Needing all the help in the world to make sure I'm on the very cusp of popular culture and trendsetting trends, I'm normally grateful for the FaceBook feature that shows me what topics and news items people are searching for, clicking on, and drooling over.
However...
There are times when I find it hard to trust FaceBook's accuracy.
Like last Friday, when this amazing list of headlines graced my News Feed:
Why is this a trending news item?!!? Are people really THAT enamored by Hilary Duff's hair color?
I mean...I didn't know people were even still caring about Hilary Duff's existence...
And why is there only one L in her name?
I need to go lay down.
1968.
January 22, 1968.
Forty-eight years ago today, on the National Broadcasting Company's network of television stations across the United States of America, a comic phenomenon was born.
I was pretending to do my 5th grade homework, but I was actually watching the premiere of Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In. It ended up running for six seasons, inspiring the subsequent creation of Saturday Night Live (SNL producer, Lorne Michaels, was a writer), birthing the careers of Goldie Hawn and Lily Tomlin (among others), and adding enough catch phrases to the American lexicon to choke a yellow-slicker-wearing tricycle-rider.
You bet your sweet bippy
Look that up in your Funk & Wagnall's
Here come da judge
The Flying Fickle Finger of Fate
Sock it to me
Verrrrrry interesting
The show did all those things, and made such an impact, and hardly anybody reading these words remembers, and man oh man...am I older than dirt or what?
And that's the truth. Pbbbbt!
You know how when you put mustard on a sandwich, and there's always a little dab of mustard left on the squeeze spout, and you wipe it off with the tip of your finger, and you lick your finger clean?
I'm not the only one who does that, am I?
Anyway...because of a recent experience, let me give you some solid advice:
Before ever doing that again, double-check to make sure you just put mustard on a sandwich, and not dish soap on a frying pan.
Just sayin'...
I had an...interesting...encounter with a customer at JesusInc semi-recently.
A lady came into the bookstore, having heard about a 40% off coupon that comes with the download of the store's phone app. She wanted 40% off on something even though she didn't download the app...or even have a smart phone.
One of my co-workers explained to her that a person needs to actually have a coupon in order to use a coupon.
This did not satisfy DiscountLady. She wanted to talk to a supervisor. My co-worker handed DiscountLady over to me so I could explain to her that a person needs to actually have a coupon in order to use a coupon.
"The JesusInc store on the other side of The City said I could use the coupon." (I'm sure they did. And when they did, they must have meant that you could use the coupon on the item in question...if you had it. And if they implied that they would give you 40% off even without the coupon, they were...well...wrong. How can I enter a coupon code into the cash register for a coupon I can't see? However, I am able to give you 20% off your item, as a token of good will.)
This did not satisfy DisgruntledLady. She wanted to talk to the Store Manager. I handed DisgruntledLady over to the Store Manager so she could explain that a person needs to actually have a coupon in order to use a coupon.
Thirty minutes later.
That's right. I said thirty...minutes...later...DemonLady came up to the register, where the Store Manager rang up her purchase...giving her the 40% off she so wrongly felt she so rightly deserved.
After the Store Manager walked away and DemonLady was returning things to her purse, I said, "Well, I'm glad we were able to work something out for you."
"Yeah...after I pushed for it. You know, they used to say that the customer is always right. I thought this was a Christian store." (Well, ma'am, two things: First, although "the customer is always right" is a commonly-heard phrase from the middle of the past century, it is not, nor has it ever been, true. Second, yes, we sell Christian-themed books and gifts here at the store, so by all means, let's break rules and stiff the company and harass the employees.)
Whaaaaaat?!!??
Words I'd love to see atop a column of text in the coming year:
- Television Networks Decide to Stop Pushing the Envelope and Start Filling it With Something Entertaining Instead
- Palestinians and Jews Double-Check Their Ancestry, Realize They're From the Same Family, and Have a Cookout
- Free Popcorn With Every Movie Ticket
- Political Advertisements Appear Only on Pay-Per-View
- The Producers of Fred Basset Write a Public Apology and Cease Their Assault on Humor
- Local Blogger Is Visited by the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol
- "Just Kidding, Folks!" - Donald Trump Admits His Presidential Campaign Is Just a Gag
- "Just Kidding, Folks!" - Hillary Clinton Admits Her Presidential Campaign Is Just a Gag
- Mysterious Virus Wipes Out Superfluous Commas and Apostrophes. Grammar Police Celebrate With Group Hugs While Chanting "They're Their There."
'Twas the morning of Christmas, and all through the place
A smile was plastered on each youngster's face
The stockings were filled with lip balm and treats
And iTunes would soon be cranking out beats
The children were ripping the gift wrap apart
Not knowing its price had stopped their dad's heart.
With Mom in her flannels and I in my fleece
At least we were warm while we longed for some peace
'Cause out by the tree there arose such a clatter
I was sure our snow globe was destined to shatter
Out to the family room, both of us ran
Stepping on Legos, tipping over a fan
There, on the back of our newly-bought couch
Sat Son Number Two, a loud, thrashing grouch:
"I want more chocolate, or something that's sweet!
Why'd I get socks too big for my feet?!?"
With this one-man riot losing his cool
I feared in a moment he might start to drool
More rapid than eagles, his curses they came
Bellows and slanders that I dare not name
"How come I never get things that I like?
Like iPhones, or xBox, or even a bike?
To heck with these PJs, who would want these?!?
These jeans are ugly, this shirt makes me sneeze!"
Like a hole in the bottom will soon drain a sack
I let this tsunami just roll off my back
And up to the attic I fairly flew
Returning with packages: Christmas Part Two
And then in a twinkling, I heard from our child
A sigh of relief; he stopped being wild
As I brought in the presents and was setting them down
Off the couch came our Jimmy with one pint-sized bound
So he unwrapped his iPad, his face full of glee
And thanked us by asking, "You got this for me?"
A bundle of games was opened up next
(The speed of his fingers, it just left me vexed)
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how deep!
And none of his siblings had dared make a peep
Their dear little mouths were gaping with awe
Hardly believing the next thing they saw:
A dump truck with real working engine and brake
And the smoke it encircled our heads like a snake
And then, a broad smile on his little round face
Broke into laughter which filled the whole place
This joy was worth the loss of our wealth
And hugs were exchanged 'tween my spouse and myself
A wink of my eye and a step toward the pine
Soon had the others feeling just fine
For I spoke not a word, but made sure they knew
They each had plenty of great presents, too
And laying a kerchief aside Jimmy's nose
I wiped away what was left of his woes
Then they sprung to their feet, to their mom gave a kiss
And away they all flew, overflowing with bliss
But I heard Jim exclaim, in almost a shriek
"I can hardly wait for my birthday next week!"
And now ladies and gents, without further ado, a recap of stati (isn't that the plural of status?) from the Almost the Truth (TM) Publishing FaceBook page. No need to save your applause until the end.
- Her butt is so big, it has its own backmosphere.
- Biscuits and gravy are a sure sign that God wants us to be happy…and unable to run away from Him, apparently.
- Eat your vegetables. Do unto others before they do unto you, you know?
- Blessed are the geeks for they shall save the hard drives of the earth.
- I love you forever...I like you for always...I'm a creepy stalker who won't leave you alone.
- Shirley Temple and Lucy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the past forever.
- If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you once! #Truth
- When the going gets tough, consider adding more fiber to your diet.
- When a man’s an empty kettle, Tony Stark must be taking a break from superhero-ing.
- Previously on Big Bang Theory, the smartest person in the room pouted like a baby while the beautiful neighbor showed far too much cleavage and wondered why people never looked her in the eyes.
- When in doubt, don’t. When in a fight, duck. When in a duck, quack up.
- On this day in history…no wait…THIS day HAS no history. Today is today and that’s all today is. THIS day is presentry, not history. Now, if you want to talk about this DATE…well…that’s another thing entirely.
- Almost Thanksgiving: We gather together to put on some poundage.
- That sound in the distance you hear is the crinkle of my hardening arteries.
