Observed Absurdities™ 72 - Is This Gluten Free?

 

Beloved and I received a wedding invitation that has thrown us for a loop.

The earliness of the invitation in relation to the date of the event is fine.

The expected level of attire and decorum is well within the boundaries of reason.

However...

The menu options...oh my...

As a grandparent, I have been known to say "You're so sweet, I could just gobble you up," but I never expected to be taken seriously.

A Vegetarian's Lit Mom: Movie Title Anagrams

 

Twisting letters. Twisting plots.

• Twelve Angry Men = Warm Gent Evenly (A dozen chefs argue how best to cook a refined man.)
• Return of the King = Fuehrer Knotting (The final Lord of the Rings film is about Hitler's hobby during his final days.)
• Pulp Fiction = Clip Fop Unit (Drastic surgery on an effeminate man)
• The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly = A Tough Tho Lengthy Bad Deed (Yep, that covers it.)

This is what happens when you let AI create a graphic for "A Tough Tho Lengthy Bad Deed"

• Forrest Gump = Forgets Rump (And I thought MY memory was bad!)
• The Matrix = Max Tither (Neo gives more to his church than anyone else.)
• It's a Wonderful Life = A Definite Fowl Slur ("In the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little chicken!")
• Saving Private Ryan = Ivy Narrates Paving (A verbal creeping vine tells the tale of building a road.)
• Shawshank Redemption = A Sharpened Moth Winks (You only THOUGHT he dug his way out with a rock hammer.)
• The Godfather = The Hog Farted ("Leave the gun. Take the bacon.")

Falling in...Love?: The 394th Greatest Song

 

"Can't Help Falling in Love" was given to Elvis for his movie Blue Hawaii, but it was originally written for an unproduced film, White Minnesota.

Park guides say

It's too late to skate

But I can't help falling through ice in March

Shall I stay?

Will it seal your fate

If I can't help falling through ice in March?

When the water flows

Just beneath your feet

Darling, so it goes

Plunging cannot be beat

Take my hand

Save my life, don't be harsh

For I can't help falling through ice in March

Marriage Tip #237: Do Not Attempt to Even the Score

 

I had a laughable conversation with a friend.

He told me his wife has an...interesting...behavior pattern when they are relaxing on the couch watching a television show or movie.

Apparently, she feels it is necessary to point out to her husband whenever an actor she considers good-looking appears on the screen.

As in "That guy right there is good-looking. I'm just saying."

My friend wasn't sure what kind of societal catastrophe or black hole of ignorance was being avoided by her "just saying" this information.

I said I wasn't sure either, but I AM sure of something else: He would be wise to refrain from returning the favor. You know, just keep his opinions about the relative attractiveness of any given actress completely to himself.

Neither of us wanted to even think about how that exchange would go down.

Then my friend added this "ba-dum-tiss" final thought: "And the thing is. None of these so-called good-looking men look anything at all like me."

Observed Absurdities™ 71 - Available at Your Local Grocer

Here in the final throes of winter (which, in Minnesota, could go on for another two months), it is important to find joy in even the simplest things in life.

Take grocery shopping.

Please.

I am blessed that Beloved deems herself to be totally capable of shopping for groceries by herself. (I try to tell myself it has nothing to do with a lack of faith in MY ability to do it.) Even so, there are times when I tag along to push the cart and reach things on the top shelf.

It was during just such an excursion recently that I observed the following absurdity:

A profound question indeed.

Makes me ponder:

*   Baby Needs Hygiene Paper
          (Well duh)

*   Cereal Bug Killer
          (Call Criminal Minds!)

*   Soda Chips Artichoke
       (So, the chips are to choke)

 

Oh No No No No: The 395th Greatest Song

 

Writer/Producer Shadow Morton claims to have written "Remember (Walkin' in the Sand)" in 20 minutes on the way to the studio.

I believe him.

Seems like the other day

My baby went away

He went away 'cross the sea

It's been two years or so

Since I saw my baby go

And then this letter came for me

It said that we were through

He found somebody new

Oh, let me think, let me think, what can I do?

Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no 

A few things about this:

       1.  The simple rhymes and barely-moving melody line not only make me believe he wrote it in 20 minutes, but it also makes me wonder why it took that long.

       2.  AND...why does Rolling Stone consider it the 395th Greatest Song of All Time?

       3.  Let me get this straight. The boyfriend moved across the ocean and TWO YEARS LATER sends a "Dear Jane" letter?

       4.  AND...after all that time, the jilted girlfriend is distraught and bewildered? Like she didn't see it coming?

P.S.  The one thing that probably made Shadow Morton proud to have the writing credit for this dreck is how many times the "Oh no no no no" line has been used in commercials. ♫♪ Baby, you're a rich man ♪♫

A Valentine Poem

 

Your Eyes

Your eyes reached out and grabbed my heart

The first time that we met

I was sure they were as big

As any eyes could get

They spoke to me of trust and joy

And places they had seen

They bragged of mysteries they'd solved

With intellect so keen

They filled me in on days gone by

On dangers beaten down

They told tall tales of past defeats

And times you'd won the crown

They whispered both of hunger

And of overflowing cup

They jabbered on so ceaselessly

I wished they'd just shut up.