Friday, December 9, 2016

Christmas Song Scandal Exposed!

It's the most wonderful time of the year; the hap-happiest season of all; and yet...

When else but Christmas would you ever hear a musical reenactment of something very close to a sexual assault?

No, seriously...have you ever paid attention to the words of Baby, It's Cold Outside?

Written by Frank Loesser in 1944, and winning the Oscar for Best Original Song, Baby is a confrontational conversation between someone wanting to hold on to their virtue and someone...well...not so interested in moral purity  -  characterized in the original printed score as Mouse and Wolf.

Try to hold in your outrage as the Wolf subtly manipulates the Mouse into a resistance-wrecking state of insobriety.
I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there Are we talking roofies?!?
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell I'll take your hat, your coat, your shoes, etc., etc.
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride The old Don't You Feel Sorry For Me ploy, eh?
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm Trying to scare the Mouse into staying
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious Flattery might get you somewhere
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me You see? Now it's the Mouse's fault!
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out Going in for the kill. Time to seal the deal.
Ahh, but it's cold outside

And if you're interested, here's the original version from the film Neptune's Daughter, featuring Ricardo Montalban, Esther Williams, Red Skelton, and Betty Garrett:

AND BY THE WAY...what the farnsworth does this song have to do with Christmas, anyway?!!?

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