A Palm Sunday Question

Who is Anna, and what did she do to deserve being hosed?

Call Me Fickle

I pulled up to a traffic light this morning and while waiting to be given the green arrow to turn left, I noticed that I was behind a car with "Vietnam Vet" license plates.

My mind started thinking about how so many of the veterans of the Vietnam "Conflict" came home to a nation divided in its attitudes about the war and those who fought in it. It made me want to put my car in park, rush up to the driver, and just thank him for serving his country.


At just that moment, we were given the green-for-go, so my imaginary expression of gratitude was cut short and I prepared to switch my foot from the brake to the accelerator. The problem with that, though, was that the honorable veteran's car was not moving. I don't know if his thoughts were distracted or he was reading a text or the effects of Agent Orange had finally caught up with him, but he was not heeding the traffic signal's clear insistence that it was time to turn left and get on with the morning commute.


Because the guy risked his life for my sake, I gave him an extra second or two.


Okay...that was enough...I lightly tapped my horn: a friendly little "toot-toot"...all the while hoping he wouldn't have a Mekong Delta flashback and go all Apocalypse Now on my sorry, little Kia.


The arrow turned yellow, the vet lurched through at the last possible moment, and I was stuck sitting through another cycle of light changes.


It's amazing how quickly a feeling of warmth and thankfulness can turn to "I'm glad they have special Vietnam Vet license plates available. I like being warned about things like that."

Oz Police Line-Up

Every week at Big Brother, Inc., I instigate a collaborative effort on our communal whiteboard. Some weeks, it's a story written by adding three words at a time (which generally results in absolute proof that the engineers at BBI desperately need my services as a technical writer - yay! Job security!). Most often, it's a picture/cartoon of some sort that I begin with a few shapes or random marks...and that gets added to through the week until it takes on an identity of its own.

Last week's work was a winner:

If the image isn't clear enough for you to see what's going on here, let me summarize.

What began as a circle and an oval, ended up being an homage/satire of The Wizard of Oz featuring the famous foursome in a police line-up, each charged with a variety of offenses:

Dorothy - Illegal immigration, theft, manslaughter, sedition, and invasion of private property

Lion - Draft-dodger, tax evasion, bail-jumper

Scarecrow - Arsonist, voter fraud

Tinman - Cold-hearted

Wizard - Impostery, investment fraud

And Toto, too - Littering

In the bottom left, we see the back of a police officer's head as he says, "Number One, step forward and say, 'I'm not a witch at all'."

With co-workers like this, who needs the funny papers?

Army Intelligence

In order to be gainfully employed by Big Brother, Inc. (my current place of gainful employment), it is necessary to be cleared by the Department of Defense and have issued unto oneself a bit of plastic known as a "CAC card." (Pronounced 'kack.')

Right off the bat, let me share that it hurts my feelings that most people call this bit of plastic a CAC card. The reason for my pain? The acronym, CAC, stands for "Common Access Card." It goes against my sense of righteousness and general commitment toward verbal laziness to call something what it is...twice. That's along the same lines as going to the basement to check the "hot water heater."

ACK!

Verbal frustrations notwithstanding, I recently had to make a trip to my friendly, neighborhood Army base in order to renew said card-card. (Updated update, now the truth can be told: It was actually an Air Force base, but the oxymoronic joke hidden in the above title might not be recognized at all if I had said "Air Force Intelligence.")

NONE OF THE ABOVE REALLY HAS ANY BEARING ON WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SHOW YOU.

After having my renewal application dutifully verified and a new picture taken for the card-card, I needed to Visit The Facilities before driving back to Big Brother, Inc. The room designated for answering Nature's call was easy enough to find, as it had the following placard prominently displayed beside the door:

Nothing surprising there. The word "Men" and a masculine-looking silhouette and even a graphic image meant to communicate that there is space for handicapable persons to enjoy the benefits of the room.

What got my attention, and made me break out laughing, was the placard posted outside a nearby door:

Okay...it was a military base and they probably would have felt silly putting the common, skirt-wearing silhouette outside the restroom designated for female personnel...fine. So was there really a need to give the male personnel a picture to help them recognize which door to go through? Like...the women can handle just reading but the men need an illustration?

Military intelligence, indeed.

Observed Absurdities™ 4 - Sexist Want Ads

The date was Monday, August 19, 1963. Barry Goldwater looked like he was going to be the GOP nominee for a 1964 run at the presidency against JFK. Don Drysdale had pitched a three-hitter for the L.A. Dodgers.

And The Des Moines Register printed a want ads section that was so sexist, it has shocked even me...someone who is about as politically correct as ... uh ... someone who isn't politically correct at all.

Thanks go out to co-worker and faithful reader, Queen CanDo, for finding this journalistic treasure while cleaning out some junque at her house and having the knowledge and forethought to pass it on into my What-The-Farnsworth-Am-I-Going-To-Write-About hands.

The most surprising thing, looking through the lens of 21st Century chronocentrism, is that the ads were divided into "Men Wanted" and "Women Wanted" sections...and we're NOT talking personal ads, my friends.

Coming as no surprise at all, however, are the differences between the jobs being offered to the different genders.

If you were a qualified male in 1963, you could apply for a job as: Accountant, Adjuster, Air Line Pilot (yes, that's three words), Auto and Truck Parts Man, Baker, Barber, Bellman, Bookkeeper, Bull Dozer Operator (yes, that's three words), Bus Boy, Claim Representative, Cab Driver, Casualty Underwriter, Chef, Clam Shell Operator, Concrete Block Plant Manager, Engineer, Farmhand, Finance Company Assistant Manager, Grill Cook, Hotel Night Clerk, Machinist, Mail Clerk, Management Trainee, Meat Department Manager, Pharmacist, Production Supervisor, Purchasing Agent, Sports Editor-Reporter, Tandem Truck Driver, Tool and Die Setter, TV Service Man, Welder...and this interesting item, "2 COLLEGE students to live in Funeral Home. 5 hours alternate evenings."

For the female of the species, the sky was the limit, as long as you set your sites on work as: Ad Check Clerk, Babysitter, Cashier, Cocktail Waitress, Cook, Dictaphone Operator, General Office, GIRLS who like to dance (Apply Marine Land) [Des Moines had a Marine Land?!!?], Housekeeper, Key Punch Operator, Model, Personnel Counselor, Pizza Helper, Room Clerk, Salad Girl, Saleslady, Secretary, Sewing Machine Operator, Stenographer, Telephone Contact Work for Dinner Club, Typist, Waitress, or a "WOMAN to work in Smitty's Donut Shop."

You HAVE come a long way, baby.

Of course, if it were me, I'd dress up as a girl to work in the donut shop, then sleep at the funeral home every other night.

Oscar Tweets

Up till now, me having a Twitter account (@deweyroth) was just a residual happenstance from me saying, “What’s up with all this tweeting I keep hearing about?” Last night, I decided to change all that and committed to sending my personal commentary on the telecast of the 84^th Annual Academy Awards into the World Wide Wackfest…140 characters at a time.

For those of you who missed it:

6:57 Central Time - @SteveMartinToGo and I will be keeping you up to speed on the Oscars. Or up to snuff...your vice of choice

Wait...what? I thought the Oscars started at 7:00 Central...There's still 1/2 hour of "ooh your dress is beautiful"? Going to pop corn...

Morgan Freeman could make a subway toilet classy.

Have fun storming' the Fuhrer!

The movie theaters of our youth? Mr. Crystal, did they HAVE movies when you were young?

Great montage

Jennifer Lopez is a great woman of faith...would have to be to believe she's not going to pop out of that dress

They should remake the Wizard of Oz...so Barbra Streisand could play the Cowardly Lion...no make-up required.

8:05 Those huge leaning Oscar torsos are kinda scary.

8:08 - Is anyone else feeling a little guilty for thinking that the Iranian's acceptance speech was a coded message?

No wonder Christian Bale uses an American accent in all his movies...I can't understand a thing he says in his normal voice.

HA! The sound editors made a joke: "Hugo." "No, HUgo."

8:27 - Why do I have to keep seeing that weird thang the Sarah Palin impersonator is wearing?

I was wondering when there was going to be a movie-themed commercial. Way to go, Diet Coke!

Cirque du Soleil's performance was "What it's like to go 2 the movies" Um, yeah...I always have people doing handstands on trapezes @ films

First honest laugh of the show...8:46...thank you, Chris Rock

Rango!!!!!!! yay!

Yes, one and all..."Brave" is looking like a must-see.

Emma Stone is bending over and is still taller than Ben Stiller.

9:10 - How does one become the president of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences?

9:12 - Sorry, I normally really like Billy Crystal, but he's doing a lot of laughing at his own stuph 2night

That was cool...the musical score winner took time to greet each of his co-nominees before taking the stage.

9:19 - We can send a man to the moon, but we can't convince people they don't need to bend over for the mic to pick up their voices.

Thank you, Angelina Jolie, for standing that way in that dress with those legs.

However, Angelina, your arms are freakishly 2-dimensional.

9:43 - Documentary short film...yeah, yeah, yeah...whatever.

So...were all the nominees instructed to talk about how much they love movies and when they first started watching them?

9:56 - Meryl Streep is presenting the Governor's award. ActorBoy says she's even beautiful without make-up.

Still waiting to see @tomhanks...where art thou, oh bosom buddy?

Watching the In Memoriam segment reminded me of the year the Emmys failed to recognize Larry Hovis' passing. AUGH!

"Sank-Q"

10:25 - Didn't Glenn Close play a man before? (See "Hook" for the guy thrown into the Boo Box.)

Actually, Meryl, over half of America was saying, "Yes, the Academy finally got it right (for a 3rd time)!"

10:36 - The producer of "The Artist" looks and sound like Peter Lorre. I'm just sayin'...

So much pomp & self-importance & so many Meaningful Statements & the show fizzles 2 an end with "Well, that's our show, goodnight everybody"?

Almost the News XV

Author Will Speak to Monthly Lunch
"It's like this," said Michele Hermansen, author of Unexpected Journeys, "When a person only eats a mid-day meal once a month, you kind of want to get to know it a little first."

Man Makes Plea in Beer-Dumping Case

To be specific, the man said, "PLEASE dump that case of beer in my fridge!"

Al-Maliki Bars Breakaway Provinces

The newest chocolate sensation is so popular, pieces of Canada are falling into the ocean.

Elephant Poaching Worst On Record

Johnny W. Muller, a regular patron at Dumbo's Diner: "I've been coming here for over a decade and I mean to tell you...I've never had eggs this bad before!"

Ex-leader's Spouse Wins Czech Asylum

The husband of jailed Ukrainian opposition leader Yulia Tymoshenko got the big prize in a recent raffle, and is quoted as saying, "I am likink the building, but what am I supposed to do whit all the crazy peoples livink dair?"

School Aide Gets Jail for Sex with Student, 16

You would think the aide would have gotten a motel room or something. The jail is an odd locale for that kind of activity.

Obama to Return Cash Tied to Mexican Fugitive

Seriously...if I have to explain why this headline made me pee a little, I'm not sure you should be reading this blog.