

"Wait wait wait! Is that YOUR left or MY left?"

"Three!"

"AUGH!"

You Keep Using That Word...

...I do not think it means what you think it means.

• ABORIGINAL  -  n.  The first person to sculpt their body through sit-ups
• AWKWARD  -  adj.  The side of a boat or island closest to Awk
• FADED  -  n.  A course of study focused on current, temporary crazes
• INCONCEIVABLE  -  adj.  Unable to become pregnant
• MANGO  -  1.  n.  Any mode of individual transportation specifically designed for males  2.  n.  In tropical-themed restaurants, the designation for the men's restroom
• PROCRASTINATION  -  adj.  Being in favor of having one's country include Crast
• PUN  -  n.  In American football, a downfield kick that does not use a tee
• QUESTION  -  n.  A charged particle that has been the object of an epic search
• TAILWIND  -  n.  Come now...do I really have to spell this out for you?
• UPBEAT  -  v.  To strike or kick, usually repeatedly, so as to inflict physical injury upon Yoda
• VANISH  -  adj.  Having some characteristics similar to a van

Which IS It? "Natural" or "Cut"?

Wendy's has been using the term "Natural-Cut Fries" since the fall of 2010, but just last night, inexplicably, my attention was caught and I started wondering what made the cutting of Wendy's fries so all-fire natural?

So of course, I dove head-first into the World Wide Wackfest to find out all I could about the concept of "natural cut".

There's a hair salon in Dublin called The Natural Cut that looks like a really fun place:

I kinda doubt they process all of Wendy's fries, though.

Nor do I think Wendy's has shopped at Bed, Bath, and Beyond for the Natural Cut for Perfect Fries™ One Step French Fry Cutter...especially since it's no longer available online. (Wait...What?!!? Bed, Bath, and BeYOND???)

Then there's a company called ProVia ("The Professional Way") that sells something called Natural Cut Manufactured Stone...which sounds a little like Genuine Artificial Flavoring.

There's also the Natural Cut that is, according to its Twitter profile, "a Simple, Youth yet Sophisticated Indonesian Clothing Brand." They ask, "Have you buy our BLEUE Flannel Shirt? This shirt really suits for your daily basis. Let's do some shop..."

But wait! There's more...

I've also found  Natural Cut Himalayan Salt Lamps, which gets my vote for Band Name of the Day.

Believe it or not, I've also uncovered why Wendy's calls their fries Natural-Cut, and surprisingly, it has nothing to do with finding their potatoes already cut by the Forces of Nature.

I know, right?

It just means they don't heat the potatoes before cutting them, so the skin stays on...but that's neither interesting nor funny, so why would I bother writing about that?

The Grammar Police Strike Again!

Because I make my living by manipulating the English language, either through writing or reading aloud or speaking (see AlmostTheTruth.com), I tend to think of myself as a bit of an expert. Everyone else tends to think of me as a snobbish Grammar Nazi, but I prefer the term Grammar Police...I'm really just trying to keep you from looking ignorant...or worse yet...stupid.

In an attempt to validate this exulted view of my language skills, I recently indulged in one of those online quizzes purporting to test your ability to distinguish between to, too, and two. Imagine my frustration when one of the multiple-choice questions failed to include a correct response...

And if you're thinking right now the answer is obviously the bottom choice, go do some research on mid-sentence capitalization.

#DropALetterCreateAMovie

I absolutely stole this idea from the World Wide Wackfest, but the specific content of this list is absolutely mine.

• The Princess Ride - Oh the angst of needing to decide whether to go side-saddle.
• Aws - A New England summer resort town is invaded by giant, overly-cute kittens.
• Hat Thing You Do - A local group of haberdashers temporarily hit the big time.
• The Lion, the Itch, and the Wardrobe - Four British children are transported to another land and rescue the citizenry from a severe allergic reaction.
• My Big Fat Reek Wedding - Pretty Dress. Stinky Flowers.
• Butch Cassidy and the Undance Kid - Two congenial villains in the Old West...one happens to be clumsy.
• Godfinger - James Bond on the trail of the super-villain who stole the Sistine Chapel.

• Bride of Spies - A beautiful widow marries her dead husband's CIA coworker.
• Gone With the Win - A Union soldier leaves town immediately after the end of the Civil War.
• The Ion King - The inspiring story of an orphaned scientist.
• Riders of the Lost Ark - Indiana Jones travels back in time to sail with Noah.
• Forrest Ump - A learning-disabled man officiates the World Series.
• The Greatest Sow on Earth - That's some pig.
• Lad and the Tramp - Opie Taylor befriends a hobo.
• Men in Back - A documentary about the origins of the dance craze known as "grinding".
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dom - Our intrepid archaeologist discovers a cult that worships comic actor, Dom Deluise. 
• It's a Wonderful Lie - George Bailey changes his town by starting a rumor about Mr. Potter.

You'll Never Believe What The Doctor Told Us This Morning

Somebody owes Beloved and me a TON of money.

When the doctor removed a grapefruit-sized cyst from Beloved twenty some years ago, it was also necessary to remove her uterus and both ovaries...surgically sending her to the Land of Hot Flashes.

Being instantly post-menopausal, one would think she would never be able to get pregnant again, right?

Wellllll...we just got notice this morning that it ain't necessarily so.

And with daughter-number-two, BuckEye, due to deliver her firstborn in early October, it looks like we're going to have four grandchildren older than one of our kids.

This day is going to be one for the history books.

Ode To Gray Skies

One mid-afternoon, all gray and dreary

My monitor just went all smeary

My eyes were definitely bleary

My mood? Unequivocally weary

The blues were bound to be my song

The blahs were coming on real strong

The week had grown to be quite long

Though, scientifically, that's wrong

Each week has but seven days

The same for straights as it is for gays

You can be adorned with Hawaiian leis

But time marches on always

We're all time travelers, you see

There's nothing else that we could be

Time can't be stopped, from sea to sea

The seconds tick; the lifetimes flee

And still we grumble, gripe, and shout

Frustrated fools who have no clout

And just the time I've figured it out

I forget what it was I was talking about