Say What You Mean, Please

ARGH...

Have you ever wanted to complain and whine and moan about a pet peeve, but you knew that the minute you did you would come across as a smart aleck, wiseacre, hoopty-doofus?

And besides, you've always said you wanted to have your blog be a mostly-positive, keeping-it-light, hey-man-you're-not-the-only-clam-in-the-chowder kind of place.

But sometimes...sometimes you've just got to step outside the subjective virtual walls you've encased yourself in and tell the world there is something Definitely Not Right going on and we must do whatever we can to make it stop.

So okay...here goes...

My friends, you do NOT mean you "could care less." The actual factual fact of the matter is...the idea you are trying to convey...is that you could NOT care less; that you do not care at all; that your level of caring is so low that there is no level of caring lower.

Make the world a better place...stop the insanity.

You May Not Be Awake Right Now

In the early days of my addiction to Facebook, there was a "thing" that went around where a person would grab the nearest book, turn to page 56, and copy the fifth sentence as his or her status.

It mostly resulted in a lot of random non-sequiturs like "But the owl lay motionless and pathetic as a toy on the floor of her cage" (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows),  "His plans are far from ripe, I think, but they are ripening" (The Fellowship of the Ring), and "We ordered this huge pizza and it took like forever to get there and when it got there the guy had this huge zit on his chin!" (Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries, and Smart Alecks).

But every once in a while, you would come upon something truly thought provoking; something that would make you stop in your tracks and reconsider your understanding of the cosmos; something that made you laugh and wonder how anyone could have ever committed such a phrase to paper.

Something like this, from U.S. News & World Report, Vol 145, No 14:

"After taking AMBIEN CR, you may get up out of bed while not being fully awake and do an activity that you do not know you are doing."

Sign me up for some-o-dat!

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Twitter

Had you been following me on Twitter (@deweyroth), you would have already chuckled at these gems (he said, oh so humbly).

• “UberFacts: Hitler was saved from drowning by a priest when he was 4-years-old.” Great...so now WWII is the Catholic church's fault?
• “Factsionary: Mephobia is the fear of becoming so awesome that the human race won't be able to handle it.” This keeps me from my potential.
• “UberFacts: The average person will spend a year of their life looking for misplaced items.” Mine was 1987.
• “UberFacts: The longest recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.” Who's going around RECORDING such things?
• “Factsionary: Skippin brkfst makes it hardr 2burn calories. a piece of chocolate w/your brkfst makes it easier.” Chocolate donut=perfect!
• “NotCommonFacts: The average person spends 3 years of their lives on the toilet.” I've had days like that.
• “Factsionary: Eating toast 30 minutes before going to bed can help you sleep better.” Unless you eat it IN bed. 
• “UberFacts: McDonald's salads are actually more fattening than their burgers.” See? I'm eating healthy!
• “NotCommonFacts: French kissing exchanges more bacteria than licking the inside of a toilet bowl in a public restroom.” THAT'S attractive!
• “UberFacts: The average chocolate bar contains eight insect legs.” Protein! Power!
• “UberFacts: “Grammar Pedantry Syndrome” is a form of OCD in which sufferers need to correct every grammatical error.” Ma! I got a Syndrome!

• “UberFacts: J.K. Rowling considered killing Ron Weasley in the middle of the “Harry Potter” series.” Funny...so did I.
• “UberFacts: Marijuana was used to treat absent-mindedness in Ancient China.” It didn't cure it, but at least people weren't bothered by it
• “neverknownfacts: Being able 2 respond with sarcasm within seconds of a stupid question is a sign of a healthy brain.” I am WAY too healthy.
• “NotCommonFacts: People with weird personalities make the best friends.” And there you have it...I'm a great friend!
• “NotCommonFacts: The weirder you can be around someone the closer you are.” or the other way around.  
• “Factsionary: Nicolas Cage was originally chosen for the role of Shrek.” Him NOT doing it is proof God exists.
• “UberFacts: The amount of words tweeted on Twitter every day would fill a 10-million-page book.” ...that would drive a proofreader insane.

An Unappetizing Suggestion

In an effort to make my Bitstrip experience more Cutting Edge and Dangerous To The Long-Term Health Of [My] Marriage, I tried to create an avatar for Beloved the other day.

I was taken aback when I reached the following screen:

From the Mouths of Babes

The following is based on a true story.

It was Christmas. Our hearts were light and our bellies were full. We were sitting at the table and SkittleKid (Grandson No. 1) was being prompted to look around the table and recite everyone's names:

"Who is that?"

"ActorBoy."

"That's right, and who is this?"

"TheWind."

"Good! And her?"

"KayJay."

KayJay was in the midst of nursing Granddaughter No. 1, SweetCheeks, and so the next question was, "And who is KayJay holding?"

SkittleKid tilted his head toward the floor and grinned, but remained silent.

"SkittleKid, who is KayJay holding?"

A stifled chuckle.

"What's the baby's name, SkittleKid?"

Lifting his face, and with a big smile, he proclaimed to the gathered masses, "Jesus!"

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

'Twas a merry Christmas, indeed.