Sunday, March 15, 2009

Almost the News

St. Thomas on Track for $118M Expansion
In a bizarre turn of events today, the Doubting Apostle was tied to the local railroad track, not in retribution for his presumed lack of faith, but because he was instrumental in the recent high-cost expansion at the university that bears his name.

Man Gets Workhouse for Shooting His Friend
The bartering system sank to new depths when Benedict DiMucci received payment for the assassination of a friend in the form of a workhouse. DiMucci is quoted as saying, "Hey...even a hitman needs a roof over his head."

Climate Debate Puts Nuclear Back on the Table
Things got decidedly out of hand at today's Global Warming Summit as the delegate from North Korea, frustrated by having his proposals pooh-poohed, pulled a nuclear warhead out of his attache' and set it on the table.

Priest for Lepers to Become Saint
The Vatican has announced that the number of lepers awaiting sainthood has become so large, they require the services of their very own priest.

Man Back in Court After Poop Incident
I have no strange twist to add to this actual headline. It strikes me as being strange enough all on its own.

Police in Pakistan Try to Contain Protests
Attempts to contain the growing tide of protesters in Pakistan were put on hold recently when it was discovered that Tupperware doesn't make a large enough Seal-N-Serve.

Man Who Shot Two Cops Ruled Insane
It has been discovered that the Hollandale man who shot at two Owatonna police officers was formally the potentate of a Middle-Eastern nation, even though he was certifiably insane.

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