Meat Demotion: The 408th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Rolling Stone called Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion" the 408th greatest song, but once again, they are proving themselves desperate to pad the list. Sure, by making it to Number 36, it was Aerosmith's first Top 40 "hit". But the almost non-existent melody and generically-suggestive lyrics leave me feeling...meh.

As if they were singing about vegetarianism...and bored about it.

Meat demotion

Meat demotion

Talk about things like cabbage and beets

Eating other things that nobody eats

You're grilling a steak but I got to make clear

That's a place I just won't go near

Some wannabe mama who looks like a dork

Said my favorite thing is barbequed pork

Well I got good news, she's a real good liar

'Cause I don't touch pig that's been through the fire

Meat demotion

Meat demotion

I pulled into town, didn't know where to park it

Your daddy said go to the farmer's market

You're telling me things that you want me to buy

Like two dozen eggs and a big ribeye

You stand in the front just a-chewin' your chicken

But my tofu's the thing that keeps me tickin'

I'll talk about something you can sure understand

I'll never eat nothing not grown from the land

Snacks Nobody Is Looking For

 

I admit to becoming temporarily enamored with the ability of artificial intelligence applications to create images out of thin air by just responding to my warped imagination. THAT'S how the following graphics of foodstuffs-searching-for-someone-to-love-them came into existence.

For vegetarian cookie-lovers:

Making Brussel Sprouts palatable by covering them in chocolate:

Putting new meaning to the term "cat-lover":

The original concept for lutefisk:

My favorite: "Slow-cooked", HAHAHA!

#PutAnAnimalInASixtiesSongTitle

 

The Sixties brought us girl groups, sit-ins, and power to the non-people.

Jumping Jack Rabbit  -  There is some controversy about whether this Rolling Stones hit is actually about a bouncing bunny.

Ring of Fireflies  -  ♫♪ "I fell in to a burnin' ring of fireflies. They went round, round, round. Couldn't follow them with my eyes." ♪♫

My Gorilla  -  The Temptations sing about sunshine on a cloudy day and the joys of owning their own exotic primate.

Stop in the Name of Dove  -  ♫♪ "Stop in the name of dove before you fly away." ♪♫

The Tracks of My Bears  -  Smokey Robinson & the Miracles' take on hunting several grizzlies at once

Mouse of the Rising Sun  -  ♫♪ "There is...a mouse...in New Orleans..." ♪♫

Penguin's Got a Brand New Bag  -  James Brown was one of the first to jump on the ecology bandwagon when he sang this song about relocating penguins.

Bad Coon Rising  -  ♫♪ "I see a racoon in the corn field. I know there's trouble on the way." ♪♫

She Loves Ewe  -  The Beatles had a huge hit with this reworking of "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

The Hound of Silence  -  ♫♪ "And the people whistled loud for the dog lost in the crowd. They put a sign up in the local park about the puppy that just couldn't bark, And the sign said, 'Call this number if you find him and you've got a phone. Poor dog's alone. We're missing the hound of silence'." ♪♫

Wicked Guitar Solo of the West: The 409th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Eric Clapton played lead guitar.

That's probably why this made Rolling Stone's list of the greatest songs of all time, because other than that, it's a pretty standard blues progression with unimpressive words. In fact, they might benefit from a little almost-style explanation:

I went down to the crossroads
       Apparently, some of the streets in Los Angeles are not happy

Fell down on my knees
       Fun Fact: Clapton filed a workman's compensation claim after recording this song

Asked the Lord above for mercy
"Save me if you please"
       Sources are not convinced this was an authentic conversion experience

I went down to the crossroads
Tried to flag a ride
       Cream bassist, Jack Bruce, attempted to be the starter for some street drag races

Nobody seemed to know me
Everybody passed me by
       Being passed by cars had nothing to do with being unrecognized and everything to do with the fact he was standing in the middle of the road

I'm going down to Rosedale
       An enclosed shopping mall in Roseville, Minnesota

Take my rider by my side
       Talk-to-text technology misspelled this reference to going to the mall with his lyricist

You can still barrelhouse, baby
On the riverside
       A veiled threat that if this song doesn't become a hit, the writer may return to being homeless and living in a large wooden cask next to a van down by the river

You can run, you can run
       The person being sung to is able to rapidly move forward by foot

Tell my friend-boy Willie Brown
       Coded message that is actually asking if the singer's boyfriend is planning on getting a tan

And I'm standing at the crossroads
Believe I'm sinking down
       "I'm melting! Melting! What a world! What a world!"

#PutAnAnimalInAFiftiesSongTitle

 

The Fifties were years of rocking, rolling, and pure animal energy.

Donkey Cruel  -  Elvis sings of a heartless burro.

That'll Be the Jay  -  ♫♪ "That'll be the jay; the bird that's so blue. That'll be the jay just a singing for you. That'll be the jay, learning to fly. That'll be the jay-ay-ay in the sky!" ♪♫

Blueberry Krill  -  A fruity seafood dish where Fats Domino found his thrill

Ain't Cat Ashamed  -  ♫♪ "You made (boom, boom) me cry (boom, boom) when you scratched (boom, boom) my eye. Ain't cat ashamed? My tears fell like rain." ♪♫

Rock and Vole Music  -  A little tune for a little mouse by Chuck Berry

Groundhog*  -  ♫♪ "You ain't nothin' but a groundhog, diggin' in the ground..." ♪♫

Stoat Gets in Your Eyes  -  The Platters sing a warning about a weasel.

Hart Breaks Hotel  -  ♫♪ "When Bambi crashed into the lobby, it was quite the tale to tell. The headline read next morning: "Hart Breaks Hotel" ♪♫

Snake Up Little Susie  -  The Everly Brothers sing the terrifying tale of a girl, a snake, and a toilet.

_______
* Yes, it IS weird to take a song that alREADY had an animal in the title and almostify it.

The Third and Final #MakeAMovieEdible

 

I just can't eat another bite.

There Will Be Blood Pudding  -  A story of family, religion, hatred, oil, and gross UK cooking

Filleting Nemo  -  Oh my, let's skip the description here, shall we?

Monty Python and the Holy Quail  -  "Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of ornithology."

Dial M for Mackerel  -  A former tennis star arranges the murder of his adulterous wife by blunt force trauma with a fish.

Lox, Stock and Two Smoking Bagels  - High-stakes poker at a local deli

Gone With the Rind  -  "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a lime."

Harry Potter and the Takeout Order of the Phoenix  -  A mythical bird rises from the ashes and gets the orange chicken.

The Sound of Mueslix  -  Sister Maria chews her breakfast with her mouth open.

Dead Poultry Society  -  "Seize the drake, boys!"

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Bean Chili  -  And you thought being one of the undead was bad...

Proof the Editors of Rolling Stone Were Actually Stoned: The 410th Greatest Song of All Time

 

"Monkey Gone to Heaven" by the Pixies is NOT a great song.

Behold:

• Its melody is almost nonexistent.
• Its lyric is, as confessed by its composer, Black Francis, lacking coherent meaning.
• It never made the charts.
• The phrase "monkey gone to heaven" never even appears in the song.

The phrase that DOES get repeated and repeated and repeated is "This monkey's gone to heaven."

After a while, it even stops sounding like that's what they're saying...

This monkey's gone to heaven

This money's long too leavened

This muck keeps bongs in head bed

Thick mud seeps strong to deadheads