Headlines We're Not Likely to See This Year

The new year is traditionally a time for taking a hopeful look toward the future: How will this year be different from the last one?

Allow me to offer this short collection of newspaper headlines that I would eagerly welcome, though I sincerely doubt any of them will ever come to pass:

• Al Gore Suffers Heat Exhaustion
• Gasoline Producers Admit Price Gouging; Offer Rebates
• Jay Leno Ceases to Repeat His Punchlines
• Political TV Ads Banned
• Watterson Restarts Calvin & Hobbes
• Britney, Paris, & Lindsay--Nevermind...We Don't Care

Ahhh...a man can dream, can't he?