Geological Oddity at Niagara Falls!

Thursday's Saint Paul Pioneer Press printed an article by Thomas Kaplan of the New York Times: "A tightrope walk over Niagara Falls? Canada says it's OK"

There's probably a joke somewhere to be had about "tightrope walk" and "falls" being in the same sentence, or wondering where Canada gets off calling itself Oklahoma, but I'll let that go in favor of expressing shock, amazement, and disbelief about something that came later in the article.

The article itself was somehow cramming all the news covered in the headline into 17 paragraphs. Paragraph Number Nine states: "Wallenda plans to install the wire 60 to 70 feet above the 160-foot gorge, which will dip down in the middle, meaning he'll walk downhill during the first half of the 30- to 40-minute walk and uphill until the end."

Read that again carefully, and -- like me -- you may have two questions:

       1) Is it even possible to dip any way other than down?

       2) How would stringing a two-inch-thick cable cause a 160-foot gorge to dip in the middle?

Dewey is...

According to the World Wide Wackfest and a Rest in Him Ministry-helping search on GoodSearch.com, I am much more than meets the eye. Observe...

Dewey is best known for developing the theory of instrumentalism, which posits the value of an idea in relation to its practical consequences rather than as a transcendent truth.

Dewey is a cancer survivor.

Dewey is a must read for cat lovers, cat owners, library employees, and anyone who is having a hard time in life and needs some inspiration.

Dewey is adopted!

Dewey is the Welsh form of the masculine name, David.

Dewey is a first-team all-American.

Dewey is about 15 miles south of the Kansas border.

Dewey is new association executive for River Counties.

Dewey is a board certified cardiothoracic surgeon who specializes in the treatment of valvular related heart disease, cardiac transplantation, mechanical assist devices, and complex coronary artery disease.

Dewey is no Mr. Miyagi.

Dewey is a paraprofessional at Rush-Henrietta High School with severe arthritis pain.

Dewey is a year older than me. [Nice trick, eh?]

Dewey is scheduled for a settlement conference, or further case management on Tuesday.

Dewey is better looking than Jeeves.

Dewey is a co-founder of functional psychology.

Dewey is not just a party town.

Dewey is a member of the American Library Association's Hall of Fame.

Dewey is dating!

Dewey is not altogether forgotten.

Dewey is now old enough to be the president of Idaho.

Dewey is a dead man. [True, interestingly enough…see Galatians 2:20!]

Hello, Earworm, my old friend

This quarter's round-up of insidious melodies...

NOVEMBER

1 – Little Girl (The Beatles) J, P, G, & R at their most homicidal: “I’d rather see you dead little girl than to catch you with another man…You better run for your life if you can, little girl. Hide your head in the sand, little girl. Catch you with another man? That’s the end-duh, little girl.”

4 – Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Judy Garland) My, my, my…The Season certainly started early this year.

5 – Lay Down Sally (Eric Clapton)

16 – Bad Time to Be in Love (Grand Funk Railroad)

28 – Crocodile Rock (Sir Elton John)

DECEMBER

1 – Hey, Soul Sister (Train)

2 – Midnight Blue (Melissa Manchester) Behold, one of the few times I could actually identify how the morning’s earworm “was planted in my brain.” I heard this classic on the radio during my morning commute yesterday.

3 – It’s Not Easy Being Green (Jim Henson as Kermit) One of the most poignant performances, puppet or personal, of all time. (For the first-ever performance on Sesame Street, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIOiwg2iHio&feature=fvsr)

8 – You Make My Dreams Come True (Haulin’ Oats)

15 – Best of My Love (The Emotions) This is the 1977 disco-ish song, not the 1975 tune by the Eagles…which should give you a clue as to how irritated I’ve been since it popped into my head at 4:30 this morning!

16 – 1, 2, 3 (Len Barry) “It’s easy. (It’s so easy.) Like takin’ candy from a BAYbeeeeee…”

17 – Let’s Get It On (Marvin Gaye)

21 – I Want You to Want Me/All You Need is Love (Cheap Trick/Beatles) My marvelous morning mental mash-up

22 – Theme from “Three’s Company” (Yes, my subconscious is just that annoying.)

26 – Making Room (This is a worship song written by Dave Burkum and Jonathan Miller, two pastors at my church [www.valleycc.org] specifically for this Christmas season.

29 – What a Fool Believes/I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Face (Doobie Brothers/from My Fair Lady) And if you don’t think this made my morning bowl of Cheerios^® a strange experience…

JANUARY

1 – I Can Help (Billy Swan) “If your child needs a daddy…”

5 – Have You Never Been Mellow? (Olivia Neutron Bomb)

11 – Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing (Stevie Wonder)

19 – (Last Night) I Didn’t Get to Sleep at All (The 5^th Dimension) While I wasn’t all that happy about having this swimming laps in my head all morning, I was glad to be able to say it wasn’t true.

21 – Every Woman in the World (Air Supply)

25 – In the Mood (Glenn Miller) And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

27 – Running on Empty (Jackson Browne) It’s not a good sign when this is the first thing in your head in the morning.

28 – All Night Long (Lionel Ritchie)

30 – Your Name (Phillips, Craig and Dean)

A Cure for What Ailed Me

I was taken aback recently when I read the following newspaper advertisement:

Twas the night before Christmas [okay, I was taken aback about a month ago...] and all through the town, not a creature was stirring, except for a firefighter, a nurse, a doctor, a plant manager, and office worker...some of them struggling to stay awake throughout the night shift...

Supporting those of you who stay awake for the rest of us

NUVIGIL is a prescription medicine used to improve wakefulness in adults who experience excessive sleepiness (ES) due to shift work disorder (SWD). Ask your doctor about ES due to SWD and if NUVIGIL could be right for you.

Several things add to my taken abackedness:

1) The condition of being really, really sleepy now has its own acronym?!?

2) While I can understand the brand name, NUVIGIL (when I stop pronouncing it "noovih-gill" and start saying "new vigil"), I'm puzzled as to why the generic name for this world-saving substance is ARMODAFINIL...sounds like a cross between an armadillo and a flower. Unless maybe instead of "armo DAF ih nill" it's supposed to be "armo da final"...like preparing a student for a very important test.

3) For nine years, I worked from 11:00 at night to 7:30 in the morning. (Not doing anything nearly as important or exciting as fighting fires, tending the sick, or managing -uh- plants; no, no, no...I was proofreading prospectuses for mutual funds.) All that time, I thought my being really, really sleepy was due to a) not getting a good day's sleep; and b) the extremely boring (EB) nature of my duties (MD). As it turns out, it was a medical condition! I was suffering from SWD! I could have joined the ranks of women everywhere who blame their innate crabbiness on PMS and declared, "Hey! It's not my fault I keep falling asleep and writing nonsensical marginal notes like 'bold, no sugar;' I've got SWD!"

4) The fine print is rather worrisome: NUVIGIL may cause serious side effects including a serious rash or a serious allergic reaction that may affect parts of your body such as your liver or blood cells, and may result in hospitalization and be life-threatening.

Seriously? But hey, baby, you'll be awake!

If you develop a skin rash, hives, sores in your mouth, blisters, swelling, peeling, or yellowing of the skin or eyes, trouble swallowing or breathing, dark urine, or fever, stop taking NUVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help.

Gee...ya think?!? "My eyes are yellow and peeling, and I can't really breathe, but gimme those pills so I can stay awake for what is apparently my imminent death."

Do not drive a car or do other dangerous activities until you and your doctor know how NUVIGIL affects you.

Translation: We're marketing this as a way to do battle with ES due to SWD, but until you pop these pills in your mouth and swallow them, it's only a best guess as to what it will do to you. That'll be $49.99, please.

And now you know why it's called Practicing Medicine (PM).

Crashing Through Writer's Block

Come on, Mister Creative, sit down and write
Make the world chuckle and don't take all night
Do it in prose, do it in rhyme
Do it in doo-doo; just do it in time!

The good news is, it won't have to make sense
You're long past the time when you tore down that fence
Create a laugh, a snicker, a groan

Tell of a prank to perform on the phone

No need to inspire much wonder or awe

Just pass on the tale of your latest faux pas

Or make something up from when you were a youth

It's okay to lie; this is Almost the Truth

The 12 Days After Christmas

On the first day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven days to take down the tree

On the second day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Warmed broccoli casserole
And six days to take down the tree

On the third day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Left-over ham
Warmed broccoli casserole
And five days to take down the tree

On the fourth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Spoiled eggnog
Left-over ham
Warmed broccoli casserole
And four days to take down the tree

On the fifth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And three days to take down the tree

On the sixth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And two days to take down the tree

On the seventh day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And one day to take down the tree

On the eighth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight ultimatums
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And a dirty look for leaving up the tree

On the ninth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine nasty notes
Eight ultimatums
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And a dirty look for leaving up the tree

On the tenth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten disgusted sighs
Nine nasty notes
Eight ultimatums
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Moldy broccoli casserole
And a dirty look for leaving up the tree

On the eleventh day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven ‘Lord, have mercy’s
Ten disgusted sighs
Nine nasty notes
Eight ultimatums
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Moldy broccoli casserole
And a dirty look for leaving up the tree

On the twelfth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve home-baked cookies
Eleven love notes
Ten mended socks
Nine happy hugs
Eight sexy kisses
Seven stunning smiles
Six little giggles
Time to myself
Four Dr. Peppers
Beef on a bun
Sweet potato fries
And a ‘Thank you, dear, for taking down the tree’

My 2012 Headline Wish List

Not likely to happen, but it would warm every cockle my heart has to see these headlines sometime this year...

Firefly and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Return to Television

Ocean's Fourteen in Post-Production, Ready for Late-Summer Release

Kardashians Fade Into Obscurity

Delta Announces $50 Flights to NYC

Minnesota's First Winter With No Snowfalls Over 3 Inches

Valley Park Neighborhood Oddly Quiet on July 4th

Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol Visits Local Blogger

The House and Senate Work Together and Actually Accomplish Something Positive

...namely...

Political Advertising Outlawed

Now, only outlaws will run political ads...wait...what's new about that?