In an effort to truly give the American people a Choice during this election year, I am excited to announce my independent candidacy to become the next President of the United States of America. I intend to run a clean, forthright, and cheap campaign based on an assertion of my stand on the important issues of our times. There will be no mudslinging or muckraking...unless, of course, my worthy opponents resort to their normal procedure of character assassination because they collectively have the intellectual agility of a small soap dish.
Let me take this opportunity to address what may very well be the first question on the minds of those who know anything about my background and experience as a youth pastor: If elected, what role will my faith play in the day-to-day decision-making that is necessary as the President?
Point One: Please remember that the phrase "separation of church and state" is not part of our Constitution.
Point Two: That said, it is true that the concept of "separation of church and state" most definitely is part of our Constitution. However, the idea expressed by the Founding Fathers is freedom of religion, not freedom from religion.
Point Three: A president ought to maximize his strengths, bringing the total of his life experiences to bear on the massive undertaking of leading the nation.
Therefore, if elected, my administration will sponsor several weekend retreats where members of the House and the Senate will brainstorm how best to serve the needs of the country in an atmosphere of openness, honesty, and orange/armpit relays. The budget will be banged out in a marathon Truth or Dare session; promising to get rid of all pork-barrel pet projects. Issues of ethics violations will be dealt with swiftly by meeting with the parents of the offenders. All committee meetings will take place around a campfire with a well-strummed guitar nearby.
The funding for my campaign will come from private donations and candy sales. I will owe allegiance to no special interest group...except perhaps the Hershey, Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce.
The time for change is now. The time to vote is November. The time for lunch is 11:30...12:30 at the latest. Thanks for your support.
I'm Dewey Roth, and I approve this message.