Friday, October 28, 2016

Scary Romance

With Halloween coming up in just a few days, it seems that every movie theater and cable channel in the world is showing movies full of horror and suspense. So much so, the supply is rapidly running short.

In an effort to keep the screams coming, I've been commissioned to remake some popular romantic comedies into scary movies. Here's my list of projects:

  • Lifeless in Seattle
  • Bridget Jones's Diary of Death
  • Moulin Gouge!
  • There's Something About Manson
  • My Best Friend's Wedding Massacre
  • How to Kill a Guy in 10 Days
  • Under the Tuscan Soil
  • 13 Going on 30: Serial Killer on the Loose
  • Nick and Norah's Infinite Hitlist
  • The Wedding Slayer
  • Pretty Dead Woman
  • You've Got a Mail Bomb
  • When Harry Stabbed Sally
  • My Big Fat Zombie Wedding

Friday, October 21, 2016

STAR WARS a la DocumentCzar

I recently constructed a dummy document to use as a demonstration on how to do some stuph at DocumentCzar that doesn't really matter and you wouldn't really care about except that it resulted in the following totally-fake procedural instructions.

9.  Implement Phase

9.1  A New Hope
     9.1.1  Prepare the Droids for Transport

          1.  Insert plans for Death Star into R2D2.

          2.  Record poor-quality hologram message.
          3.  Get shot by the only storm trooper in the whole Evil Empire who can actually hit the broad side of a barn.

     9.1.2  Droid Capture and Blog Download

          1.  Get transported to Uncle Owen’s Moisture Farm.
                a.  Leave a crashed escape pod, with spare parts from your self-repair kit, in plain view for storm troopers to find.
                b.  Wander through sand dunes; forgetting that, according to prequels, you can fly.
                c.  Find a band of fly-infested scavengers and let them electrocute you.
                d.  Shut down and enjoy the ride.
          2.  Download funny blogs from the WorldWideWackfest:
                a.  Determine which article is desired.
                Note: There may be a long pause before understanding particular jokes.
                b.  Right-click on the webpage, click Save as in the pop-up menu, and blah, blah, blah.
                Note: (Download will take some time to complete.)
          3.  Once the download is complete:
                a.  Hear your Uncle Owen call for you.
                b.  Trot out across a barren landscape while your heroic theme plays in the background.
                c.  Whine some nonsense about power converters.

9.2  The Empire Strikes Back
     9.2.1  Justifying Mark Hamill’s Damaged Face

Because Mark Hamill was in a serious car crash between the filming of A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, his face was roughed up a bit.

          1.  Invent an ice-cave monster.
          2.  Indicate Luke’s growing compatibility with The Force by having him telekinetically retrieve his lightsaber just in time to free his feet, but not soon enough to spare his face from a good slashing.

     9.2.2  Do More Stuff But Stop in the Middle of the Story So You End Up with a Trilogy

          1.  I love you.
          2.  I know.

9.3  Return of the Jedi

Ewoks are not applicable.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Observed Absurdities™ 26 - Wait a Minute, Maid

I bought a small bottle of Minute Maid apple juice the other day and something didn't look quite right.

I am fully prepared to accept that it's just me and my warped lateral thinking process, but does anybody else take the tag line under the logo a little too literally, digestive-system-wise, to fully enjoy drinking the contents?

Friday, October 7, 2016

Almost Movie Recaps

For a few years now, I've been writing mini reports on the books I read throughout the year and publishing them on my personal FaceBook page; three volumes a year. The thought recently struck me (ouch!) that it might be interesting to do that for the movies I watch, too. But holy farnsworth! What with streaming Netflix and my insatiable hunger for popcorn, that would be a LOT of movies. I'd have to publish way more often and write recaps that are way shorter...

The Count of Monte Cristo  -  Unjustly-jailed sailor pretends to be dead to get out of prison, and pretends to be nobility to get revenge.

The Wizard of Oz  -  Illegal immigrant kills one sister, then joins with three strangers to kill the other.

No Country For Old Men  -  Psycho guy in need of a new hairstyle kills people while on trail of a ton of cash. Totally ineffective Sheriff Tommy Lee Jones retires.

Zootopia  -  Snarky cartoon animals run around and do stuff. Only memorable scene was the sloths in the DMV, which was in the film's trailer, so why did I bother to watch this?

Finding Nemo  -  Neurotic cartoon fish finds Nemo.

Finding Dory  -  Neurotic cartoon fish finds Dory. Dory finds her parents. Pixar finds a cash cow.

Bourne Identity  -  Amnesiac wreaks havoc. Some spy-types have hissy-fits.

Avatar  -  Dances With Wolves meets Ferngully.

Titanic  -  Frustrated wife gets naked for sketch artist. Also, a boat sinks.

Million Dollar Baby  -  Female Rocky, with Clint Eastwood as Burgess Meredith.

Rocky  -  Male Million Dollar Baby with...yeah, you get it.