Almost the News IX

Rural Bankers Survey Now Points Toward Contraction
Specifically, the word can't.

Girl Honored by Lakeville Police for Helping Mother
Has it come to this? Is dusting the house before company comes such a big deal now that it gets noticed by the police?

Military Muscle on Display
Hundreds of curious patriots an hour are filing past the preserved bicep of General George S. Patton.

Mark Bellows to Run for Mayor
Tension was high during last night's City Council meeting when Councilman Mark raised his voice and argued, "The mayor should not have to run in the Race for the Cure! I'll do it for him, and I'll do it well!"

Petters Witness Found in Contempt
After being missing for five days, Larry Reynolds was found hiding in a rented storage facility in the small town of Contempt, Arkansas.

Man in Critical Condition After Stabbing
One of the staff nurses at Mercy Hospital is quoted as saying, "All that guy does is whine and complain."

Bear Who Mauled Caretaker Put Down
A bear that mauled a caretaker has been given what is locally referred to as "The Rudolph Treatment": all of the other bears laugh and call him names.

According to the White Pages...

The following is an educational service, provided free of charge by Almost the Truth.

According to whitepages.com, there are four people with the name “Dewey Roth” in the United States of America…and I’m not one of them. (It's true. As much as I try to ignore it, my actual, factual name is Duane...though for over four decades no one has called me that with any regularity except my 8th-grade English teacher, Linda Reed. She refused to call me Dewey because she had a girlfriend with that name. I refused to call her Mrs. Reed because I had a basket made out of plants with that name.)

Ravenna, Nebraska is home for an 83-year-old farmer named Dewey Roth. Anybody still actively farming at that age deserves to be recognized for having a not-quite-as-unique-as-I-once-thought-it-was name without any further harassment.

There's another 83-year-old Dewey Roth in McAllen, Texas. Apparently, 1927 was a very good year. According to the aerial view map at bing.com, he lives in a dark van in the middle of South Taylor Road.

1958 turned out a pair of Dewey Roths as well. One lives in Independence, Missouri; home of Col. Sherman T. Potter (fictional commanding officer of MASH 4077), Paul Henning (creator of The Beverly Hillbillies, Petticoat Junction, and Green Acres), and Harry S Truman. ("S" with no period, by the way. Like my own father, King Flatulence IV, President Truman had no middle name, just a letter.)

Tonawanda, New York is where our fourth and final Dewey Roth hangs his hat. When the town was founded there were several women named Wanda that lived there...several...large...women.

Yeah, you got it.

Oh, what a beautiful earworm!

This quarter's round up of songs I woke up with...

MAY
3 – Let the Whole World Sing (DeGarmo & Key)
4 – Heart Hotels (Dan Fogelberg)
5 – Come Sail Away (Styx)
11 – Your Mama Don’t Dance and Your Daddy Don’t Rock and Roll (Loggins & Messina)
12 – If You Leave Me Now (Chicago)
13 – This morning, I was trying to sleep and trying to sleep and kept hearing a strange compilation of what seemed like every recorded song known to mankind…just snippet after snippet of tune after tune. I think my Random Access Memory is short-circuiting.
18 – Forever Eyes/Yesterday (Jars of Clay/Beatles) This made for an interesting mash-up. There is hope! Maybe my subconscious has a promising future as an arranger/producer.
19 – Love is Still a Worthy Cause (Sara Groves)
20 – Turn Your Radio On (Ray Stevens, though, yes, there are a few other versions out there)
21 – Jesus Paid It All
25 – Let’s Get It On (Marvin Gaye…but if you ever get a chance to hear a band called “Ferris” do it live…do it.)

JUNE
3 – Trickle Trickle (Manhattan Transfer. Long, almost useless explanation: For over a month now, I’ve been posting a snippet of a lyric as my status statement on Facebook…a different snippet each day. The source material has been my CD collection, arranged alphabetically by artist. The first day was Carolyn Arends, then The Association, through the Beach Boys and the Beatles, etc. In this list of morning earworms, I have generally ignored songs that I know are in my head because of the previous day’s status statement. That said, here lies Manhattan Transfer because “Trickle Trickle” pushed its way into my brain in spite of a June 2nd full of Don McLean: “Starry, starry night; portraits hung in empty halls; frameless heads on nameless walls…”)
15 – Whole New World (from Disney’s Aladdin)
17 – Yesterme, Yesteryou, Yesterday (Stevie Wonder)
21 – El Shaddai (Amy Grant)

JULY
12 – Love Hangover (Diana Ross)
17 – Stand Tall (Burton Cummings)
27 – With a Little Luck (Paul McCartney & Wings) I am particularly irritated at this particular earworm this particular morning. Firstly, because I’m thinking that it’s only going to get worse after tomorrow night’s PBS special giving Sir Paul some sort of American music honor (and how much sense does THAT not make?); but secondly, because the brain bombardment started over an hour before I needed to get up this morning.
30 – Midnight Blue (Melissa Manchester)

BOGO

I've recently been bombarded with the supposedly wonderful retail news that I can BOGO. 

Payless Shoes says I can BOGO. 

Applebee's has a BOGO drink special going on. 

Here a BOGO, there a BOGO, everywhere a BOGO-BOGO. 

And what does BOGO stand for? Buy One Get One 

Well, excuse me, but isn't that what one would normally expect from any purchasing transaction?

Wet Carpet: This Is Not an Instruction

It started with a wet spot on the carpet. This is not such an abnormal experience in the Roth household: have I introduced you to our two dog-like creatures?

On the left is Edgar, on the right is Connor, and stuck in the middle with you is KayJay. (KayJay is NOT one of the dog-like creatures of which I am speaking, so that leaves us all to deduce that it must be the decidedly rat-like creatures, Edgar and Connor to which I refer.) 

Let me explain that we have been tempted to rename these two marginally-canine companions Cate and Nate...as in Defecate and Urinate...signifying what they each are more prone to do in the house than in the backyard. 

That being the case, a wet spot on the carpet was not so much a cause for alarm as for aggravation. It smelled like Connor's particularly pungent variety of cologne and he was immediately blamed, ridiculed and ostracized. 

This repeated itself several times, in fact, until I started wondering why Connor always seemed to decide to express his manliness when the air conditioning was running. 

To make a longer story shorter, let's just say that we discovered that a leaky air conditioner, not a leaky pooch, was the source of the wet spot. Of course, this was not determined without the need of cutting a hole in the wall to gain visual access to the rear of the offending unit and a subsequent visit by our friendly, neighborhood RepairGuy to see if the leak could be fixed. 

With coils properly cleaned and alignment impressively fiddled with and a lot of talk using words to which I smiled and grunted as if I had an inkling of a clue as to what RepairGuy was saying, the leak appears to be fixed. 

That's good news for our carpet, but now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to apologize for unnecessary scoldings to a creature that has a brain the size of a walnut...a very small, smooth walnut.

ACT NOW!

The World Wide Wackfest is a marvelous thing. Using the appeal of the Internet, a person can take items that would normally be tossed aside as outdated, useless, or at the very least, quaint, and turn them into money-making opportunities of astounding proportions.

Observe:

What child could possibly resist the charm of a plastic, wind-up walking crab advertising Seattle? For a short time only, you can experience the thrill of the hunt as you find this little guy on ebay and enter into the bidding frenzy that is sure to ensue! With perseverance and determination, YOU could be the one to have this priceless souvenir shipped directly to your home or place of business! Click here: http://cgi.ebay.com/Seattle-Souvenir-Walking-Crab-Toy-/320559080911?cmd=ViewItem&pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item4aa2cf65cf


Or maybe classic entertainment is more to your liking: Imagine the joy on your child's face as you pop the fully restored, special edition of Disney's The Little Mermaid into your VCR! Relive the magical, musical moments of this film that marked the rebirth of Disney's animation department and ancillary marketing prowess. See it in all its VHS glory by clicking and bidding: http://cgi.ebay.com/Disneys-The-Little-Mermaid-Special-Edition-VHS-/320557802461?cmd=ViewItem&pt=VHS&hash=item4aa2bbe3dd

And finally, for those with slightly more sophisticated tastes: You can immerse yourself in the wizarding world of Harry Potter without going to Orlando or taking out a second mortgage! All you have to do is be the highest bidder at http://cgi.ebay.com/Harry-Potter-and-Sorcerers-Stone-VHS-w-new-footage-/320557808320?cmd=ViewItem&pt=VHS&hash=item4aa2bbfac0! Go back to where it all began with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, now with Never-Before-Seen Footage! (And we're not talking about close-ups of Hagrid's toes, baby!)

These fantastic opportunities are only up for bid for a few days, so don't delay, or, or...or...well, golly! That would just be so not swell...

Almost the News VIII

Drive to Free Attorney Grows
The no-charge services of a lawyer have never been "just around the corner," but now one can expect even more highway time before getting there. 

Man's Shooting May Be Hate Crime
As a matter of fact, the chances of it being a love crime are practically zero. 

Ikea Recalls Blinds That Choked Child
Quoting a company-wide electronic newsletter: "That set of blinds was a beautiful shade of light brown; I remember them distinctly." 

Bill Would Trim Bankers' Say at Fed Banks
Who this guy, Bill, is, and why he has so much influence, is yet to be determined. 

Big Signs Will Be Allowed on Parkway
The city of Burnsville will suspend enforcement of its signage ordinance on Burnsville Parkway during road construction this summer, but the large signs are required to maintain a minimum speed of 35 miles per hour. 

Troops Targeting Taliban Leaders
In an attempt to gain a foothold for democracy and capitalism, U.S. troops in Afghanistan have been taking leaders of the insurgency on shopping sprees. 

Pavano's Latest Gem Halts Twins' Slide
A recent trip to a playground was cut short for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen when a new diamond was put up for sale.