Almost the News XXVIII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Charges Filed Over Stolen Tax Returns
State Attorney Lokk M. Allup said, "It was an elaborate set-up involving pulleys and hydraulic lifts, but we were able to file the charges in the exact location we wanted."

Record-Breaking Coho Salmon Caught
"The slippery devil smashed all my Beatles albums! But we've got him now!"

Moderate Republicans Bring Down Jim Jordan
Yeah, they don't do anything for MY mood, either.

Superintendent Finalists 'Very Strong'
School board member, A. Roma Picky, says, "I can smell them from across town."

Author Drew on Seedy People from Childhood
Starting at the age of 7, Vincent Patrick practiced his limited artistic skills on the arms and faces of the ne-er-do-wells in his neighborhood. A local art critic has been quoted as saying it was "a blessing he turned to writing. His sense of perspective was abysmal."

Scientist in Hawaii Was Cloning Pioneer
Mac A. Damian died recently while on the verge of a breakthrough in his efforts to genetically copy Daniel Boone.

MN Man's Body Recovered from WI Lake; 1 Still Missing
Sheriff Brody stated: "That lake was right here a minute ago, but now...?"

Lake Elmo Drops Its City Administrator
File Under: Some jokes just write themselves

Observed Absurdities™ 65 - Pigfish Restaurant?

 

I have a hard enough time deciding on what to eat at a new restaurant. Imagine my dismay when met with the choices available at the home of this sign:

• Eel Cutlets
• Sardine Chops
• Baby Back Barracuda
• Octopus Loin
• Herring Bacon
• Crab Sausage
• Oysters on the Half Hoof

Beware Boys!: The 413th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Way back in 1956, a little motion picture aspired to be "the rockingest, rollingest shindig" anyone had ever seen. So they filled the cast with a truckload of music stars...not the least of which was Little Richard. They even got him to sing the title song.

With a title like The Girl Can't Help It, the natural question to ask is, "What can't she help?" The song lyric supplies the answer:

If she walks by, the men folks get engrossed

If she winks an eye, the bread slice turn to toast

She got a lot of what they call the most

She mesmerizes every mother's son

If she's smiling, beefsteak become well done

She make grandpa feel like twenty-one

The girl being sung about is Jayne Mansfield, well-known for being well-endowed. In fact, to include her complete figure in the frame, they had to film the whole movie in CinemaScope.

That's a lotta girl...but she can't help it.

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. IV

 

Ron Howard has included the place of conception in the names of his children (e.g., Bryce Dallas Howard)

The producers of Golden Girls wanted Betty White to take the role of senior citizen sex kitten, Blanche, but she refused, giving life to the dim-witted Rose instead. White said that Blanche would have been too much like her previous TV role, Sue Anne Nivens, on Mary Tyler Moore.

At the end of every episode of Glenn Campbell's television variety show, he said, "Keep the latch string out and the dog tied up, 'cause I'm coming home!"

Jerry Garcia (from the Grateful Dead) played the pedal steel guitar for Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young's "Teach Your Children".

Disney should make A Frozen Christmas Carol. Here's the tagline for it: With Elsa as the Ghost of Christmas Future, the phrase "cold as hell" becomes literally accurate.

The Chinese word for "crisis" is comprised of the symbols for "dangerous" and "opportunity".

Debrief = The opposite of a wedgie

♪♫ Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Does whatever a spider can. Spins a web any size. Catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spider-Man. Is he strong? Listen, bud, he's got radioactive blood. Can he swing from a thread? Take a look overhead. Hey there! There goes the Spider-Man! In the chill of night at the scene of a crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! Welcomed, then he's ignored. Action is his reward. To him, life is a great big hang-up. Wherever there's a bang-up, you'll find the Spider-Man!♫♪

Gag Reel:

I used Bing's AI creative chat feature to create the above graphic of Elsa and Scrooge McDuck, but here's its first attempt:

And then I asked it to make Elsa look more threatening and Holy Farnsworth!