Good Christian men, rejoice!

I went caroling a week and a half ago. The reason I'm finally writing about it now is that it has taken me this long to recover.

This was not a pleasant stroll through the neighborhood with a group of guys and gals, getting invited in for hot chocolate and cookies. No. This was a group of 11 men on a mission to spread good cheer, like it or not.

You've got to understand: When left to their own devices, men carol the way they shop. You know what I mean, don't you? When women shop, it's an opportunity to leisurely examine all the wonderful options available...preferably with a friend or two so that it can also be a social event. But men? When men shop, they've got a list (that they've already checked twice) and they know exactly in which store they are going to purchase the items on said list. In. Out. Done. No browsing, no comparing fine details, and as little time away from the television remote as possible.

Operation Manly Caroling was the same way. We met at the church building, piled into three vehicles, and were off to remind all in our path of the sweet baby Jesus asleep in the hay on a silent night in a little town. We drove to a series of houses, though only the event organizers in the first vehicle knew to whom the houses belonged...and I'm not really sure I didn't just lie by saying that they knew.

There was someone home at only half of the houses. None of them knew we were coming (so, of course, they didn't bake a cake...or cookies...or make hot chocolate). And we actually got chased away from one house with a threat that the police would be called...by the neighbors...when they heard the shotgun blasts that were about to happen if we didn't "get [our] fa-la-las off [his] property."

We should have known it was going to be an interesting night at our very first stop: a nursing home. We strolled in to the sun room with smiles on our faces and a "hope you don't mind if we sing a few Christmas carols" on our lips. And to tell you the truth, it looked like we were immediately having an evangelistic effect, because a woman started praying right away. At least I think she was praying. I know she closed her eyes (rather tightly), turned her head away from us, and intoned, "Oh, God..."

The real clue that we maybe weren't getting off on the right foot was when someone turned up the TV so they could hear "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." An employee turned it back down and started moving the gal closer to the set. Apparently, the quiz show fan wasn't used to getting moved around and yelled, "What are you doing?"

"These men have come to sing some Christmas carols, and so--"

"I don't care what they came to do. Leave me alone and give me back the clicker!"

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

I found a new hero that night. She had bluish hair...and a decent right hook.

Tootsie Lovers, unite!

Sometimes, life just piles up on you until you get crushed by the sheer mass of it all.

It's not enough that everything from poor retail sales to less-than-glorious church offerings can be blamed on The Recession. 

It's not enough that Chicago's song, "Dialogue (Part I & II)," especially the part about "does it make you angry, the way war is draggin' on," is still appropriate thirty-seven years later. (For a vintage video of a live performance, click here.) [However, it IS nice that the song ends on an optimistic note...several notes, actually.)

It's not even enough that Jessica Biel is still a member of the Screen Actor's Guild, in spite of incontrovertible evidence that she cannot, in fact, act.

No, gentle readers, all of this pales in comparison to the one thing I recently discovered that, to this very moment, has me looking over my shoulder to see if the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are approaching.

Tootsie Roll Pops now come in Pomegranate. Pomegranate! This disturbs me for two reasons:

• Who decided that Grape, Cherry, Chocolate, Raspberry, and Orange weren't good enough anymore? Was there some kind of secret poll taken that I missed out on? (Okay, I'll admit that Chocolate leaves a little to be desired on the flavor scale. In the candy drawer under my Grandma Roth's refrigerator, they were always the last to be taken; along with the jawbreakers that had escaped their wrappings and rolled around collecting dust, lint, and roach spittle.)
• Who are the fine folks at Tootsie trying to kid? Do they think that we'll think that adding pomegranate flavoring to their high fructose corn syrup actually makes a TRP, you know, healthy?!? What's next, Acai Berry? Broccoli?

But hey, maybe we should take a cue from Chicago and decide that if individuals get together, they can have a positive influence on the world. I'm thinking...Tootsie Roll Pops with the heavenly flavor of Dr. Pepper.

We can make it happen. Yeah! We can make it happen!

Thanksgiving: Let there be Skyline Chili!

The recently-passed Thanksgiving weekend was positively swell for several reasons, not the least of which was seeing a great-niece be baptized with water from the Jordan River. (How cool is that?!!?) It was also far more glorious than grand to have all my siblings together for the first time in three years and indulge in an obscene amount of food.

But I must confess, with a slight bit of shame, that the most enjoyable repast of the weekend didn't happen at Clarence and Georgina's table, surrounded by children young and old. The best meal of all didn't consist of deep-fried turkey and sweet potato casserole. No, my friends, the food that found me smiling the broadest was enjoyed in the company of AngelFace and KayJay in a shiny vinyl booth at an eatery in Anderson, Indiana...72 miles from my folks' place.

Behold, if you will, the sumptuousness that is Skyline Chili:

For those who are fans of Skyline Chili, I apologize for making you drool while so close to a computer.

For those who are repulsed by Skyline Chili, may God have mercy on your soul.

Let a professional do it

The current fear of swine flu or pigs flying or whatever it is has gotten completely out of hand. It's to the point where McDonald's doesn't trust us mere amateurs to properly wash our hands.

I was stuck in the restroom for 47 minutes, waiting for an employee to show up.

Almost the News V

At Ford, UAW Braces for Still More Concessions 

Dearborn, Michigan-based Ford Motor Company is the center of a new controversy with the United Auto Workers, as an over-abundance of hot dogs, nachos, and popcorn soaked with artificially-butter-flavored oil by-products is said to be heading toward the lunchroom. 

Reward Offered in McDonald's Holdup 

A $1,ooo reward is being offered to the perpetrators of a daring, daytime robbery of a local McDonald's. Says McDonald's manager, Ray Onions, "It was just such a perfectly planned and executed robbery, we think their excellence deserves extra recognition."

Rude Behavior Increases in College Courses 

Excellent grades are being earned in Flipping the Bird 101 and Advanced Cinema Cell Phone Use. 

Dip in Jobless Claims a Surprise 

Workers in the Labor Department were curious as to why the Secretary of Labor had requested that paper copies of all new unemployment benefits applications be piled into an empty swimming pool. Their curiosity turned to utter surprise when the Secretary took a running jump off the diving board and cannonballed into them. 

Woman Hit by Transit Bus in Critical Condition 

Of course, the question still remains: If the bus was in such bad condition, why was it in operation in the first place? 

Woman Sought in Bank Robbery 

An unusual note was passed to a teller at the TCF Bank inside Lexington Avenue's Cub Foods: "Fill this bag with tens and twenties, and can you tell me where Judy is?" 

Health Care Bill Clears the House 

Apparently, legislators were so appalled at the rampant spending included in the latest version of the health care bill that when it was introduced everyone ran out of the building.

The early bird gets the earworm

A quarterly round-up of those annoying songs that forced themselves into my head upon my waking from a perfectly good night's sleep.


AUGUST
8 – Key Largo (Bertie Higgins)
9 – Fill My Cup, Lord (Debbie Roth) Starts with the old hymn, but then breaks into a suhweet, swampy, can’t-keep-from-clapping thang.
20 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers)
21 – Baby, I Love Your Way (Peter Frampton)
26 – Nowhere Man (Do I really need to say who the artist is on this one? If so, you have no business following this blog, you sniveling, ignorant piece of flotsam, you.)
31 – Soften Your Heart (Keith Green) Hmmm…after what I just wrote about those who may not be familiar with the Beatles’ catalogue, perhaps I really needed the message of this song.

SEPTEMBER
1 – Take Me to the River of Living Water (Debbie Roth) The slightly spooky factual fact is that, when I cranked up the car to go to work this morning, guess what song started playing?
4 – We Look to You (Debbie Roth) This preponderance of songs by Beloved showing up in my head is understandable: her third CD, drenched in HOPE, has just been released, and I’m working on my parts to sing with her…apparently, even in my sleep.
8 – All the Earth (Worship song that we sang two days ago, so maybe it makes sense that it’s still in my head)
24 – Can’t Buy Me Love (yep…the Fab Four, once again)
28 – Coffee in a Cardboard Cup (from the musical, 70, Girls, 70)
29 – You’re the One that I Want (John Revolting & Olivia Neutron Bomb)

OCTOBER
1 – Don’t Pull Your Love Out on Me Baby (Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds)
8 – Starlight Starbright (2nd Chapter of Acts)
9 – My Little Town (Simon & Garfunkel) Don’t remember it? Click this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxuEr_p8Z4o
13 – Wells Fargo Wagon (from the musical, The Music Man)
21 – I Just Want to be Your Everything (Andy Gibb) And curse you, Pier One and your Muzak, for planting this in my brain last night.
23 – Dancing Queen (Abba)
25 – Whenever I Call You Friend (Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks) When I heard this on the radio last night, I was all “Oh, wow! I haven’t heard this for years!” Now, I’m not quite as excited.)
29 – If You Love Me Let Me Know (Olivia Newton John)

You had to be there...

...and even then, you wouldn't have laughed as hard as I did.

Allow me to explain:

I was watching an episode of The Time Tunnel at hulu.com. Not familiar with The Time Tunnel? It was a one-season, hour-long drama that originally aired in 1966 with the futuristic plot (it all happens in 1968!) of two guys trapped in a mostly-malfunctioning time machine that hurls them into a different historical event (and sometimes, into the future) where they either learn or teach An Important Lesson For Us All.

Sidetrack: Why does the time machine always plop them into the middle of something historically significant? For example, in the first episode, they found themselves aboard the Titanic. In another show, they wound up trying to stop Lincoln's assassination. I mean, if the time machine took them to 1492, it would be a sure bet that they would be tossed onto the deck of either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. No way would they spend an episode in Greece tending sheep.

Anyway, I was watching the episode where our intrepid time travelers were trying to keep a young bugler from riding to the Little Big Horn with General Custer. It was all very super-serious and who's really the savage here?

The young bugler, named Tim, had just made some kind of suggestion about something and the taller, older, scientist-from-the-future looked him directly in the eyes and seriously intoned, "I don't think so, Tim."

Well, I've seen far too many episodes of Home Improvement to hear that phrase and not picture Al Borland trying to keep Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor in line.

I laughed...really hard...all by myself.

And yes, I know, even if I had been in a room full of people watching the same thing, I still would have been the only person laughing.