Observed Absurdities™ 67 - Whine List

 

My current employment situation allows me the wonderful opportunity to work from home almost completely. The only time we have to come into the office is when someone higher on the food chain is visiting from England...the land wherein resides the company that bought our company.

On those few occasions when we are enjoying each other's company on company premises, we often have lunch together as a team at a local eatery.

At a recent lunch gathering, the restaurant of choice featured Thai food and a snooty wine list.

It was the wine list that hit me squarely on the funny bone...to the point that I could barely control myself to be able to order.

This is an actual picture of the actual wine menu:

• "Flavors of ripe cherry smoked meats"  -  A meat-flavored drink? Ewww.
• "With a velvety finish"  -  (Velvet: a fabric of silk, nylon, acetate, rayon, etc., with a thick, soft pile formed of loops of the warp thread.) So you're telling me that drinking the Guenoc Pinot Noir will coat my tongue?
• "With a juicy mouthfeel"  -  Forget about completely making up the word mouthfeel, is there any way for a drink to not feel juicy?
• "Soft and round"  -  Most liquids are soft, I get that, but round? Round??!?
• "Full of chewy tannins"  -  (Tannin: any of a group of astringent vegetable principles or compounds.) Can't say I'm looking forward to chewing my beverage, but at least now I understand why they had to call out the juicy mouthfeel.

Inging the Movies

 

The following flight of fancy is brought to you by me having seen this graphic and immediately stealing the idea.

However...

I did NOT look at any of the comments where this was posted so I can be truthful in claiming actual authorship of the following flight of fancy.

Schindler's Listing  -  In German-occupied Poland during World War II, industrialist Oskar Schindler becomes a licensed realtor.

The Jungle Booking  -  A singing bear accidentally gets a gig in a VERY remote venue.

The Stinging  -  Paul Newman and Robert Redford put soap in Robert Shaw's eyes.

The Fox and the Hounding  -  A classic tale of a beautiful woman being stalked.

Monsters Incing  -  Mike and Sully are tattoo artists that kant spel.

The Helping  -  Racial tensions rise over who gets the largest slices of chocolate pie.

The Lion Kinging  -  A documentary about Simba's coronation.

Inside Outing  -  An adolescent has a picnic indoors.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ringing  -  Four hobbits, two men, an elf, a dwarf, and a wizard all attend a tinnitus-sufferer's support group.

Entrapping Those Wild Teenagers: The 403rd Greatest Song of All Time

 

The rockabilly hit, "C'mon Everybody" by Eddie Cochran, is a perfect song for a teenage rebel to sing. It's got that classic early rock-and-roll groove and the lyrics? Boy howdy, it's like an episode of Dobie Gillis...

Eddie invites all the gang over to his house because he's tired of doing homework all week long and his parents are gone. He's "got some money in [his] jeans" that he's apparently going to use to get some food and..ahem...liquid refreshment.

And they are gonna dance up a storm! He and his girlfriend, of course, but he says he's gonna spread the love around and dance with 3 or 4 others as well. It'll be so loud and energetic that the house will actually rock!

In a rare burst of acknowledging reality, Eddie recognizes there may be some unpleasant consequences for him throwing this party:

A-well, we'll really have a party but we gotta put a guard outside

A-if the folks come a-home I'm afraid they're gonna have my hide

They'll be no more movies for a week or two

No more runnin' round with the usual crew

Who cares, c'mon everybody

All of this would be both fine and dandy if it weren't for one thing...Mr. Cochran was 20 years old when he wrote this song.

That strikes me as just the teeniest bit creepy, doncha think?

Sounds Like a Poem

 

'Tis a vile vial lifted to his lips; poison poised at its rim
If he drinks the draft, his life will leave
The prospects he's left? Quite dim

He dreads the dregs but drains it dry. He breathes a breath, aquiver
Shivering, shaking, quaking, quitting
His eyes but silver slivers

If asked, I would accept except for axes on their axes
Spinning on their spines, forbidden
Never ridden in taxis

To add an ad won't aid your aide, I'll advise some advice
Keep your peepers private, people
Put your eyes on ice

I'll walk up the aisle and make an allusion to an ancient illusion, long past
For four fortune tellers to tattle
Left me aghast, so I gasped

24,472 Days and Counting

 

According to Calculate How Many Days You Have Lived, today, being the 67th anniversary of my birth, I am 24,472 days old.

That's 3,496 weeks.

3,496 Monday mornings.

24, 472 instances of closing my eyes and entering the altered state of consciousness known as sleep.

If I've averaged eight hours of sleep a night, I have been asleep for over 22 years.

Then why am I always so tired??!?