Friday, June 28, 2013

Stand Back! He's Gonna Blow!

You know me, right? I'm generally a good-natured, laid-back kind of guy, aren't I? I try to keep things around here fairly light and friendly and positive, don't I?

Yeah...well...variety is the spice of get ready for a temporary change of pace...

I left for work a few minutes early the other day so I could stop by the local big-box food retailer, formerly known as a Grocery Store, and return ActorBoy's already-two-days-late DVD of Jack Reacher to the Redbox kiosk just inside the doors.

Being fairly early in the morning, it was no surprise to see only two cars in the parking lot, both parked close to the entrance. I was merrily heading toward the next open spot, glad to be finding what we in the Roth Household call a "pull-through" (where you can drive into a parking spot and just "pull through" to the facing spot, making it possible to drive forward when you leave, instead of needing to back out).


As I was pulling into the slot, and my line of sight passed the rear of the already-parked car, I saw that some idio - ahem - person left their grocery cart in the middle of what was supposed to have been my pull-through spot. Two parking spaces away from the cart corral, and some goomba with guacamole for brains couldn't be bothered to put their cart away before driving off; no doubt at an advanced rate of speed, with black smoke billowing from a non-muffled tailpipe attached to their gas-guzzler with twist-ties and chewing gum.

Not only that, but there were grocery carts blocking the next two spots as well, so I just parked right there and took the offending carts into the store with me; confident that I would still be able to pull forward through the now-empty parking spot my car was facing.


23.4 seconds later, having returned the DVD, I left the store to see that had parked in that slot, blocking me from my hasty departure. 387 other open spots in the lot, and this...individual had to park grill-to-grill with me?!!?

And then to top it all off, I bent my house key while doing a little detail work on the side of their passenger door.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Mismanage a Thrown Fur (More Fun with Anagrams)

Thanks to my favorite Internet anagram engine, I have found some hidden meanings in terms near and dear to my heart.

  • Blog Writer = Bit Growler
  • Skyline Chili = Ice Hilly Skin (apparently, medical instructions for any allergic reaction)
  • Doctor Pepper = Drop Pot, Creep
  • Almost the Truth = Halt Hotter Smut
  • Earworm = Arrow Me
  • Giant Step Theatre = Sight Pet Anteater (which is almost an aardvark; which is an inside joke for GST alums)
  • Lord of the Rings = Short Log Finder
  • Former Youth Pastor = Perform a Rusty Hoot
  • Jesus Follower = Flee Sour Jowls; Jewels for Soul
  • Debbie's Husband = Hide Snubbed Abs

Friday, June 14, 2013

If U R What U Eat, I Wanna B THIS

There's a restaurant chain, famous for their ice cream, named Friendly's, and while a person's arteries and heart might not think the name fits, I'm feeling particularly friendly about a particular sandwich they introduced in 2010.

Everybody loves a good old, all-American, celebrate-your-freedom cheeseburger, right? And it's practically perfect in every way...impossible to be improved upon, right?


Friendly's took gastronomic ecstasy to a whole new level by replacing their cheeseburger's bun with grilled cheese sandwiches. That's right, I said sandwiches, as in for the top and one for the bottom.

This bad boy weighs in at 1,500 calories, with 79 grams of fat. That's almost a full day's worth of calories and 122% of what any sane person's fat intake should be.

If this is nutritional torture, chain me to the wall!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Old News Is Gold News

Right off the bat, let me just state that this post is not my fault. The Minneapolis Star Tribune started it by publishing the following as a headline: "Payouts May Be Near in Suits Against De Beers."

What else could I do, my mind "working" the way it does, but to consider how the poet who wrote that headline may have treated notable news items from the past?

  • Surprise Hebrew Escape Plan: Red Sea Becomes Dry Land
  • Caesar Left in Dark; Cleo Chooses Marc
  • Babylon Breaches Walls; Jerusalem Falls
  • Lincoln Takes Lead in the Head
  • North Atlantic Panic: Sinking of the Titanic
  • Lovely Night in June for a Walk on the Moon
  • Private Info Taken in Watergate Break-in
And my personal favorite...

  • Early Headline Screwy; Truman Beats Dewey