Monday, March 17, 2008

50 Ways III

Sifting through "50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2008," from the January 7 issue of U. S. News & World Report:

4. Turn your work into your workout.
I've read about this in two different places now, so it's on the verge of becoming a wildfire trend. Apparently, it's not enough anymore to simply do one's job. Or even to dependably do one's job. Or efficiently. The Big Thing now is to not only do one's job, but to also increase one's cardio-vascular health, drop a few pounds, and sweat like a politician in front of an ethics review board.

All it is, is walking on a treadmill while doing that all-important computer work, and there are two reasons it will never last: 1) It doesn't have a catchy name. What would you call it, anyway? Workwalking? "Walking 9 to 5, what a way to make a livin'...." 2) With a treadmill going all the time, I can't hear my manager coming down the hall soon enough to minimize my game of Scrabulous.

5. Waltz your way to better fitness.
I quote U. S. News' January W. Payne: "Learning [to dance] can be fun, and it provides a good workout, as demonstrated by celebs like Marie Osmond, who reportedly lost 31 pounds while participating in the popular TV show, [Dancing With the Stars]."

Yeah...but did we forget that it was also demonstrated how fast a celeb can hit the stage floor face first when said celeb passes out? Besides, with all the workwalking going on, who needs another workout? I tried working on this idea, but it just doesn't work for me. Too much stress and not enough chocolate. (See Way No. 7)

6. Detox your household cleaning products.
It seems that most of those wonder-working, grease-fighting, germ-killing blessings of the modern age are actually bad for us. (Well, surprise, surprise...stop the presses.) It is suggested that we Go Green (insert retching sound here) and get rid of anything with ammonia or bleach in it, along with those nasty-nasty dyes and fragrances. Instead, we can create our own weaponry against grime using ingredients we already have: vinegar, baking soda, and baby spittle.

7. Bite into dark chocolate.
Finally! Finally a suggestion on how to better my life in 2008 that I can get excited about! Chocolate with a cocoa content of at least 70% "appears to help lower blood pressure and boost blood flow to the heart and brain."

I can see it now. College students around the world are saying, "I've got a big test tomorrow...gotta go make a Hershey's run." The doctor looks at his clipboard and announces, "Good news, Mrs. Bingchortle, you've got high blood pressure. Here, have some Godiva."

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