Oh No No No No: The 395th Greatest Song

 

Writer/Producer Shadow Morton claims to have written "Remember (Walkin' in the Sand)" in 20 minutes on the way to the studio.

I believe him.

Seems like the other day

My baby went away

He went away 'cross the sea

It's been two years or so

Since I saw my baby go

And then this letter came for me

It said that we were through

He found somebody new

Oh, let me think, let me think, what can I do?

Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no 

A few things about this:

       1.  The simple rhymes and barely-moving melody line not only make me believe he wrote it in 20 minutes, but it also makes me wonder why it took that long.

       2.  AND...why does Rolling Stone consider it the 395th Greatest Song of All Time?

       3.  Let me get this straight. The boyfriend moved across the ocean and TWO YEARS LATER sends a "Dear Jane" letter?

       4.  AND...after all that time, the jilted girlfriend is distraught and bewildered? Like she didn't see it coming?

P.S.  The one thing that probably made Shadow Morton proud to have the writing credit for this dreck is how many times the "Oh no no no no" line has been used in commercials. ♫♪ Baby, you're a rich man ♪♫

A Valentine Poem

 

Your Eyes

Your eyes reached out and grabbed my heart

The first time that we met

I was sure they were as big

As any eyes could get

They spoke to me of trust and joy

And places they had seen

They bragged of mysteries they'd solved

With intellect so keen

They filled me in on days gone by

On dangers beaten down

They told tall tales of past defeats

And times you'd won the crown

They whispered both of hunger

And of overflowing cup

They jabbered on so ceaselessly

I wished they'd just shut up.

Police Report Creates Questions

 

'Tis a sorrowful thing to realize that local newspapers are dying off at an alarming rate. Where else could a person read a gem of a police report like I saw recently?

Officers took a suspicious activity call at 17XXX Gerdine Path. The homeowners reported an unknown male walking underneath their deck, attempting to take down their security camera. The male was wearing a face covering and a black robe. He left after unsuccessfully removing the camera. No suspect information at this time.

 

I have a few questions:

• What was suspicious about the activity call?
• If there is no suspect information, how do you know they were male? Or wearing a face covering and a black robe?

And the thing I'm most curious about...

How does one unsuccessfully remove a camera?

I can understand how someone could be unsuccessful in an attempt to remove a camera, but that's not what the police report says!

The Colbert Questionnaire

 

There's a recurring bit on Stephen Colbert's version of The Late Show called "The Colbert Questionnaire." The host laments how the normal talk show interview is fairly shallow and seldom leads to a deep understanding of the celebrity being interviewed. He then says the show has scientifically compiled a list of questions that will cut through all the glitter and fakery of show-business-as-usual and, when answered with candor, will result in the person being "known."

At this point of my life, I've become fairly certain that my dream of celebrity status and having talk shows want me as a guest will never come to pass. But why should that deprive the world of hearing my responses and knowing my deepest heart of hearts? *

What is the best sandwich?
Wendy's Baconator, followed closely by Jimmy John's Italian Night Club

What is one thing you own that you should really throw out?
A star-spangled motorcycle leather jacket

What is the scariest animal?
Possum, or as the suave and debonair say, opossum. They are nothing more than huge rats whose go-to response upon seeing you is to bare their razor-sharp teeth and hiss.

Apples or oranges?
Apples, but only if they are covered with butter, sugar, and cinnamon and baked to within a millimeter of being applesauce.

Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
Yes. During the summer I worked as a janitor at Foellinger Amphitheatre in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Mitzi Gaynor sang and danced on our stage and I got her autograph for the benefit of my then-fiance, the woman now known as Beloved.

What do you think happens when we die?
In 2 Corinthians 5:8, the Apostle Paul said that when we are absent from the body we are present with the Lord, but I'm not sure about the timing of all that. Am I "in heaven" the moment I die, or is there some kind of transitional housing where we all wait around until the end of time? 

Favorite action movie?
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: "My soul is prepared, Doctor Jones. How is yours?"

Window or aisle?
Aisle (for bathroom access). Also, Beloved prefers the window, so there's that.

Favorite smell?
Baby lotion

Least favorite smell?
Vomit

Earliest memory?
Walking up behind my dad as he was watching The Wizard of Oz. (For the full story, go to "In My Beginning."

Cats or dogs?
The unconditional love of dogs toward mankind is unearned and unequaled among earthly creatures. (See Wendy Francisco's "God and Dog")

You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it?
Art Garfunkel, James Taylor, and Paul Simon singing "What a Wonderful World"

What is the most-used app on your phone?
I don't have any hard data on this, but I'm pretty sure it must be Facebook. Either that or Royal Match. (How sad is that?)

Describe the rest of your life in five words
Jesus, Family, Love, Laughter, Music

_______
* Full disclosure: There have been a few versions of this 15-question list over the years. I have distilled this list in such a way as to avoid my two least-favorite questions:
       1) What was your first concert? (I don't like this question because I have no idea how to answer it, other than to say it was probably a gospel quartet on a Sunday night at my childhood church.)
       2) What number am I thinking of? (How does that reveal anything about me? Besides, no matter what the celebrity's answer is, Colbert always says, "No.")

The System Has To Be Rigged: The 396th Greatest Song

 

In spite of being a song that was never released as a single by a group I've never heard of, Big Star's "Thirteen" somehow made it into Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time at Number 396.

I almost suspect it's because the lyric mentions "Paint It Black"...a hit for the magazine's namesake band. (Pretty flimsy reason, considering it's only 3% of the song's lyric.)

Big Star frontman, Alex Chilton, wrote the acoustic ballad about two kids in love with rock & roll, and admitted, "It's simple musically. I was still learning to play and stuff."

I wonder what he meant by "and stuff."

As in...who did he have to sleep with in order to get the song noticed by a national magazine?

Not that I'm jealous or anything.

A Desperate Plea to Simon & Garfunkel & Taylor

 

Dear Art Garfunkel, James Taylor, and Paul Simon,

None of us knows how many days we have left on this planet, so I need to plant this seed while all four of us are still breathing.

       1) My answer to the question "If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?" is your 1978 recording of Sam Cooke's "(What a) Wonderful World." Your interplaying vocals and the slow, sweet arrangement make it one of my life's most satisfying listening experiences.

       2) There is a need... a deep, aching need...for a similar treatment of Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World."

Do I need to sell the idea any more? Seriously, what could be better than hearing your three voices caress that tune together?

While it's still possible. While you're all still able.

Please.

Make this happen.

With love and respect,                    

Dewey Roth                    

Observed Absurdities™ 70 - I DARE You to Make Sense of This

 

I've been known to crack wise about signs in restaurants' restrooms forcing me to wait for an employee to show up and wash my hands for me. You know..."Employees must wash hands before returning to work."

That's based on reading the signs in a very strict manner, but I can find absolutely NO way to read the following sign that would result in me being willing to have McDonalds put ice in my drink.

Yee...and may I say...IKES!