Greasepaint Love: The 388th Greatest Song

 

According to Rolling Stone, "Sting came up with the idea for [Roxanne] while wandering around the red-light district of Paris after a canceled show, wondering what it would be like to be in love with a prostitute."

What if he had been wandering around a circus and wondering what it would be like to be in love with a clown?

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose
Those days are over
You don't have to seltzer friends through that rose

Roxanne
You don't have to wear those shoes tonight
Flap your feet for money
You don't have to greasepaint your face white

I loved you since you popped out
Of that tiny little car
You think you're just a fool
But I know that you're a star

I know my mind is made up
So put away your make-up
Told you once, I won't tell you again
It's a bad way

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose

Remove a Letter, Ruin a Band

 

What's in a name?

Maybe a lot.

And maybe there's only a single letter difference between a great band name and...well...not a great band name.

Behold, the Almost the Truth List of Bands That Never Would Have Made It

Le Zeppelin  -  ♫♪ Mademoiselle eez climeeng zee stairway to heavonne ♪♫

Ink Floyd  -  Their only album, The Ark Side of the Moo, sounded like a boat full of cows.

The Beach Oys  -  ♫♪ And we'll have fun, fun, fun till the rabbi takes the brisket away ♪♫

Elvs Presley  -  Picture one of Santa's helpers shaking his hips

Nirvan  -  Perhaps appropriately, they sang the jingle for an anti-inflammatory.

Erosmith  -  Okay, I'm a little surprised some sex-crazed garage band hasn't already used this.

The Ho  -  ♫♪ He's a pimping wizard, our money goes to him... ♪♫

Lack Sabbath  -  I don't know...they're just...missing something.

Meallica  -  They specialize in covers of Weird Al's food-related parodies. 

Dire Traits  -  Their biggest hit was "Sultans of DNA".

Alice Coper  -  ♫♪ I'm eighteen! And I'm getting along! ♪♫

Grateful Dad  -  Kind of like Raffi, but for grown-ups

The Doobie Bothers  -  Singing about being disturbed when smoking dope

The Rolling Tones  -  A barbershop quartet in wheelchairs (Not a bad idea!)

#MakeAMovieUnderwhelming Deux

 

Ten years ago yesterday, I published a list on this topic. It may be high time for a second edition.

So hi, Time, and welcome to a world where Hollywood just isn't as exciting as it thinks it is.

• The Demi-God Father
• The Dark Serf
• 12 Slightly-Miffed Men
• The Good, the Bad, and the Nondescript
• Heated Argument Club
• One Stepped Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• 6ix
• It's an Okay Life
• The Green Furlong
• The Accordionist
• Sadiator
• The Stray Cat King
• Raiders of the Temporarily-Misplaced Suitcase

• Average Will Hunting
• Bravekidney
• Singin' in the 20% Chance of Showers
• Larry of Arcadia
• Full Plastic Jacket
• To Sicken a Mockingbird
• The Chihuahua of Wall Street
• A Fistful of Dimes
• Some Like It Lukewarm
• The Fifth Sense
• The Fourth Element
• Looking for Nemo
• Thousand Dollar Baby
• How to Train Your Dragonfly
• Mr. Smith Goes to Topeka
• Star Disagreements Episode Five: The HOA Retaliates