Headlines to Hope For in 2019

What kind of happiness would be unleashed upon an unsuspecting world if we saw these headlines next year?

Calvin and Hobbes Makes Glorious Return to the Comics Page

Twitter Cancels President Trump's Account

CNN is Replaced by Animal Fails Channel

Movie Popcorn Prices Reduced to Only Cover the Actual Cost

Fred Basset Retires #FredBassetMustDie

Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries and Smart Alecks Tops Best-Seller List

Moratorium Declared on All 2020 Campaign Coverage Until, You Know, 2020

Walt Disney Thaws Out and Stops Production of All "Live Action" Remakes

Make a Non-Christmas Disney Movie Festive

The Hallmark Channel was so pleased with last week's Christmasization of non-Christmas movies, now the Disney Channel has asked for my help as well...

• Snow White and the Seven Elves  -  The woodsman is replaced by an Inuit, who abandons Snow White somewhere near the North Pole.
• Dumbo the Red-Trunked Reinephant
• Cinderclaus
• Alice in Bethlehem
• 20,000 Grinches Under the Sea
• Mrs. Claus and the Tramp  -  This one might actually be rated PG-13 and released through Touchstone Pictures.
• The Sword in the Stocking

• Merry Poppins
• Honey, I Shrink-Wrapped the Kids
• Beauty and the Figgy Pudding
• The Lion King Wenceslas
• The Fruitcake of Notre Dame
• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Magi
• Regifting Nemo

Make a Non-Christmas Movie Festive

I've been called upon to retool some popular movies to help fill up the gap in the Hallmark Channel's practically year-round schedule of Christmas movies...

• Stars Wars: Episode I  -  The Fruitcake Menace
• Star Wars: Episode II  -  Attack of the Amazon Drones
• Star Wars: Episode III  -  Rudolph of the Sith
• Star Wars: Episode IV  -  A New Ho-Ho-Hope
• Star Wars: Episode V  -  The Elves Strike Back
• Star Wars: Episode VI  -  Return of the Unwanted Gift
• Star Wars: Episode VII  -  The Grandpa Awakens
• Star Wars: Episode VIII  -  The Last Eggnog
• While You Were Sleeping with Visions of Sugarplums Dancing in Your Head
• Back to the Ghost of Christmas Future

• Harry Potter and Santa's Stone
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Mistletoe
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the North Pole
• Harry Potter and the Yule Log on Fire
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Magi
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Pudding
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Off-Key Caroler
• Raiders of the Lost Ornament
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of PaRumPumPumPum
• Indiana Jones and the Red Kettle Crusade
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Creche

Click Bait: A Poem

I must admit
I'd like to quit
And stop this dogged, drudging, desperate deadline
I have to seek
Each stinking week
A happy, harmless, halfway-humorous headline

Some clever quip
More smart than flip
To make the masses move their mouse and click-click
An opening phrase
To clear the haze
Seducing several scrollers like a chick flick

It's getting harder
From an empty larder
To promptly pull out people-pleasing pun-puns
Especially when
Stuck in your den
Your mind has melted to a mass of month-old Funyuns

Trudge on, I do
Because of you
My faithful friends, all fortified by laughter
Along with hugs
Grins outlast drugs
Wide smiles are what I want; the wish I'm after