Friday, August 29, 2014

Don't Let The Door Hit Ya Where The Good Lord Split Ya

Unless something absolutely unexpected happened between when I wrote this and when it got posted (as in, now), Tuesday, September 30, will be my last day working for Big Brother, Inc. (BBI lost its bid on The New Contract and all of us goons working on The Old Contract are being let go: "This really makes the Executive Council feel bad. We'll think of you often as we continue to make our six-figure salaries.")

And so, this is my last chance to publish these work-related Bitstrip comics featuring Queen CanDo, aka Kim.

And since I'm officially in The Job Market, I wonder what it would be like to...


Starting over is never easy...

Links to my Linked In and Beyond profiles can be found here. I'm just sayin'...

Friday, August 22, 2014

The King Is Dead; Long Live The King

Long-time readers of this blog are familiar with the appellation with which I have saddled my dad...FlatulenceKing. It is a well-deserved title and one that he felt no shame in wearing.

The use of the past tense in that last sentence is no mistake, by the way. He Who Must Not Be Smelled has indeed passed from this life to the next...and the use of the word "passed" in that last sentence WAS a mistake, though a punny one.

Dad's LazyBoy is being donated to the research and development department of the local pesticide factory.

I owe a debt to my dad for his sense of humor and orneriness that lives on in me. Much of the twisted logic and politically incorrect so-what-osity that I inflict on you in this blog is his fault.

[Sure, Dewey...blame somebody who isn't around to defend themselves...]

I got to share a great story about FK at the memorial service. It came from one of his eleven grandchildren - my nephew, Todd - and is a tribute that fits well in a humor blog:

Grandpa meant a lot more to me than the too few visits and short talks over recent years would suggest. I was proud of him and his life, the way he was. I remember a story my dad told me from back when he and my mom were a young family. Grandpa was helping them move and they had packed up all their things; loaded the truck.  Old place was empty and it was time to start the truck and go. Grandpa said, "Wait, one thing." Goes back inside and unscrews all the light bulbs, takes them, "now we're ready." That's thorough.
(For a more-reverent thought on my dad's death, go to my other blog, "Truth Is...", by clicking here.)

Friday, August 15, 2014

Almost the News XXI

Gas Odor Caused School Evacuation
In a related story, school district nutritionist, Betty Fraapp, is planning some significant changes to the lunch menu.

Christie Aide Denies Knowledge of Plot
Republican Gov. Chris Christie's long-time press secretary told state lawmakers he had no idea where the governor planned to be buried.

Attorney of 12-Year-Old Stabbing Suspect Says She's Mentally Ill
She believes, however, that her disorder will not impair her ability to defend the suspect, as it apparently didn't get in the way of her passing the bar exam.

And a big thank you to Readers' Digest for the following actual factual headlines:

When tightrope walkers in Seoul traversed the river Han, the Washington Post wrote: "Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo"

When British politician Michael Foot was put in charge of a nuclear-disarmament committee, the Times wrote: "Foot Heads Arms Body

Friday, August 8, 2014

Raugh Out Roud

Many thanks to for documenting these sometimes politically incorrect, but always funny and Actual Factual translating-from-Japanese-to-English oddities.

  • The following people must be accompanied when taking the elevator: a) Children under seven years old. b) Sufferers of heart disease and hypertension. c) The blind, the pregnant, the moron and the psychopath.
  • AIM OF OUR SERVICE: If you take Jiaozuo as a hotel, we will be the attendants of the hotel and you can enjoy the courteous reception of being God.
  • The advertisement burns the child chicken.
  • Do not enter the dangerous!
  • A better future without blue sky and clear rivers is in our hands.
  • This freezer is out of control.
  • ATTENTION OUTBOUND PASSENGERS: The date stamped on the visa which you received from the embassy indicates the validity of the visa that you must use the visa within that period of time within which you must use the visa. It is not amount of time that you allowed to stay in the count. The length of stay is indicated on the immigration stamp upon your arrived.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Better Than Bacon

The World Wide Wackfest is famous for having a love affair with bacon. It has its own memes and websites and over six-and-a-half million FaceBook followers. There's even a fairly famous actor who is named after this processed-pork producer of palate pleasure.

This post, however, is not about bacon. It's about doing what has often been done with the word "bacon"...namely, replacing words within movie titles with it...with a food substance much nearer and dearer to my heart: CornNuts.

Let us revel, then, in the epic cinematic possibilities of these salty, crunchy bits of carbolisciousness...

  • The CornNuts Redemption
  • The Good, the Bad, and the CornNuts
  • Schindler's CornNuts
  • 12 Angry CornNuts
  • CornNuts Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • The Lord of the CornNuts
  • The CornNuts Strike Back
  • CornNuts of the Jedi
  • The Silence of the CornNuts
  • Raiders of the Lost CornNuts
  • Indiana Jones and the CornNuts of Doom
  • Indiana Jones and the Last CornNuts 
  • CornNuts to the Future
  • CornNuts Unchained 
  • Eternal CornNuts of the Spotless Mind
  • Monty Python and the Holy CornNuts
  • Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking CornNuts
  • Butch Cassidy and the CornNuts Kid
  • No CornNuts for Old Men
  • The CornNuts of Wrath
  • Harry Potter and the Chamber of CornNuts
  • CornNuts and the Beast
  • Saving Private CornNuts