BOGO

I've recently been bombarded with the supposedly wonderful retail news that I can BOGO. 

Payless Shoes says I can BOGO. 

Applebee's has a BOGO drink special going on. 

Here a BOGO, there a BOGO, everywhere a BOGO-BOGO. 

And what does BOGO stand for? Buy One Get One 

Well, excuse me, but isn't that what one would normally expect from any purchasing transaction?

Wet Carpet: This Is Not an Instruction

It started with a wet spot on the carpet. This is not such an abnormal experience in the Roth household: have I introduced you to our two dog-like creatures?

On the left is Edgar, on the right is Connor, and stuck in the middle with you is KayJay. (KayJay is NOT one of the dog-like creatures of which I am speaking, so that leaves us all to deduce that it must be the decidedly rat-like creatures, Edgar and Connor to which I refer.) 

Let me explain that we have been tempted to rename these two marginally-canine companions Cate and Nate...as in Defecate and Urinate...signifying what they each are more prone to do in the house than in the backyard. 

That being the case, a wet spot on the carpet was not so much a cause for alarm as for aggravation. It smelled like Connor's particularly pungent variety of cologne and he was immediately blamed, ridiculed and ostracized. 

This repeated itself several times, in fact, until I started wondering why Connor always seemed to decide to express his manliness when the air conditioning was running. 

To make a longer story shorter, let's just say that we discovered that a leaky air conditioner, not a leaky pooch, was the source of the wet spot. Of course, this was not determined without the need of cutting a hole in the wall to gain visual access to the rear of the offending unit and a subsequent visit by our friendly, neighborhood RepairGuy to see if the leak could be fixed. 

With coils properly cleaned and alignment impressively fiddled with and a lot of talk using words to which I smiled and grunted as if I had an inkling of a clue as to what RepairGuy was saying, the leak appears to be fixed. 

That's good news for our carpet, but now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to apologize for unnecessary scoldings to a creature that has a brain the size of a walnut...a very small, smooth walnut.

ACT NOW!

The World Wide Wackfest is a marvelous thing. Using the appeal of the Internet, a person can take items that would normally be tossed aside as outdated, useless, or at the very least, quaint, and turn them into money-making opportunities of astounding proportions.

Observe:

What child could possibly resist the charm of a plastic, wind-up walking crab advertising Seattle? For a short time only, you can experience the thrill of the hunt as you find this little guy on ebay and enter into the bidding frenzy that is sure to ensue! With perseverance and determination, YOU could be the one to have this priceless souvenir shipped directly to your home or place of business! Click here: http://cgi.ebay.com/Seattle-Souvenir-Walking-Crab-Toy-/320559080911?cmd=ViewItem&pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item4aa2cf65cf


Or maybe classic entertainment is more to your liking: Imagine the joy on your child's face as you pop the fully restored, special edition of Disney's The Little Mermaid into your VCR! Relive the magical, musical moments of this film that marked the rebirth of Disney's animation department and ancillary marketing prowess. See it in all its VHS glory by clicking and bidding: http://cgi.ebay.com/Disneys-The-Little-Mermaid-Special-Edition-VHS-/320557802461?cmd=ViewItem&pt=VHS&hash=item4aa2bbe3dd

And finally, for those with slightly more sophisticated tastes: You can immerse yourself in the wizarding world of Harry Potter without going to Orlando or taking out a second mortgage! All you have to do is be the highest bidder at http://cgi.ebay.com/Harry-Potter-and-Sorcerers-Stone-VHS-w-new-footage-/320557808320?cmd=ViewItem&pt=VHS&hash=item4aa2bbfac0! Go back to where it all began with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, now with Never-Before-Seen Footage! (And we're not talking about close-ups of Hagrid's toes, baby!)

These fantastic opportunities are only up for bid for a few days, so don't delay, or, or...or...well, golly! That would just be so not swell...

Almost the News VIII

Drive to Free Attorney Grows
The no-charge services of a lawyer have never been "just around the corner," but now one can expect even more highway time before getting there. 

Man's Shooting May Be Hate Crime
As a matter of fact, the chances of it being a love crime are practically zero. 

Ikea Recalls Blinds That Choked Child
Quoting a company-wide electronic newsletter: "That set of blinds was a beautiful shade of light brown; I remember them distinctly." 

Bill Would Trim Bankers' Say at Fed Banks
Who this guy, Bill, is, and why he has so much influence, is yet to be determined. 

Big Signs Will Be Allowed on Parkway
The city of Burnsville will suspend enforcement of its signage ordinance on Burnsville Parkway during road construction this summer, but the large signs are required to maintain a minimum speed of 35 miles per hour. 

Troops Targeting Taliban Leaders
In an attempt to gain a foothold for democracy and capitalism, U.S. troops in Afghanistan have been taking leaders of the insurgency on shopping sprees. 

Pavano's Latest Gem Halts Twins' Slide
A recent trip to a playground was cut short for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen when a new diamond was put up for sale.

Hey, Dewey, why haven't you posted anything recently?

Possibly random concepts and/or factual facts that may or may not pertain to the above question:

• One of the driving forces behind Almost the Truth is seeing humor in the plethora of situations in which one finds oneself.
• There is often humor to be mined from what is actually a painful experience.
• Humor mined from pain is often not humorous to the actual person experiencing the actual pain.
• Since June 9th, my life has kept a fairly tight orbit around the planet of Beloved's knee replacement surgery and the recovery from said surgery.
• As a general rule, Beloved does not read Almost the Truth.
• Most general rules have at least one major exception.
• (Insert Murphy's Law here.)
• I know which side of the bread my butter is on.

Waiting Room

Here I sit, where families wait
While Beloved gets help for her gait
Our 31st to celebrate

What to get her for a present?
More costly than glass over pheasant
A new right knee: Oh my! How pleasant!

When they wheeled her through the door
I can't say that it was a bore
But I've had deja vu before

When 30 years we had been wed
To this same room I had been led
A new left knee laid her in bed

Back then, I felt a whole lot dumber
Than I do this cusp of summer
Now I know PT's a bummer

But still, we let the surgeon slice
To walk pain-free will be so nice
And so we've let him do it twice

No...surgery is not a curse
It certainly could be much worse:
I could compose a longer verse!

What's the Opposite of False Humility?

Every so often, I click my way over to amazon.com and search on "Almost the Truth about Youth Ministry" just to see if the book-selling behemoth is still making my tome available...or to see if anyone else has written a review. (Thanks, Denise Grove [classmate from high school], for "Funny, funny, funny! Dewey Roth should have written a longer book. I read it in one sitting. It left me wanting more.")

It's always a nice feeling to see it there, but imagine the stuh-range feeling I had when this was my search result:

I know that screenshot might be hard to read, so let me elucidate and illuminate...or at least ruminate. 

Brand new for $9.95. [UPDATED UPDATE, NOW THE TRUTH CAN BE TOLD: This book now costs only $6 at Lulu!] That makes perfect sense. That's what a person would pay at http://stores.lulu.com/deweyroth.

I can even kind of understand "12 new from $8.36." Lulu.com being the only place where the book is actually available, (if amazon sells a copy, they have to buy it from lulu.com first) there are apparently some independent sellers out there willing to take a $1.59 loss in hopes of making it up with inflated shipping charges. Okay...fine.

But here's what does a fairly fine job of confusing me beyond the bounds of my normal, loose grasp of reality: "2 used from $16.27"? And to be exact, one seller is offering a "used--like new" copy for $16.27 and a different seller has decided he/she can't let a copy go for anything under $16.28.

Wha--?!!?

Are there people out there who just refuse to get a decent bargain and insist, instead, on paying over 63.5% more? For a used copy? (And True Truth be told, you and I both know those sellers haven't purchased a copy from lulu.com yet, so if anyone is fool enough to order from them, it will be an absolutely new copy.)

What is this...the 1980s?

Of course, the best solution to it all is for you fine folks to order a copy directly from lulu.com, so the pauper-esque publisher (me) gets a bigger share of your hard-earned greenbacks. THAT'LL teach those unscrupulous up-markers of others' output!