Friday, March 24, 2017

Stupid Stories™: Alligator Shoes

When I was in my twenties (back when the Earth's crust was still cooling), I lived in Florida and worked at a shoe store, and I'll never forget one particular customer.

She was fairly good looking, which is an excellent memory aid all by itself, but the real reason she sticks in my head is because of how strongly she reacted when I told her how much the alligator shoes she was wanting would cost.

"HOW much?!!?" she screamed.

I repeated my clear, distinct reading of the price tag.

"That's ridiculous! Can't you give me some kind of discount? Isn't there a 'buy one shoe, get the second one free' thing going on?"

As calmly as possible, I replied, "I'm sorry, but no. That's the price I have to charge for those shoes."

She loudly announced that she would get her OWN pair of alligator shoes, spun around, and left in a huff. (It was a late model Huff; had a dark cherry red finish with a spoiler on the rear.)

My route home ran along a levee, and as I was enjoying the view to my right, I noticed the cranky customer, standing knee-deep in swamp water, holding a shotgun.

"Good NIGHT!" I thought, "She's really trying to get alligator shoes do-it-yourself style!"

Well, I just HAD to see this, so I pulled over to the side of the road, got out, leaned against my car's fender, and watched.

It wasn't long before I noticed a large alligator slowly swimming toward her from behind. I was about to warn her when she spun around, snapped the gun to her shoulder, and blasted the amphibian right between its eyes.

She waded over to the dead gator and pulled it to shore, where she huffed and puffed and grunted and strained to get it out of the water. Then she dragged it over to where, I just noticed, there were three or four other alligators, all belly-up in the grass.

She got down on her knees and shoved the beast onto its back, took one look at it, raised her face to the sky and screamed, "You've gotta be kidding me! THIS one is barefoot, too!"

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