Observed Absurdities™ 7

Loyal reader and fellow slave at Big Brother, Inc., Queen CanDo, submitted the following:

Here are some nice ads on the "Buy and Sell Fairbault Area" FaceBook page.

Brand New. Never Used. White bag with large silver star sequence design.

I thought brand new and never used were the same thing. I also did not know they are Proper Nouns. And I wonder if the sequence of silver stars is made of sequins?

I adoptied this cat froms craigslist and I really love him but he is so scared so I have desided to find him a new home with older kids or no kids he hides under the bed every day I think my kids scare him his names tigger and he is a year old please if u can give him a good home he deserves it

I am thinking of putting in an ad for free commas and periods to see if she responds. [And I am wondering about the current kids, and how does the cat manage to hide them under the bed every day?]

Looking for cotton yarn? Any one have?

No, I don't? I'm sorry? You can buy some at the store?

Anyone saleiing zumba dvd please please tag me thank u

I don't know what to say about this one. [How about after tagging them thank u, we could call them maybe?]

Fun Popcorn Tubs

Brand new

1 very large tub & very medium tubs

I'm looking for regular medium tubs, so I will have to pass on the very medium. They do sound Fun though.

3 paris of Arizone brand size 14 husky jeans and 1 pair of Old Navy size 12 husky jeans. Nearly worn.

Nearly worn. Does that mean that they were almost worn, or they were worn close to the body?

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This is great stuff, but should it concern me that it came in an email with the subject line, "Lord, help me - I am turning into Dewey!!"?

Better Left Unsaid

So far, I have had at least a limited amount of success at holding myself back from becoming one of THOSE grandparents. You know the kind I mean...always wanting to show you the latest pictures and tell you the latest Unbelievably Cute thing their grandchild has done:

"He looked at me and smiled. Isn't that aMAYzing?!!?"

But I must confess to a bit of pride at having the absolutely cutest child ever born as a grandson. And I kid you not, no one I have ever said that to has disagreed with me. People have been known to develop instantaneous cavities just by looking at pictures of him...he is THAT sweet. He's got a supply of t-shirts that he's required to wear whenever AngelFace and TheRelentlessOne (I'll have to explain that sometime, I reckon.) take SkittleKid into public: "WARNING: May aggravate cases of borderline diabetes."

But the real reason I've been holding back isn't because I'm all that empathetic toward the general population that would be bored to tears to read about my grandson. It's because the things that have caused the most laughter just don't translate all that well to the written word.

Take last weekend for instance.

The family was gathered for a dinner celebrating the birthdays of Beloved and AngelFace. The food was good and SkittleKid was having fun crawling around on the floor, competing with Edgar the RatDog for table scraps.

At some point, SkittleKid took off as fast as his hands and knees could take him and bonked his forehead on the crosspiece that connects two of the table's legs. At the time, we all thought that was the funniest thing since kangaroos on a trampoline, but writing it down like this, it just sounds cruel for us to have been guffawing.

Yeah...I need to just keep the joys of grandparenting to myself.

Almost the Good Samaritan

This guy came up to Jesus all confused because there were so many stinkin' commandments and couldn't we just simplify the list? I mean ten is a two-digit number for crying out loud and how do you expect a guy to be able to remember all that? Wouldn't it be better to just boil them all down to one all-encompassing rule?

Jesus looked the guy in the eyes and said, "No problemo, Paco! The greatest commandment is this: Look both ways before crossing the stree--no wait, that's not it--Love God with everything you are and everything you have; put Yahweh first."

That would have been pretty good right there, but being a preacher, Jesus apparently couldn't stop at pretty good; he needed to go for depth and length...especially length. So just as the guy was turning to walk away satisfied, Jesus added, "And the second-greatest commandment is pretty darn close to the first: Love your neighbor in the same way you love yourself and want yourself to be loved and cared for and have good stuff happen to and all that."

The guy stopped dead in his tracks...well, not literally; he was still breathing and all, albeit a bit more heavily now.

"Can you run that by me again?"

"Sure," Jesus replied, and he repeated the whole paragraph.

Something I haven't told you about this guy questioning Jesus...he was a lawyer. He wanted the precise, do-this-and-nothing-more-and-you'll-be-on-the-right-side-of-God's-Naughty-or-Nice-List version of life. So just to be on the safe side, he asked Jesus, "That's all fine and dandy, but just what exactly do you mean when you use the term neighbor?"

And that's when Jesus told the following story.

It was a dark and stormy night. Anyone in their right mind would be at home, snuggling with their dog and sipping mulled cider in front of a roaring fire. But no...this guy was walking from Jerusalem to Jericho...you know, the Bad Part of Town...and surprise-surprise, got the ever-lovin' snot kicked out of him by a band of unschooled ruffians. They Three C'd him: took his Cash, his Cards, and his Clothes.

So he's laying there, moaning and groaning, when what to his wondering eyes should appear but one of the pastoral staff from the man's church. He thinks to himself, "Oh good! The pastor will help me! I mean, last week's sermon was on going the extra mile and all that!" And he calls out to the pastor, "Oh boy, am I ever glad to see you! Can you help a brother out?"

Apparently, the answer is "No," because the pastor crosses the street and walks by on the opposite side ...while holding his fingers in his ears and singing the chorus of a Christmas carol: "Fa la la la laaaaa...."

The mugged man is having trouble holding on to consciousness when a deacon from the church approaches. He thinks, "Surely this guy will help me. I even think he's on the benevolence committee!"

But the injured man is, sadly, mistaken, and can hardly believe his eyes as he sees the deacon check his watch, turn around, and scurry off in the opposite direction.

About a half-hour later, the man is going into shock when a gay person of color with bad complexion and malodorous breath comes up the road and sees the man. He stops, cleans the man's wounds with some antiseptic wipes, wraps him in his coat, and takes him to the nearest urgent care facility, where he gives them his own debit card and instructs them to do whatever is needed to bring the victim back to health.

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"Now," said Jesus, "which one of these men was a neighbor to the man who got mugged?"

The lawyer looked at his feet as he cleared his throat and mumbled, "I know I'm supposed to say 'the gay person of color with bad complexion and malodorous breath,' but I really feel uncomfortable with that."

"Tough noogies, LawyerLad, you need to cowboy up."

How Many Is Several?

The following is an actual conversation between my only son and me.

ActorBoy: I'm supposed to give them several available dates and times...as long as it's in these four days. [Pause] I don't think I can fit "several" dates in that amount of time.

Me: Sure you can. Three is "several."

ActorBoy: Three is "a few."

Me: Okay...let me think...two would be "a pair," three is "a few"...how about four? Four could be "several."

ActorBoy: I would call that "some." I've always connected the number twelve with "several."

Me: Well, sure, twelve would be several, but it doesn't take that many to be "several." I could have dinner with eight friends and say "I had dinner with several friends."

ActorBoy: I would call that "a bunch."

[Much laughter]

ActorBoy: You should write this down!

Almost the Truthlets, the First

At the alarming rate of "every so often", on the Almost the Truth^TM Publishing FaceBook page, which you can find by clicking here, I post small snippets of almost-truth as "status updates". To fill you in on what you may have been missing, and encourage you to go to the aforementioned Almost the Truth^TM Publishing FaceBook page and "Like" it, I herewith provide for you a compendium of said postings.

Please hold your applause until the end.

• 2 + 2 = 3.87
• Four score and six years ago...
• One brick shy of a Happy Meal
• Away out west they got a name for wind and rain and fire: the rain is Wet, the fire Glows, and they call the wind...um...Wind.
• A fool and his money...yeah, that about covers it for me...except for the money part.
• When the moon hits a guy, but he doesn't die...that's amazing.
• Oscar speech: I'd like to thank all the little people who mindlessly devour the drivel Hollywood produces.
• A bird in the hand is not such a great idea...
• Don't look a gift horse in the...never mind.
• Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your rebate in Menard's.
• What doesn't kill you makes you weaker and more vulnerable to the next attack.
• "I am," I said, to no one there. And no one heard at all—well, duh.
• Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason is because you're stupid and make bad decisions.
• Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You're black.
• Betcha can't imagine the following without at least grinning: Kangaroos on a trampoline.
• C'mon...you can do it! It's not rocket surgery.
• If you can't beat 'em, mercilessly make fun of 'em.
• Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me Mister Tibbs!
• The early bird gets the worm...not that that's much of an incentive to be early.
• If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will retire and live on a great pension.
• Who put the “bop” in the “I’m gonna bop you one”?

Names of Biblical Proportions

When contemplating what to name a newborn child, parents have many options. They can search through family records to find either a close or distant relative's name that "jumps out" at them. (Boo Radley comes to mind.) They can scour websites and books dedicated to listing possible names...maybe basing their choice on the name's meaning. (Take "Dewey," for instance, which means "all wet.")

Perhaps the most widespread help for finding names is also one of the oldest: the Bible.

It's a great source for finding some very popular names, such as: Adam, Benjamin, Daniel, David, Jacob, Joel, John, Joseph, Martha, Mary, Nathan, Ruth, Timothy, and of course, for my Hispanic readers, Jesus.

There are even some second-tier possibilities for the truly faithful: Abraham, Isaac, Jeremiah, and of course, for my Amish readers, Zedekiah.

But there are some Biblical names that I honestly believe have passed their expiration dates and we will probably not see in contemporary birth announcements: Amminadab, Elizaphan (isn't that the stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?), Nogah, and Uzziel.

My favorite unusable Biblical name...the shortest man who ever lived...Bildad the Shuhite. (Now, that's pretty darn short! Even though it would work well for when someone asks a bride, "Who's paying for this?" The answer: "Bildad.")

Saying It With Music

Depending on how new you are to these parts, you may or may not be aware that my weekday morning status updates on FaceBook are trivia games with different themes, depending on the day of the week. Thursday mornings are Name That Tune Day, and for the past year, unknown to the world at large, rather than just posting random lyrical quotes, I've been carefully selecting what words from what songs to use...all so it would result, when read from start to finish, in the glory that follows.

Does anybody really care?  If so, I can’t imagine why¹ he got a 32 gun in his pocket for fun.²

I think I’m gonna be sad.³  Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard!⁴  I’ve been cheated; been mistreated.⁵  I’ve been drivin’ all night; my hand’s wet on the wheel.⁶  All this science, I don’t understand.⁷  Don’t know much about geography.⁸  I was lost and blind ‘til a friend of mine came and took me by the hand.⁹  But if I really say it, the radio won’t play it.¹⁰

All the leaves are brown¹¹ and they wither with the wind and they crumble in your hand.¹²..Don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky.¹³  Long as I remember, the rain’s been comin’ down.¹⁴  Hangin’ around, nothing to do but frown,¹⁵ and just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed, nothing seems to fit.¹⁶  Just like Pagliacci did, I try to keep my sadness hid.¹⁷  

I hope I didn’t wake you, but there’s something that I’ve just got to say:¹⁸  “B-b-b-baby,¹⁹ rah-rah, ah-ah-ah! Rom-mah, rom-mum-mah!²⁰  Nah, nah-nah, nah-nah-nah, nah.²¹  Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean:²²  They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don’t have pre-wrapped bacon.²³ 

There’s my friend from Chicago.²⁴  He's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy.²⁵  He had a woman he loved in Saigon.²⁶  He said, “You don’t need no strength, you need to grow up, son.²⁷  You better take care if I find you been creepin’ ‘round my back stairs.²⁸  ’Cause I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I’m a sinner.²⁹  I get knocked down, but I get up again.³⁰  I’m New York City, born and raised, but nowadays I’m lost between two shores³¹ with no direction home; like a complete unknown.” ³²

I awoke last night to the sound of thunder.  “How far off?” I sat and wondered.³³  I’ve been thinking that I should stop disc jockeying and start that record store.³⁴  The time to hesitate is through.³⁵  I don't claim to be an "A" student, but I'm trying to be.³⁶  Want to move ahead, but the boss won’t seem to let me.³⁷  Maybe I’m a lonely man who’s in the middle of something that he doesn’t really understand.³⁸

Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?³⁹  His blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul.⁴⁰  I don’t care what they may say.  I don’t care what they may do.⁴¹  Satan is an evil charmer; he’s hungry for a soul to hurt.⁴²  And the three men I admire most – the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost⁴³ –maybe be just like the Beatles: melodic rockin’ heavyweights.⁴⁴ 

When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change.⁴⁵  Don’t go trying some new fashion.⁴⁶  You’re everything I hoped for.  You’re everything I need.⁴⁷  Come on, baby, don’t say maybe.⁴⁸  Take my hand.  Take my whole life, too.⁴⁹  Once I get you up there where the air is rarified, we’ll just glide starry-eyed.⁵⁰  Or would you rather be a mule?⁵¹ 

I guess what I be saying is there ain’t no better reason to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons.⁵² 

 

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1) Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?   2) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown   3) Ticket to Ride   4) Call Me Al   5) When Will I Be Loved?   6) Radar Love   7) Rocket Man   8) Wonderful World   9) The Rock That Doesn’t Roll   10) I Dig Rock and Roll Music   11) California Dreamin’   12) Leaves that are Green   13) Stormy Weather   14) Who’ll Stop the Rain?   15) Rainy Days and Mondays   16) Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head   17) Tears of a Clown   18) I’ll Have to Say I Love You in a Song   19) You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet   20) Bad Romance   21) Hey Jude   22) Your Song   23) If I Had a Million Dollars   24) On the Tequila   25) Piano Man   26) Born in the U.S.A.   27) Authority Song   28) Sundown   29) The Joker   30) I Get Knocked Down   31) I Am, I Said   32) Like a Rolling Stone   33) Night Moves   34) WOLD   35) Light My Fire   36) Wonderful World   37) 9 to 5   38) Maybe I’m Amazed   39) The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald   40) Leader of the Band   41) Jesus Is Just Alright   42) Shut De Do   43) American Pie   44) Never Gonna Be As Big As Jesus   45) Just the Way You Are (Bruno Mars)   46) Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)   47) You Are So Beautiful   48) Take It Easy   49) I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You   50) Come Fly With Me   51) Would You Like to Swing on a Star?  52) I’m Yours (Jason Mraz)