Friday, July 26, 2019

We're Bouncing to Graceland

I have learned SO MUCH by studying the lyrics of the 485th greatest song of all time, "Graceland", by Paul Simon.

The Mississippi Delta was shining
Like a National guitar

I originally thought we were talking about the southern end of the mighty Mississippi, way down yonder in New Orleans, but the World Wide Wackfest informs me the Mississippi Delta is the northwest section of the state of Mississippi, between the rivers Mississippi and Yazoo, just south of Memphis on US 61.

I am following the river down the highway
Through the cradle of the civil war

I originally thought we were talking about Charleston, South Carolina, where Fort Sumter was fired upon and the Civil War began. I even have corroboration from the BBC that Charleston is the "cradle of the Civil War." But now? Well, now I still think that, which makes it seem Mr. Simon is playing fast and loose with geography.

My traveling companion is nine years old
He is the child of my first marriage

Harper Simon was born September 7, 1972, so the timing of the roadtrip being referenced would be late 1981 or the first half of 1982...six years after Paul's divorce from Harper's mother, a year or so before his marriage to Carrie Fisher, and five years before the song was recorded.

But I've reason to believe
We both will be received
In Graceland

Pretty sure there's no minimum age requirement to visit Elvis' home.

There is a girl in New York City
Who calls herself the human trampoline

I originally thought we were talking about something akin to the lines in Simon's earlier song, "The Boxer," about finding some comfort with some particular females on 7th Avenue, New York City.

And sometimes when I'm falling, flying
Or tumbling in turmoil I say
Woah, so this is what she means

Nope...I'm pretty sure that's not what she means.

She means we're bouncing into Graceland

REALLY sure that's not what she means.

And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody feels the wind blow

I originally thought this song was about a field trip to Elvis' home, but now I see it's about the breakup of Simon's first marriage and how he knows it's affecting his current relationships.

In Graceland, Graceland
I'm going to Graceland
For reasons I cannot explain
There's some part of me wants to see
And I may be obliged to defend
Every love, every ending
Or maybe there's no obligations now
Maybe I've a reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

I originally thought this series of posts about Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time was going to be nothing but a barrel of laughs, and then Paul Simon comes along and sings of forgiveness and moving on from loss...and I've a reason to believe there may actually be a bit of redeeming social value to what I write after all.

Friday, July 19, 2019

Grossest Films, Part Final

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the last 25...

Smokey and the Banjo (1977)  -  Burt Reynolds gets Jackie Gleason to squeal like a pig.
Beauty and the Baste (2017)  -  French girl learns to cook. ♪♫ "There goes the butcher with my roast, like always." ♫♪
Binding Dory (2016)  -  "Somebody got to nail dat girl's fins to the floor."
West Wing Story (1961)  -  ♪♫ "When you're the staff's chief, you're the chief all the way. From your first press conference till they haul you away." ♫♪
Close Encounters of the Turd Kind (1977/1980)  -  Alien primates fling feces at Richard Dreyfuss.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone (2001)  -  This, too, shall pass.
Wady and the Twamp (1955)  -  Elmer Fudd catches his wife with a hobo, even though they were being veeewy quiet.
Lawrence of Arabica (1962)  -  An epic tale of Larry the barista.
The Rocky Horror Spitoon Show (1975)  -  Wear your rain ponchos, friends. This could get messy.
Ricky (1976)  -  A Cuban boxer from Philly goes the distance. "Adrian! You got some splaining to do!"
The Best Tears of Our Lives (1946)  -  Three WWII veterans have a really good cry.
The Poseidon Ad Venture (1972)  -  A luxury cruise ship embarks on a daring public relations scheme.
The Lord of the Wings: The Fellowship of the Buffalo Sauce (2001)  -  How B. Dubs got its start.

Twister (1996)  -  Before Battleship, there was this game-based winner.
Men in Back (1997)  -  Pre-Rosa-Parks public transportation.
The Bridge On That River Guy (1957)  -  River Phoenix gets some dental work in a prisoner-of-war camp.
FormerTrans: Revenge of the Fallopian  (2009)  -  Gender fluidity run amok.
It's a Mad, Med, Mid, Mod, Mud World (1963)  -  Fun with vowels.
Sims Family Robinson (1960)  -  A computer-generated family learns to survive in the real world.
One Chew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)  -  A single-mother bird regurgitates the best she can.
M*E*S*H (1970)  -  It's the stockade for Hawkeye and Trapper John when they make the nurses' shower see-through.
Indiana Jones and the Shirley Temple of Doom (1984)  -  Loveable moppet is turned into a zombie.

Avengers: Age of Teflon (2015)  -  Government officials try to prosecute our favorite superheroes, but they can't get the charges to stick.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Scones (2002)  -  Anakin Skywalker throws hard pastries.
Boy Story 3 (2010)  -  Andy goes to college and lies to his mom about his relationship with the Kenner triplets.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Grossest Films, Part Penultimate

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the third 25...

Armenian Graffiti (1973)  -  Cruising the streets of Yerevan while listening to "Back in the U.S.S.R."
The Rube (1953)  -  A country bumpkin links a Roman soldier, his Christian love interest, and a Greek slave.
Pilates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Core (2006)  -  It IS possible to exercise yourself to death.
Around the Mall in 80 Days (1956)  -  The merry mix-ups that occur when a busload of Alzheimer patients are accidentally let loose in the world's largest shopping center.
Hambi (1942)  -  Rebooting the Bambi franchise; financed by the American Pork Producers.
Glazing Saddles (1974)  -  Krispy Kreme gets introduced to the Old West.
Catman (1989)  -  Bruce Wayne is terrorized by his aunt's feline obsession and becomes a crime-fighter. "Holy hairballs, Catman!"
The Tells of St. Mary's (1945)  -  St. Mary unsuccessfully competes in a poker tournament.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Bling (2003)  -  All of Aragorn's stolen jewelry is recovered.
Blinding Nemo (2003)  -  A small clownfish stares into a bright light just a little too long.
The Cowering Inferno (1974)  -  The strange tale of a frightened fire.
Brogue One: A Scottish Star Wars Story (2016)  -  "Aye, and I've got a wee bit o' a bad feelin' about this."
Cinderumbrella (1950)  -  A nasty stepmother burns a parasol.
Spider-Hand 2 (2004)  -  A boy gets bit by a radioactive arachnid and grows three extra fingers on each hand.

My Chair Lady (1964)  -  An English professor teaches a cockney merchant how to sit properly.
The Greatest Flow on Earth (1952)  -  A documentary about the Amazon.
National Lampoon's Hannibal House (1978)  -  This frat house is full of misfit cannibals.
The Pass Play of the Christ (2004)  -  A fantasy film that imagines what the NFL would be like if Jesus was a quarterback.
Hemorrhoid Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sit (2005)  -  It's time for the Jedi to stand up for what they believe in.
Bic to the Future (1985)  -  A wacky, old scientist sends a disposable lighter to 1955 and back again.

The Lord of the Bathtub Rings: The Two Showers (2002)  -  Multiple attempts to clean Frodo's hands and fingernails.
The Dark Knight Prizes (2012)  -  Batman hands out awards for excellence in raspy vocalizations.
The Sick Sense (1999)  -  "I see almost-dead people."
Supertan (1978)  -  Sidney Poitier's third outing as Mr. Tibbs. This time, he's faster than a speeding bullet.
Tootsie Roll (1982)  -  Dustin Hoffman returns as the cross-dressing soap star, but he/she has gained a little weight.

Friday, July 5, 2019

Rolling Stone Magazine Has Gone Insane

I have proof that the editors of Rolling Stone have lost their collective grasp on reality.

How do I know this, you ask?

Observe the song they gave the admittedly-dubious honor of being the 486th greatest song of all time: "How Soon is Now?" by The Smiths.

Points against this choice:

1.  I had never even heard of this song before finding it on YouTube for this blog-post.

2.  Once I found it and listened to it, I immediately decided to NOT post a link to it in this blog-post.

3.  I also immediately wanted to pour acid in my ears before even taking the time to write this blog-post.

4.  A group called The Smiths that doesn't consist of family members by that name is signaling to us that they don't really care what you call them and they don't deserve a shout-out in this blog-post.

5.  This sample of the song's lyric:

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home and you cry and you want to die

6.  I now have to go wash my hands...just because of typing those words into this blog-post.

7.  I rest my case.