Friday, December 5, 2014

You'll Never Guess What Happened When The Weinermobile Visited The Zoo

I recently finished re-reading a book by Brent Olson, Letters from a Peasant. I had never heard of Olson before picking up this collection of essays in the bargain bin of my local Christian bookstore, but apparently he writes a syndicated newspaper column full of good humor and noble intentions. (You can check him and his books out by clicking here.) 

Because this book was part of the inspiration behind starting this blog, I'd like to share one of the chapters with you. It's called "Dancing Pig".

Some friends of mine in Lincoln, Nebraska, sent me a newspaper clipping. Evidently the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile was in town doing a promotion for hot dogs. The promotion was being held at the local zoo, with the idea being that a bunch of cute kids would show up to sing the hot dog jingle, "Oh I wish I were...." It seemed to be a fairly harmless idea. The Weinermobile would sell a few hot dogs; the zoo would get a few more people visiting that day. All in all a win/win situation. Nothing controversial about a hot dog, that's for sure.

Boy, what a fool I am.

There were a few other people participating in the day's activities. They were there to protest the use of pork in hot dogs. One of the people was wearing a pink fuzzy pig suit and carrying a sign that said something like, "Pigs aren't food, they're friends!"
If I were a better person, I would pass on this cheap and easy subject. I'm sure these people are very serious and making fun of them won't help anything.
On the other hand, I get paid to make fun of people and this is too good to pass up.
First of all, I've spent almost 40 years of my life in fairly close proximity to hogs. They are not my friends. When we're having a party, I don't scout the hog barns in the morning looking for the most athletic pigs in case we need more players for the volleyball games. I don't go bowling with my pigs, and if we played cards together, I'm pretty sure they would cheat, if they didn't eat the cards first.
It's not just me either. When Lewis and Clark headed for the west coast, they didn't saddle up their trusty sow Ginger to show them the way. Lassie does not have a sidekick named Buffy the Berkshire. Even cats, which are the psychopaths of the animal world, are...more friendly than hogs.
Scientists say hogs are very smart. So what? Brains aren't all they're cracked up to be. Richard Nixon was smart as a whip, but I wouldn't have invited him over to play volleyball either. I don't have an opinion on how he would have tasted in a hot dog.

No comments: