I've been known to crack wise about signs in restaurants' restrooms forcing me to wait for an employee to show up and wash my hands for me. You know..."Employees must wash hands before returning to work."
That's based on reading the signs in a very strict manner, but I can find absolutely NO way to read the following sign that would result in me being willing to have McDonalds put ice in my drink.
Yee...and may I say...IKES!
In past times passed
Pipes that leeched lead led to untimely deaths
And 'twasn't a rare thing when bread bred old mold
Did you ever break a brake?
It's a hard habit to halt
Your ewe of yore would need an aide to aid her
I bid bye-bye by buying passage
On a plain plane to two towns
I soon sighted the sites from somewhere in the air
I was sealing my ceiling
When I sensed a scent that sent me reeling
Checking if I needed to close my clothes
But still...
I know no reason to not knot my mai tai tie.
"Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult has to be the strangest attempt to ask a girl out that has ever been composed.
Behold...
You get what it's saying, right?
Yee...and may I say...ikes!
You could probably file these under Prayer Requests.
Skyline Chili Opens Its Newest Location in Apple Valley, MN
Rich Mullins Returns from the Grave with 5 New Albums
Olympic Esports Recognized as Glorified Pac-Man
Streaming Services that Charge Fees Stop Running Ads
Calorie-Free Doughnuts Pass All Taste Tests
"Reality" Television Officially Cancelled by All Entertainment Outlets
Waco Texas Installs Dr Pepper Fountains in Public Parks
Waste-of-Ink Comic Strip Fred Bassett Finally Shuts Down #FredBassettMustDie
Having foolishly skipped over the 1980s in last year's transmogrification of hit songs into holiday songs, our editors have gathered here today to oversee the fixing of that grievous oversight.
Crazy Little Thing Called Eggnog - ♫♪ This thing...called eggnog...I just...can't handle it ♪♫
I Love a Snowy Night - Eddie Rabbitt's winter update to his Number One hit
The Sleigh Is High - ♫♪ The sleigh is high so I'm holding on ♪♫
High Fructose and Red Dye 3 - Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder remake "Ebony & Ivory" for the Christmas candy season
All Night Long (Santa's Ride) - ♫♪ Ho ho, my friends, the time has come to land on the roof and hand out fun ♪♫
Born of a Virgin - Madonna sings about her namesake
Toybusters - ♫♪ When the gift you got...just plain don't work...who ya gonna blame? Toybusters! ♪♫
Greatest Ghost of All - Whitney Houston had a huge hit with the theme song to A Christmas Carol
The Sleigh You Make Me Feel - ♫♪ The sleigh you make me feel. The gift I'm forced to give. The knockoff bargain bin...♪♫
Walk Like an Egyptian - Few people realize this Bangles hit is about the holy family's post-Bethlehem escape
Don't Worry, Be Jolly - ♫♪ Here's a little song I wrote to help Santa not slice his throat" Don't worry. Be Jolly. ♪♫
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2 laments shopping at the last minute
What if some of the greatest rock acts of all time were bought out by the Walt Disney Company? (With thanks to Dan Piraro's Bizarro comic for the inspiration)
Fleetwood Mickey
Cindiella Lauper sings "Princesses Just Wanna Have Fun"
Tinker Swift
...Well...maybe not so sweet...
Why don't stores that sometimes have Quaker Oat Squares always have Quaker Oat Squares?
Who was the first to wonder about the chucking abilities of a woodchuck?
In the song Why Do Fools Fall in Love?, which came first, being foolish or being in love?
Why is minute spelled the same as minute? (As in, "It took me a minute to find the minute error.")
When I am inching my way backward out of a parking space, obviously unable to see if any other vehicle is approaching because of the cars parked on either side of me, why in the name of Farnsworth would you speed up to place your vehicle directly in my path?
Why is august spelled the same as August? (As in, "The august event will take place in August.")
And while we're at it, why do the words chew, chef, and chemistry all start with the same two letters but different sounds?
