Observed Absurdities™ 52 - Toys That Trouble the Mind

 

Right off the bat, let me give a big thank you to B-Rad DontWingDuck for observing today's absurdity and bringing it to my attention just in time for Christmas shopping. It has given me much to ponder...well...at least enough to create a post.

For any vision-challenged members of the congregation, allow me to describe the picture I now set before you. It is a plastic bag with a low-grade cardboard seal, upon which are printed words declaring the contents of the bag to be an ACTION PLAYSET featuring Godzilla (King of the Monsters) vs. Jesus (King of the Jews). The contents of the bag are proudly listed as Godzilla™, Jesus™, and Military Figures.

The size of the military vehicles and infantry personnel, in comparison to Godzilla, appears to be fairly accurate. It makes Godzilla look big enough to wreak significant havoc in Tokyo.

However...

Because Jesus appears to be the same size as Godzilla, that would seem to indicate the Christ the Redeemer statue that overlooks Rio de Janeiro is actual size.

I have a few unresolved questions:

Who trademarked Jesus?

If Jesus and Godzilla are duking it out, which one feels the need to involve the U.S. Military?

What match-ups did Forked Tongue Toys reject before deciding Godzilla vs. Jesus was appropriate?

• Mothra vs. Gandhi?
• King Kong vs. Abraham Lincoln?
• T Rex vs. Tom Hanks?

Forget trying to figure out cold fusion. Get me the answers to these questions so I can start sleeping soundly again!

Not All Women Can BE Surprised, Let Alone Like It

 

Earlier this year was my 42nd wedding anniversary with Beloved. In that time, I have learned many a lesson about human husbandry. The story that follows is how I learned to just give up trying to surprise the woman I love.

Once upon the early Eighties, I was a married college student with one daughter, studying to become a youth minister at a Bible college in Cincinnati, Ohio. (From whence springeth my undying devotion to Skyline Chili.)

In one class session, my youth ministry professor, Rave Streetmug, gave us a plethora of ideas for making our personal visits with the teenagers that would soon be within our spiritual care something memorable. One of those ideas was to take them to McDonald's for a Coke and a conversation...but take along a tablecloth and candles and cloth napkins and glistening stemware to create a semi-formal atmosphere.

I thought that sounded hilarious and that I could use it not only in the context of making a memorable visit with my future youth group members but in livening up a date with Beloved; a date that had to be cheap (see "married college student with one daughter", above).

I secretly gathered the required props: a piece of gold lame' cloth to use as a table covering, a white candle, a gold-leaf candle holder, glasses that didn't have cartoon characters on them...

I printed out an invitation for "a private, semi-formal evening in the company of the man who adores you" and got her to RSVP six days in advance.

The magic evening arrived. I had surreptitiously placed the props in our car's trunk. I had appropriately complimented my bride's beauty and was opening the door to our apartment for her when she said, "We better not be going to McDonald's or something."

The silence that followed was interrupted by the sound of my balloon of hope being deflated with a decidedly flatulent tone.

Blowing My Mind With Heroin

 

I'm a child of the Seventies, which is to say, my coming-of-age just missed "The Summer of Love" but was in full swing in time for the bicentennial of the U.S.A.'s Revolutionary War.

There was definitely a "drug culture", even in my rural high school, but it centered on wacky tobaccy. Add to that my tendency to be a rule-follower and my foundational fear of having my parents catch me doing anything illegal or immoral, and you will surmise that I had no practical knowledge of the harder dopamine-releasing substances like cocaine, heroin, or sexual fulfillment.

And so...

When I saw that Number 448 on the Rolling Stone list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time was "Heroin" by The Velvet Underground, and read lyrics like "Cause it makes me feel like a man when I put a spike into my vein" and "Heroin, it's my wife and it's my life because a mainer to my vein leads to a center in my head, and then I'm better off dead because when the smack begins to flow, I really don't care anymore about all the Jim-Jim's in this town and all the politicians makin' crazy sounds and everybody puttin' everybody else down and all the dead bodies piled up in mounds"...well... I saw all that and I started picturing a shirtless 80's punk rock band screaming into cheap microphones.

Imagine my shocked surprise to learn that Lou Reed wrote the song in 1964.

1964!

As in "I Want to Hold Your Hand" and "Last Kiss", 1964!

As in Louis Armstrong singing "Hello Dolly" was Number Three, 1964!

The big groups were the Beatles, the Beach Boys, and the Supremes. "Velvet Underground" sounds like the title of a cheap porn film.

I was today years old when I learned that I have always been an old coot.

If I Had Been Cast Instead Of...

 

I've been having fun with an app called ReFace, and it has allowed me to show Hollywood the grave mistakes they made when, instead of casting me, they gave significant roles to...

...Ian McKellen

...Michael J. Fox

...Jackie Chan

...Steve Carell

...Clint Eastwood

...Tom Hanks

...Johnny Depp