Nothing to say, but...

Nothing to say, but it's been kinda long
Since I've posted anything beyond the titles of songs
That swirl through my head at morning's first light
(Not a horrible way to end up the night)

No headlines to mangle or twist out of shape
No stories to make you drop jaws and gape
No questions to ask or pictures to post
No self-important celeb to roast

I've really no thoughts I need to express
And with poems like this, more is sure less
So let's shut this thing down and head for the showers
Catch you all later, when I've pumped up my powers.

Almost the News IV

NATO, Russia Resume Ties

Sartorial splendor turned international today as leadership in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization and Russia agreed to go back to the practice of wearing neckties.

State Will Spray for Gypsy Moths

...because gypsy moths apparently can't operate the sprayers themselves.

5-Year-Old Drowns at Pool Birthday Party

Why the family was throwing a birthday party for their pool is unknown.

Iran Compiles Issues for Talks With West

In an effort to be more completely educated on the mainstream of Western thought, top officials in Iran are stockpiling back issues of Readers' Digest.

Charges Against Cop Are Upgraded

While version 1.0 of the charges were in grainy black and white, version 2.0 features full-color, high-definition, user-friendly controls...and a lower price.


Building Faith While Reducing Waistlines

There's a new program at a local church that combines weight loss with righteousness. It's called "Pray Your A** Off."

I Sing the Earworm Fantastic

This quarter-year roundup of earworms--those melodic marauders of my mind in the morning--is, once again, testimony to my eclectic taste in music...and my total dropping off the popular music map as of 1981.

MAY
1 -Time in New England (Barry Manilow)
2 -Last Song (Edward Bear)
9 -Going Out of My Head (Little Anthony & the Imperials)
10 -Take a Chance on Me (Abba)
13 -I am a Woman in Love (Barbra Streisand)
19 -Easy Like Sunday Morning (Commodores)
21 -New Heart (Rich Mullins)
22 -So Much for My Sad Song (Chris Rice)
27 -Let Your Love Flow (Bellamy Brothers)
29 -Philadelphia Freedom (Elton John)

JUNE
8 -Humble Yourself (2nd Chapter of Acts)
18 -Have You Seen Her? (The Chi-Lites)
22 -I Just Want to be Your Everything (Andy Gibbs)
24 -I’m Not Cool (Scott Krippayne)
25 -SOS (Abba)
26 -We Can Work It Out (Beatles)

JULY
1 -Drenched in Hope (Debbie Roth)
2 -Nights are Forever Without You (England Dan & John Ford Coley)
4 -As Long as I’m Singing (Brian Setzer Orchestra)
6 -Heart of Worship (Matt Redman)
7 -Where Do the Children Play? (Cat Stevens)
9 -Man in the Mirror (Michael Jackson)
14 -How Can I Tell You? (Cat Stevens)
16 -Solitary Man (Neil Diamond)
20 -Ring of Fire (Johnny Cash)

AT LEAST THERE'S AN EXPLANATION for July 7, 9, and 14. I was trying to stave off the effects of Michael Jackson Fever surrounding his demise by listening to Cat Stevens during my morning commute. It couldn't help but to spill into my waking-minutes musical cavalcade.

When I'm 52

Dedicated to Beloved
Apologies to Lennon & McCartney

Each day I get older
I've lost so much hair
Right here and right now
Still, I hope you think I'm worth a Valentine
Even though we know my head shines
I never stay out till quarter to three
Why? What would I do?
Do you still need me, can you still read me
Now that I'm fifty-two?

You are older, too
But let me say this word
I show it more than you

I've never been handy, mending a fuse
When our lights have gone
Power tools are dangerous when in my hand
Give me bongos and a folk band
Doing the garden, digging the weeds
I'm bad at those things, too
Do you still need me, can you still read me
Now that I'm fifty-two?

Every summer, we discover
We don't have the dough for a trip
If it goes too far
Money's always tight
Grandchildren, we have none
But someday we might

Leave me a voicemail, send me a text
Verizon makes it free
Tell me if you're glad to be my children's mom
Facebook, MySpace, yahoo-dot-com
Bring me your kisses the next time we're near
Yes, I still love you
Do you still need me, can you still read me
Now that I'm fifty-two?

Getting to the Bottom of the Matter...

...no wait...reverse that...Getting to the Matter of the Bottom...there, that's better.

It's true, faithful reader...at the age of 51 years, 11 months, and 20 days, I endured my everybody-oughta-do-this-at-50 colonoscopy.

The problem with this is that folks expect me to write this hilarious blog about it...because...like...it's funny...you know...they stuck something where the sun don't shine. Tee--and may I say--hee.

The reason that's a problem is because Dave Barry has already covered that base in a far grander scale than of which I could ever hope to even be a dim shadow. Seriously, check it out:  https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html

And the True Truth of the matter is, it really wasn't that big of a deal. Yes, the "GoLitely" bowel-flushing mixture was a little slimy, but nothing to gag about. The procedure itself was a little humbling, but nothing painful whatsoever.

The most fun was the short period of so-called recovery, when I was encouraged to get "all that air we pumped into you out." That section of the facility was quite musical, but I'm proud to say I could compete with the best of the virtuosos.

Not that any of you really wanted to know that.

If the Phone Rings, Don't Answer It

What with a not-completely-successful attempt to avoid becoming part of the Michael Jackson Media Maelstrom, and finding it difficult to find anything humorous about playing nursemaid to Beloved since her knee replacement surgery June 10th, I have officially come up Quite Short in the Time To Blog Something Department.

I was beginning to think my life had become so drudgingly dull and despondently dreary that I was going to have to change Almost the Truth from a humor blog to a health care forum.

And then along came KayJay...

The phone call was initially a bit scary: "I'm okay, but...." These are not words that a parent wants to hear coming out of the mouth of his/her youngest. Granted, it's better than a police officer or emergency room nurse telling you that your youngest is not okay, but....

"I'm okay, but I'm going to be late for supper...."

Oh...well...that's not so bad. But I did kind of wonder why she sounded like she was crying. It's not like I was going to ground my 20-year-old daughter for being late for a meal.

"...I'm going to be late for supper because I have to wait for a cop to show up...."

Okayyyy...that could be a good thing. She could have been a witness to a mugging or something and had to help identify the perp.

"...I have to wait for a cop to show up and take the accident report...."

Well...it could still be an innocent observer kind of thing.

"...take the accident report and give me a ticket for hitting this guy who perfectly could have made his left turn but he just sat there and, I don't know, I just looked away for a second and when I looked back he was still there and I swerved to miss him but didn't exactly miss all of him."

I guess I need to change Almost the Truth from a humor blog to an online car insurance workshop.

I'm just a guy who says that I am the one

Okay...I seriously mean absolutely no disrespect. I totally revere and admire the overwhelming talent with which God endowed Michael Jackson. His entertainment legacy is unmatched, unequaled, and unable to be duplicated on this or any other planet.

However...

When the star-studded memorial service was beginning, and the casket was being rolled in, and the choir was singing "Soon and very soon, we are going to see the king," was I the only one who got a little creeped out? Seriously...did anyone else kind of wonder if that casket lid was going to flip open and The King of Pop was going to have the Greatest Comeback of All Time?

*shudder*