Friday, December 26, 2014

Dear Neighbor...

Here it is, the twenty-sixth, Christmas has come and gone
Time to take the decorations out of your front lawn

It's not that I don't appreciated the manger and the hay
I'm warding off them being here on baseball's opening day

I like the inflatable snowman and the twinkling icicle lights
And how it gives the luster of midday through all our December nights

I grin at the endless Peanuts® loop projected on your garage door
And the bass-heavy Mannheim Steamroller that rattles my kitchen floor

I like it all! I celebrate! No "Humbug" will you hear!
But could you please just take it down before spring thaw this year?

Friday, December 19, 2014

Almost Christmas Classics: Movies

Ah December! The time when television programmers can take a break and just broadcast the old reliables, knowing that we unwashed masses will settle down with our cups of eggnog or cocoa, in our kerchiefs and caps, and thoroughly enjoy it all.

Hallucinations turn an old miser into a giddy spendthrift.

Building and loan president becomes town's largest welfare recipient, while mobility-challenged mogul steals $8,000.

Good Samaritan manipulates Broadway star throughout a lustrous career, only to wind up losing money on a last-minute performance in a barn.

The merry mishaps of a weapons-of-minor-destruction-obsessed, myopic moppet.

Truth in advertising.

Natalie Wood whines her way into the heart of a lawyer who goes on to make a mockery of the American Justice System with the help of the United States Postal Service.

Lowbrow slapstick comedy with tinsel.

Fish-out-of-water man-boy with questionable wardrobe inexplicably wins the heart of a cute girl (which is the same description used for most Will Ferrell and Jerry Lewis movies). 

Documentary exposing Santa's animal cruelty and slave-labor practices.

Chronically-depressed child with egocentric dog blows his top when a jazz jam breaks out at play rehearsal. 

Friday, December 12, 2014

Almost the Truthlets, the Seventh

Let's recap the Status Updates seen relatively recently on the Almost the Truth PublishingTM Facebook page. It serves as a good way to remind you to go there, "Like" the page, and "Follow" it as well...then you can be all snooty and superior by having seen the next batch of these as they will have appeared almost every Wednesday.

It also serves to buy me another week before needing to come up with something original here.

  • This may just be a rumor, but we heard that the world came to an end 14 years ago...the present is all a dream that Stephen King had in 1997.
  • When the laxative kicks in, the tough get going.
  • Well, drop me from a tree and call me a nut!
  • And the Emmy goes to...the Enny...which leads inevitably to the Ohhy...
  • All have grinned and called sport the story that's odd.
  • With apologies, I admit that when someone says Wednesday is "Hump Day," my first thought has nothing to do with camels.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor interested in investing in orchards.
  • Dear Sherlock, If the game's a foot, then what is my hand?
  • All hood's rings must come from a hand.
  • If you can't stand the heat, move to Minnesota.
  • I now own won one.
  • Question everything! Except this instruction...THAT you have to adhere to unswervingly. (Hmmm...)
  • Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed, with ears so huge they were named Ned and Fred.
  • Why does Superman wear his underpants on the outside of his tights?
  • "Certainly, you can't be serious." "I AM serious, and don't call me Certainly."
  • We gather together to stuff all our faces / For turkey and taters we gladly give thanks / We lay down right after, piled high to the rafters / And promise to diet, or buy bigger Spanks.

Friday, December 5, 2014

You'll Never Guess What Happened When The Weinermobile Visited The Zoo

I recently finished re-reading a book by Brent Olson, Letters from a Peasant. I had never heard of Olson before picking up this collection of essays in the bargain bin of my local Christian bookstore, but apparently he writes a syndicated newspaper column full of good humor and noble intentions. (You can check him and his books out by clicking here.) 

Because this book was part of the inspiration behind starting this blog, I'd like to share one of the chapters with you. It's called "Dancing Pig".

Some friends of mine in Lincoln, Nebraska, sent me a newspaper clipping. Evidently the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile was in town doing a promotion for hot dogs. The promotion was being held at the local zoo, with the idea being that a bunch of cute kids would show up to sing the hot dog jingle, "Oh I wish I were...." It seemed to be a fairly harmless idea. The Weinermobile would sell a few hot dogs; the zoo would get a few more people visiting that day. All in all a win/win situation. Nothing controversial about a hot dog, that's for sure.

Boy, what a fool I am.

There were a few other people participating in the day's activities. They were there to protest the use of pork in hot dogs. One of the people was wearing a pink fuzzy pig suit and carrying a sign that said something like, "Pigs aren't food, they're friends!"
If I were a better person, I would pass on this cheap and easy subject. I'm sure these people are very serious and making fun of them won't help anything.
On the other hand, I get paid to make fun of people and this is too good to pass up.
First of all, I've spent almost 40 years of my life in fairly close proximity to hogs. They are not my friends. When we're having a party, I don't scout the hog barns in the morning looking for the most athletic pigs in case we need more players for the volleyball games. I don't go bowling with my pigs, and if we played cards together, I'm pretty sure they would cheat, if they didn't eat the cards first.
It's not just me either. When Lewis and Clark headed for the west coast, they didn't saddle up their trusty sow Ginger to show them the way. Lassie does not have a sidekick named Buffy the Berkshire. Even cats, which are the psychopaths of the animal world, are...more friendly than hogs.
Scientists say hogs are very smart. So what? Brains aren't all they're cracked up to be. Richard Nixon was smart as a whip, but I wouldn't have invited him over to play volleyball either. I don't have an opinion on how he would have tasted in a hot dog.