Unknown and Under-Appreciated: The 383rd Greatest Song

 

Here we go again, Rolling Stone  -  another "Greatest Song" that was never released as a single, let alone showed up on a Billboard chart of any persuasion: "Whipping Post" by The Allman Brothers Band.

And you have the nerve to say  -  about a song I've never heard or heard of  -  "This enduring anthem was written on an ironing board in a darkened Florida bedroom by Allman. Leaping off with a rumbling Berry Oakley bass line, rife with tormented blues-ballad imagery and punctuated by Duane Allman's knifelike guitar incisions, the song is best appreciated in the twenty-three-minute incarnation on At Fillmore East."

Well, sorry, but I guess I'm stuck only appreciating the 5-minute version in the lyric video I found on YouTube.

I'll accept that as not being the best amount of appreciation, but hopefully it's not the worst.

Is it okay if I have a modicum of appreciation?

A tad?

What exactly is acceptable in terms of appreciating this thing?

What No One Tells You About Lazarus

 

In the Scriptural account of Lazarus, I am left with a burning question.

For the uninitiated, let me summarize:

Lazarus was the brother of Mary and Martha. The three of them were close friends of Jesus and apparently hosted him and his band of unschooled ruffians at the family homestead from time to time.

As the story goes (in John 11), Lazarus got sick. Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus, hoping he would rush to their side and heal their brother, as they had seen him heal so many others.

Unexpectedly, Jesus didn't jump up, put on his sandals, and hightail it to Bethany. Instead, he waited until Lazarus died, THEN headed out.

He arrived four days after the funeral. They had already wrapped Lazarus up and put him in a tomb. In fact, when Jesus walked to the gravesite and asked for the stone sealing the entrance to be rolled away, Martha warned him that it wasn't going to smell very good. (I love the King James Version at this point: "Lord, by this time, he stinketh.")

But they did as Jesus asked and Jesus brought Lazarus back to life!

It's a great story, and is pivotal in the narrative arc of Jesus being despised and eventually killed through the efforts of the religious leaders in Jerusalem.

But what never gets talked about...by John or any other Biblical writer...is the fact that Lazarus didn't stay resurrected forever. There is no reason to doubt that sometime after all these events, either because of old age, or persecution by the Romans, or getting sick, Lazarus died...again.

Which leads me to my burning question:

Is Lazarus the only person to be re-hearsed?

A Bank, a Pad, and the End of Logic

 

I am concerned about the future of humanity.

Well, to be truthful, I am concerned about the present of humanity and whether there will BE any future.

Let me explain...

I had to go to a local bank and renew my signatory status on a particular account.

I was ushered into a bank associate's office where I sat down, and a small, dark pad with some unknown significance was pushed to my side of the desk. It seems I would be using the attached, inkless pen to sign my name on the pad and my signature would be electromagically placed in a computer document.

The bank associate informed me that "this first signature is to give us permission to use your electronic signature instead of actually signing a piece of paper."

I immediately burst out laughing.

I thought it was hilarious that I was electronically signing something to authorize the electronic signing of things. How could that electronic signature be seen as authoritative without me having already signed such a document?

The bank associate smiled and said, "You're the only person who has ever seen how silly this is."

My concern for humanity's future isn't the irony of electric signatures to authorize electric signatures. My concern for humanity's future is that, out of the hundreds of people this bank associate has walked through the process, I am the only one to notice the irony.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus  -  and bring a pen.

Ticket to Ride in a Squad Car: The 384th Greatest Song

 

Taken at face value, "Ticket to Ride," by The Beatles, is a song about a girl leaving a guy by way of train.

Taken at dictionary value, it's a confusing mess.

For instance...

I think I'm gonna be sad. I think it's today, yeah
The girl that's driving me mad is going away

Question: If the girl's driving you crazy, why would her departure make you sad?

She's got a ticket to ride
But she don't care

She doesn't care that she has a train ticket? So is she going away or isn't she?

She said that living with me is bringing her down, yeah
For she would never be free when I was around

So ... in terms of being driven crazy, who is driving and who is riding?

Before she gets to saying goodbye
She ought to think twice
She ought to do right by me

Sounds a little threatening, like "If I can't have you, NObody can!"

Makes me think of a different Beatles lyric: "You better run for your life if you can, little girl!"

#AlmostThePrez

 

Beware! The names of the presidents of the United States of America have been almostified!

George "SheWoreA" Washington

John Adams Lager

Thomas Jeffersonny Bono

James "SnackCakes" Madison

James Monroeroe Yurboat

John Quincy Addams Family

Andrew Jackson (owes me twenty dollars)

Martin Van Halen

William Henry Ford Harrison Ford

John Tyler and Aerosmith

James K. Yolk, Chicken Farmer

Zachary "Braff" Taylor

Millard "DoubleStuph Oreo" Fillmore

Franklin Earpierce

James Bucchanal

Abraham Isaac N. Jaylincoln

Andrew "Magic" Johnson

Loulysses S. Grant

Rutherford B. Haze

James "LasagnaButt" Garfield

Chester A. Cheetah

BlueAndFurry Grover Cleveland

Benjammin' Harrison

William McKinsey Report

AlvinSimon Theodore Roosevelt

William Howard "BigAsA" Raft

Woody Wilson

Warren Peace Harding

Calvin Pooledge

Herbert Dyson

Franklin D. Rosebud

Harry S. Trudini

Dwight D. Lederhosen

John F. Ken Needy

Lyndon B. Johnson & Johnson

Richard Nikon

Gerald Ford Fairlane

Jimminy Cricket Carter

Ronald Raygun

George Havva W. Busch

Bill Clinique

George W. Bushwack

Barack O'Alabama

Donald Trunk

Joe BidenHisTime