Friday, December 23, 2016

Stupid Stories™: One Wish

I was shopping for a "white elephant" Christmas gift this week and found an old oil lamp at Goodwill that I deemed worthy.

I took it home, and as I was cleaning it up a little, an honest-to-goodness genie appeared!

"Thank you, master, for freeing me from the lamp," intoned the genie. "It is my duty and pleasure to grant you one wish."

As you can imagine, I was fairly shocked. "One wish?!?? What happened to three wishes? I thought a genie always granted three wishes! You mean to tell me that Disney's Aladdin isn't historically accurate?!?"

The genie shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, the economy's been in the dumper for a while now, you know? The union had to make concessions."

"Wow. Bummer."

"Tell me about it. So...what'll it be? Riches? Fame? A restored hairline?"

Doing my best to ignore that last suggestion, I said, "I know exactly what I want! Ever since Steve McGarrett first told Danno to "Book 'em," I've wanted to visit Hawaii. The problem is, I'm deathly afraid of flying, and just the thought of spending three days in a ship crossing the ocean makes me lose my lunch. But I like to drive, so Genie, I wish for you to build a road from California to Hawaii!"

The genie's eyes grew as big as pineapples, and he said, "Are you insane?!!? Do you realize how much concrete and asphalt that would take? And how many miles deep the pylons would have to go? Not to mention the environmental impact and needing to compensate for ocean's crazy...I just can't do it!"

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed, but I had a backup plan.

"Well, if that's too difficult for you, I've got something else I've always wanted...and I don't think it will take any manual labor on your part at all. You see...I've been married for several years, and I love my wife completely...but...well...I don't really understand her. It's not just her, mind you. All women are confusing to me. So I guess my wish would be to be able to understand women."

The genie got out a piece of paper and a pencil and asked, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge to Hawaii?"

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