Hoping for These Headlines in 2022

 

If only, Lord, if only...

Skyline Chili Opens Locations in Apple Valley, Saint Paul, and the Mall of America

Walter Cronkite Returns to Broadcast News with Integrity and Reliability

Hulu and Paramount+ End Ads for Subscribers Because They're Already Paying for the Service

All Variants of COVID-19 Now in Rearview Mirror

Congress Admits They Need Term Limits and Unanimously Passes the Legislation

Minnesota Blogger Tapped to Write for The Babylon Bee

If the Rolling Stones Made a Christmas Album

 

Mick Jagger and company are not well known for their sentimentality, but what if their greed got the better of them and they recorded an album of Christmaslicious versions of some of their biggest hits?

• Paint It Red and Green
• Honky Tonk Elf
• Hey, You! Get Off of My Sleigh
• (I Can't Get No) Complimentary Wrapping
• Jumpin' Jack Frost
• Brown Sugar Cane
• Rudolph Tuesday
• Let's Spend Black Friday Together
• It's Only a Manger (But I Like It)
• She's a Reindeer
• Santa's Little Helper

Musical Gas Pumps 4: Holiday Magic at FastStop

 

The tuneful authorization of pumping gas outside but paying inside doesn't stop just because children are sleeping with visions of sugarplums in their heads:

Jingle Bells

Hey, Pump 2, when you're through

Come inside to pay

Away in a Manger

Good morning, Pump 13, we ask you to pay

Inside of the store before driving away

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Hey, Pump 10, you're getting fuel

You chose FastStop, and that's so cool

Come inside to pay

Before driving away

Driving in a winter wonderland

O Come All Ye Faithful

O come ye, Pump 15

When your tank is filled up

O come ye, o come ye

Inside the store to pay

My Favorite Things
Hey Pump 11, you're getting some fuel
Come in to pay when you're done, that'd be cool
Thank you for stopping at FastStop today
Really, that's all that I needed to say

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

I see you at Pump 16

Out there getting some gasoline

We know that you'd never be mean

So come in to pay

Let It Snow

Oh the weather at Pump 7 is frightful

But you chose FastStop, that's delightful

I've got one more thing to say

Don't forget to come inside to pay

To see/hear Dewey singing these tunes, go to YouTube: https://youtu.be/GvZWCiWnHWg

Retooling Movies for Christmas

 

Three years ago, I helped shore up the supply of Christmas movies by suggesting the festivalization of several movies. Well, the time has come for me to come to the rescue once again. Look for these holly-jolly remakes to be coming to a theater near you in the near future.

• The Shawshank Gift Redemption
• The Godfather Gives Gifts You Can't Refuse
• Schindler's Shopping List
• Gone With the Wenceslas 
• Rudolph Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

• Christmas Tree Farm Gump
• The Silence of the Reindeer
• The Manger on the River Kwai
• Glad (Tidings) Iator
• Sleighing Private Ryan
• Mr. Smith Goes to Walgreens
• A Streetcar Named Blitzen
• Butch Kringle and the Sundance Elf
• The Good, the Bad, and the Battery-Operated

Vroom Vroom Doom

 

The teen-tragedy tune, "Leader of the Pack", performed by the Shangri-Las, comes in at number 447 on Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time and has all the angst and deep, deep drama one would expect. Check out Wikipedia's straightforward description of the song's plot:

The song is about a girl named Betty, who is asked by friends to confirm that she is dating Jimmy, the leader of a motorcycle gang, whose ring they see on Betty's finger. After singing of love at first sight ("(By the way, where'd you meet him?) I met him at the candy store/He turned around and smiled at me/You get the picture?/(Yes, we see) That's when I fell for the Leader of the Pack"), Betty's heart turns to despair as she bemoans her parents' disapproval. The parents claim Jimmy hails from "the wrong side of town" and ask Betty to tell Jimmy goodbye and find someone new. Betty reluctantly does as she is asked, and a crushed and tearful Jimmy speeds off on his motorcycle. Moments later, Betty's pleas for Jimmy to slow down are in vain as Jimmy crashes on a rain-slicked surface and dies.

There have been plenty of parodies produced:

• Leader of the Laundromat
• Leader of the Sect
• Packer of the Leads
• Leader of Iraq
• A Leader like Barack

I thought I'd kick around a few ideas of my own; maybe get Weird Al to record one:

• The sad tale of a plumbing accident  -  Leader with a Crack
• A hemophiliac gang member  -  Bleeder of the Pack
• The world's Jenga champion  -  Leader of the Stack
• An inept handyman  -  He Doesn't Have the Knack
• An apprentice computer criminal  -  I'm Learning How to Hack
• The desperate plea of a breast augmentation client  -  Gimme What I Lack

Financial independence, here I come.