Cure for Insomnia: The 386th Greatest Song

 

Before going through Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, I had never heard of I Know You Got Soul, by Eric B and Rakim. And it never showed up on any Billboard charts, either.

So why is it on this list of greatest songs ever?

Must have a beautiful melody, right?

Wrong.

It's an old school rap: Rhythmic talking over a sterile beat and a few record scratches.

Well then, the lyric must be amazing, right?

Wrong.

Consider the world-changing opening foursome:

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you

Without a strong rhyme to step to

Think of how many weak shows you slept through

Time's up, I'm sorry I kept you

Yeah...well...I'm sorry, too. Sorry I hung around long enough to listen to the whole waste of megabits.

And I feel that from the bottom of the soul I got.

Almost the News XXXII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Two Face Federal Charges in 900-pound Meth Bust
Man! What cup size would that be?

Wheelchair Games Draw Veterans from 41 States
"Look! In this one, I've got the drill sergeant actually smiling."

With Scores Still Missing, a Quest to 'Find Every Soul'
Fans of the Ghost Hunters television series will be glad to know the show will continue, even without background music.

GOP Wants Larger Field in Race for Governor
...otherwise, the runners will always be turning, with no straightaways at all.

Democrats Attack Trump's Tax Bill
Led by Arizona Senator Ruben Gallego, the attack started by coming up the bill's right flank and then sweeping across its path with a barrage of amendments.

U.S. Stocks Back Off Slightly from Highs
"Health reasons" were given as the catalyst for smoking less dope.

Senators Press UHG After Latest Hack
"Once again," said Senator Imma Taylor, "the person we hired for the job failed. He left the UHG so wrinkled, we just had to do the job ourselves."

One Week From Today

 

One week from today
will be three days before you see this
and I will be four days into a trip.
A trip a-way out west
between Billings and Phoenix
(as if you all could even give a rip)

The day after you read this
some nuptials will be celebrated
by a couple unknown to you
She's a grandniece of Beloved
He's a fella, highly-rated
and I'm going for the barbecue

Two weeks from today
our journey will be ended
We'll pull into our drive once more
Perhaps I'll wish these
dates could be amended
More likely, I'll collapse down to the floor

All the Clouds Are Tired of Dancin': The 387th Greatest Song

 

So far, this series of posts on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time has included many a rewritten lyric, plenty of parodies, and several outright lies.

For Elton John's Tiny Dancer, the WorldWideWackfest has beaten me to it, most notably, with the replacement of "Hold me closer, tiny dancer" with "Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

But what about:

• Hold my clothes, Sir Tony Danza.
• Old mean Joseph, mighty Panzer
• Told my story. Might have pantsed her.
• Old meat closed her briny answer

But none of these can match trying to make sense out of the actual lyric:

Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today

Also known as:

Hang on tight, baby, and try to watch the road for me because I'm going to lie down and take a nap...even though YOU'RE the one who's actually been doing anything at all today.

Ah, Bernie Taupin, you're a master.

What If Spielberg Was in the Star Wars Universe?

 

When I saw this parody poster that injected Stephen Spielberg's original blockbuster Jaws into the entertainment behemoth known as Star Wars, and knowing that Mr. Spielberg and Star Wars creator George Lucas are personal friends, it set my mind to wandering and wondering: What if Spielberg made all his movies part of what took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Droid Duel  -  A business commuter is pursued and terrorized by a malevolent artoo unit.

Stormtroopers of the Lost Ark  -  Archaeologist Indiana Jones is tasked by the Rebel Alliance to help locate a legendary ancient power, the Ark of the Coruscant, before the Galactic Empire gets it.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial  -  Technically, this movie is already part of the Star Wars canon.

The Color Purple  -  A whole movie about Mace Windu's very special lightsaber

Empirassic Park  -  An industrialist invites some experts to visit his theme park of cloned tauntauns and banthas. After a power failure, the creatures run loose, putting everyone's lives in danger.

Saving Private Wicket-  Following the Battle for Endor, a group of rebel fighters go behind enemy lines to retrieve an ewok whose brothers have been killed in action.

Amazon Amazement: I'm on the Best Sellers List

 

In an exercise of utter ego and self-importance, and to test-drive the capabilities of Amazon's direct publishing services, I have created an official piece of Almost the Truth merch that you can customize into your own vision of what a book should be.

Because you'll be the one writing it.

It's called a journal, but you can think of it as a diary if you want.

It's called a journal, but you can think of it as a low-tech repository of your ideas.

It's called a journal, but you can  ---  yeah, well...it's a book with 150 blank pages.

But the amazing thing is that it has made Amazon's Best Sellers list!

Wait a minute...I may have cropped that screenshot a little.

There. That's better.

But where it lands in that list has nothing to do with me. Remember, YOU'RE the author!

And here's where you can buy your book: https://a.co/d/ev9ZGP7

150 lined pages for you to write your own stuph on. Document your life. Create analog reminders of your brilliant ideas. Preserve for posterity a turn of phrase, a probing question, or an awesome recipe. The contents of this book are up to you because you're the one writing it...fact or fiction.

Greasepaint Love: The 388th Greatest Song

 

According to Rolling Stone, "Sting came up with the idea for [Roxanne] while wandering around the red-light district of Paris after a canceled show, wondering what it would be like to be in love with a prostitute."

What if he had been wandering around a circus and wondering what it would be like to be in love with a clown?

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose
Those days are over
You don't have to seltzer friends through that rose

Roxanne
You don't have to wear those shoes tonight
Flap your feet for money
You don't have to greasepaint your face white

I loved you since you popped out
Of that tiny little car
You think you're just a fool
But I know that you're a star

I know my mind is made up
So put away your make-up
Told you once, I won't tell you again
It's a bad way

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose