Singer-Assisted Suicide: The 397th Greatest Song

 

"Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult has to be the strangest attempt to ask a girl out that has ever been composed.

Behold...

All our times have come

Here but now they're gone

Seasons don't fear the Reaper

Nor do the wind, the sun, or the rain

We can be like they are

Come on baby... don't fear the Reaper

Baby take my hand... don't fear the Reaper

We'll be able to fly... don't fear the Reaper

Baby, I'm your man...

You get what it's saying, right?

Here we are at the culmination of our lives

The past is in the past

Summer and winter aren't afraid of their transience

Weather patterns know they're only temporary

We can accept our passing like they do

Come on baby...don't be afraid to die

Just hold my hand...don't be afraid to die

Let's jump off this roof together...don't be afraid to die

I'm the last guy you'll ever be with

Yee...and may I say...ikes!

Hoped-For Headlines for 2025

 

You could probably file these under Prayer Requests.

Skyline Chili Opens Its Newest Location in Apple Valley, MN

Rich Mullins Returns from the Grave with 5 New Albums

Olympic Esports Recognized as Glorified Pac-Man

Streaming Services that Charge Fees Stop Running Ads

Calorie-Free Doughnuts Pass All Taste Tests

"Reality" Television Officially Cancelled by All Entertainment Outlets

Waco Texas Installs Dr Pepper Fountains in Public Parks

Waste-of-Ink Comic Strip Fred Bassett Finally Shuts Down #FredBassettMustDie

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1980s

 

Having foolishly skipped over the 1980s in last year's transmogrification of hit songs into holiday songs, our editors have gathered here today to oversee the fixing of that grievous oversight.

Crazy Little Thing Called Eggnog  -  ♫♪ This thing...called eggnog...I just...can't handle it ♪♫

I Love a Snowy Night  -  Eddie Rabbitt's winter update to his Number One hit

The Sleigh Is High  -  ♫♪ The sleigh is high so I'm holding on ♪♫

High Fructose and Red Dye 3  -  Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder remake "Ebony & Ivory" for the Christmas candy season

All Night Long (Santa's Ride)  -  ♫♪ Ho ho, my friends, the time has come to land on the roof and hand out fun ♪♫

Born of a Virgin  -  Madonna sings about her namesake

Toybusters  -  ♫♪ When the gift you got...just plain don't work...who ya gonna blame? Toybusters! ♪♫

Greatest Ghost of All  -  Whitney Houston had a huge hit with the theme song to A Christmas Carol

The Sleigh You Make Me Feel  -  ♫♪ The sleigh you make me feel. The gift I'm forced to give. The knockoff bargain bin...♪♫

Walk Like an Egyptian  -  Few people realize this Bangles hit is about the holy family's post-Bethlehem escape

Don't Worry, Be Jolly  -  ♫♪ Here's a little song I wrote to help Santa not slice his throat" Don't worry. Be Jolly. ♪♫

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For  -  U2 laments shopping at the last minute

Rock-n-Roll Disney

 

What if some of the greatest rock acts of all time were bought out by the Walt Disney Company? (With thanks to Dan Piraro's Bizarro comic for the inspiration)

Fleetwood Mickey

Cindiella Lauper sings "Princesses Just Wanna Have Fun"

Winnie the Who

Tinker Swift

Sweet Mysteries of Life

 

...Well...maybe not so sweet...

via GIPHY

Why don't stores that sometimes have Quaker Oat Squares always have Quaker Oat Squares?

Who was the first to wonder about the chucking abilities of a woodchuck?

In the song Why Do Fools Fall in Love?, which came first, being foolish or being in love?

Why is minute spelled the same as minute? (As in, "It took me a minute to find the minute error.")

When I am inching my way backward out of a parking space, obviously unable to see if any other vehicle is approaching because of the cars parked on either side of me, why in the name of Farnsworth would you speed up to place your vehicle directly in my path?

Why is august spelled the same as August? (As in, "The august event will take place in August.")

And while we're at it, why do the words chew, chef, and chemistry all start with the same two letters but different sounds?

Leonard Skinnardsen: The 398th Greatest Song of All Time

 

What if The Sons of Norway did the 398th greatest song of all time instead of Lynyrd Skynyrd?

We play Duck Duck Grey Duck
While detractors raise a din
They insist it's Duck Duck Goose
Back in the land where they've been
And I think it's a sin, yes

Well I heard Frank Sinatra sing about her
Well I heard Chicago's a toddlin' town
Well I hope Old Blue Eyes will remember
A northern man don't need him around anyhow

Sweet home Minnesota
10,000 lakes maybe more
Sweet Home Minnesota
Loons a-callin' on every shore

In Minneapolis they love the Lutherans
The Catholics kind of own Saint Paul
But the way we drink every weekend
You'd wonder if we believe at all

Sweet home Minnesota
Mosquitos are our official bird
Sweet Home Minnesota
And uffda's clearly our favorite word

Now Paisley Park has got the TAFKAP
Making hits, more than a few
Got me clapping hands on two and four
Which Scandahoovians seldom do
Now how 'bout you?

Sweet home Minnesota
Where it's winter 6 months a year
Sweet Home Minnesota
Gotcha wonderin' why you moved here

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. VI

 

You know how the character Raj on The Big Bang Theory couldn't talk in the presence of women and how fake that seemed? That's a real condition called selective mutism and was based on a former co-worker of one of the creators/executive producers of the show.

The author of The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein, wrote a lot of songs, several of which became radio hits for other artists, e.g., Boy Named Sue (Johnny Cash), Cover of the Rolling Stone (Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show), One's on the Way (Loretta Lynn), and The Unicorn (Irish Rovers).

Maybe I should write a book titled Crying at Sunrise: Mourning All Morning.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

In the movie Jaws, Sherriff Brody's classic line after seeing the shark for the first time, "You're gonna need a bigger boat," was an ad lib by the actor, Roy Scheider.

Paul Lynde was once pulled over for driving on the sidewalk. The traffic cop flipped open his pad to write the ticket and Lynde said, “I’ll take a cheeseburger, hold the fries.” (And the cop chuckled and said, “Get outta here”!)

I have a cough that's so rough it ought to have brought the tree's bough through a dollop of dough.