Things I Learned While Beloved Couldn't Walk

Since February 19th's surgery, Beloved (She Who Must Be Obeyed; The Woman To Whom I Am Weddeth) has been forbidden to put any weight on her right foot. This requires, obviously, a lot of time in bed for her and a lot of working from home for me. But the time hasn't been wasted. I've really learned a lot during these weeks.

• Advertisers apparently think that everyone who watches television during the day is old, sick, needs additional life insurance, and has been injured in an accident and is looking to litigate.
• Making a fruit-and-spinach smoothie isn't as easy as it looks.
• Being in bed for three weeks isn't as fun as it sounds.
• Hallmark movies all pretty much have the same plot; the characters just have different names and occupations.
• When using a walker, go up the stairs backwards, or don't go at all.
• Essential Everyday (Cub Foods' store brand) Cheddar Cheese Macaroni & Cheese Dinner delivers the overwhelming taste of the cardboard box it comes in.
• White Kit Kat Minis are awesome. (Thank you, Derrily WeRollAlong!)
• Watching an episode of TLC's My 600 Pound Life is an extremely successful appetite suppressant.

If You Have To Explain It, Maybe It's Not All That Funny

Not everybody gets my sense of humor.

Big newsflash, right?

I understand, though. I really do. I've got these parallel trains of thought running all the time and they very easily jump the tracks and interfere with each other. It's seeing connections between things that normal people don't really see connections between. It's having a cranial database of songs and catch phrases and classic television that refuses to keep things compartmentalized.

But the clerk at my local drugstore has set the record for not getting it.

Because Beloved recently had foot surgery to repair a major bone spur, she was taking Happy Pills. A not-uncommon side effect of Happy Pills is a jolly jaunt through the Land of NotDiarrhea. To combat this duodenal dam, I went to the drugstore to purchase some stool softener...which sounds like a person has a three-legged, armless chair that's too hard, but I digress.

I walked up to the counter with my bottle of ColonBlow and DrugstoreClerk asked me, "How's it going?"

Well of COURSE I broke out laughing...wouldn't you?

But even after I pointed out to DrugstoreClerk the connection between my laughter and my purchase, he just nodded once and said, "Oh."

Well gee...have a nice day, Mortimer.

Awesome Road Songs - But NUMBER FOUR??!?

Some of the best songs ever written refer to life on the road...bringing to mind America's obsession with independence, travel, and putting the pedal to the metal. And sometimes, expressing a longing to NOT be driving down the road.

Exhibit One: Simon & Garfunkel's Homeward Bound (Written by Paul Simon)

And each town looks the same to me

The movies and the factories

And every stranger's face I see

Reminds me that I long to be

Homeward Bound - I wish I was

Homeward Bound

Home - Where my thought's escaping

Home - Where my music's playing

Home - Where my love lies waiting silently for me

Exhibit Two: Jackson Browne's Running on Empty 

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields

In 65, I was 17 and running up 101

I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on

Running on - Running on empty

Running on - Running blind

Running on - Running into the sun

But I'm running behind

Exhibit Three: Eagles' Take It Easy (Written by Dorothy Fields & Jimmy McHugh)

Well I'm a-runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load

I've got seven women on my mind

Four that want to own me, two that want to stone me

One says she's a friend of mine

Take it easy, take it easy

Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy

And finally, Exhibit Four, from one of the most-celebrated songwriting duos of the past century, Lennon and McCartney.

Why don't we do it in the road?

Why don't we do it in the road?

Why don't we do it in the road?

Why don't we do it in the road?

No one will be watching us

Why don't we do it in the road?

Wait...what??!? 

Observed Absurdities™ 24 - Internal Protection

Life at DocumentCzar is humming along nicely, thank you.

My manager's candy bowl consistently supplies me with empty calories and my coworkers' grammar-challenged compositions ensure the necessity of my presence.

Another plus is the fresh, cold, filtered water available in the break room.

However...

When I took a closer look at the water dispenser's logo, I got a little confused.

Are my innards in danger of getting a sunburn?

#RuinABook

Choosing a book's title just might be the most important part of an author's (or editor's) job. One small change could ruin everything.

For instance...

• Fifty Shades of Grey Poupon
• The Diary of Canned Franks
• The Wonderful Lizard of Odd
• The Boring Identity

• Dairy of a Wimpy Kid - Holstein Edition
• Tuesdays with a Moray
• How to Manipulate People into Liking You and Get Them to Do What You Want
• To Slander a Mockingbird
• Charlotte's Flytrap
• Who Moved My Processed Dairy Substance?
• The Seven Habits of People Who Always Get Their Own Way
• Stalk You Forever
• The Da Vinci Cold
• The Lord of the Metal Finger Band
• The Lion, the Witch, and the Secret Passageway Into Another Land That May be a Dimensional Anomaly

Fun With Anagrams - The Political Edition

We don't even know who the official major party candidates are yet, and already I am on political overload. So much talking...so little understanding.

In an effort to start enjoying the process, let us consider the hidden meanings of some significant names and terms through the wonders of anagrams.

Republican = Caliber Pun or Crab Lineup or Nubile Crap or Rub A Pencil
Donald Trump = Damp Old Runt
Chris Christie = Crisis Hitcher
Ted Cruz = Curt Zed
Carly Fiorina = A Rainy Frolic or Nil Coif Array
Marco Rubio = I Rob Our Mac
Ben Carson = Bran Scone (i.e., Good for you, but not very exciting)

Electoral College = Relocate Cello Leg
Oval Office = Loaf Of Vice
White House = I Shout Whee
Senators = So Astern or Are Snots
Filibuster = Lustier Fib
Incumbents = Numb Insect

Democrat = Coat Mr Ed or Recto Dam
Hillary Clinton = Chilly Loin Rant
Bernie Sanders = Bans Reindeers or Ensnares Bride or Breeds A Sinner

Amazing Facts - Prepare To Be Shocked!

Judging by life as I know it here in corporate America, hardly anyone is aware of the things on this short list of Actual Factual Stuph. Try to keep your shorts clean as I lay some amazing facts on you.

1. Not all toilets are self-flushing.
2. Plastic ice trays do not fill themselves up with water.
3. Break room countertops do not magically absorb spilled salt, sugar, coffee, and/or whatever that green stuff is that hardened over last weekend.
4. When the music service your office subscribes to has a playlist of only 40 songs, you get the same song shoved into your ears 20 times a week, i.e., 4 times a day. (File under: Hostile Work Environment)